SHE DOESN'T OWE ME ANYTHING

I'm writing for Five Minute Friday and today's prompt word is OWE.   

I have an elderly mother.    She's 87, almost 88.  She's in a nursing home because of a major stroke over five years ago, from which she was not expected to recover.  But she has fought her way back, as is her way, to walk again, speak again, eat again, and write again.   She does all of this with some struggle but well enough to be understood and to get about and to live a reasonable life.  

This is her, last year, with one of my older girls.   

Mum is a lot of things and one of those is tenacious.    She's known at the nursing home as 'feisty little Annie' and she is.   

She's been feisty for as long as I can remember.   But she's also been fearful, anxious, lacking in confidence, withdrawn, down on herself.      I think her feisty comes less from confidence and more from feeling and acting like a cornered, wounded animal.     She's always felt attacked and always been insecure so she attacks when she feels threatened, which is often.     

That's because she was attacked a lot - by her mother, verbally and physically, who rejected her from birth, then abused by a relative she won't name, and then ended up in an abusive relationship because she didn't 'deserve' any better.    

Because of this, as I was growing up, she was defensive and attacking and negative and rejecting.  Not all the time, but consistently, with all of us, in different ways - enough to cause a lot of damage.    Years ago, I wanted an apology or just acknowledgement or understanding of the damage done, or recognition of past or present expectations that were and are unfair.       I believed that she owed me that much.   

But, none of that has been forthcoming, and I dare say it never will be.    And I've come to accept that.  Because, as much as I'd like those, I don't need them.    

She doesn't owe me anything.    She gave me life and she was present during my childhood.   She was consistently there, for better or worse, in fairly difficult and lonely circumstances.  

Why doesn't she owe me an apology?   Because what Jesus died for, paid for was enough to cover the damage, the wounds, the pain, AND the lack of 'sorry'.   

Does that mean I just let her do and say and expect whatever.   Nope.  That's about trust and that's different.    We're asked to forgive - freely.   We're asked to love - in His power.   But we're not asked to blindly trust or put ourselves in harm's way.    I've been there, done that with Mum all my life, to my detriment.   That has stopped.  

But, I can also not demand an apology before I forgive the pain, the wounds, the damage, the loss.    I can't wait till I get that apology before I let go, because that's like holding hot coals in my hand and expecting it not to keep burning.   I'm the one getting hurt, and not the only one, because my pain is then passed on to those I care about, and so it goes on. 

Been there, done that, just like Mum.   

So what does Mum owe me?   Nothing.   Part of forgiving is letting go of all that she owes me.     It wasn't unreasonable for me to want or even expect certain things of her, because she was my mother, but I didn't get them, nor will I.     If I keep waiting to cash in on those 'reasonable' things, I won't receive what God has in store for me instead.    And He has had and still has plenty in store, even in supplying a Godly family, in various forms, to replace what should have been.   He knows how to supply, when the natural plan has been hijacked.   

If Mum and I could have a healthy relationship, that would be built on maturity and trust, but that can't be.    So I have to be content with what it is.    

What do I owe her?   Forgiveness, love, grace.  Because she's earned it?   Nope.  No more than I have earned it from the Lord or with my own daughters.   But I owe her that grace, because He's done that for me.  

.............put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering;  bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.  But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection.  Col 3:12-14

Putting on love means letting go of all that they owe us, and looking instead to Jehovah Jireh, our Provider, to El Shaddai, who is more than enough to fill in those gaps in our lives.  

It doesn't mean we line up for more of the same treatment.   Nope - sometimes it means loving from a healthy distance.   

He owes us nothing, but gives us everything.  

We owe Him our everything, even our woundedness, because He's already carried them.  

He paid a debt He didn't owe, so we could let go of all that they owe us.  

And when we let go of all that someone owes us, we shift our eyes from them to Him.   We realise that our life and our love comes from Him, not them.    We realise that everything we've been looking for can be found in Him, not them.    And we get healed and our capacity to receive and to hold His love greatly increases.

For of Him and through Him and to Him are all things, to whom be glory forever.   Amen.   Rom 11:36  

A father of the fatherless, a defender of widows,

Is God in His holy habitation.

God sets the solitary in families;

He brings out those who are bound into prosperity....   Ps 68:5-6  

For every tear, there is a promise

A love that never lets me go

For every doubt, Your Word speaks louder

And I will trust, I will trust in You alone

Hands to the sky

Heart opened wide

I stand in awe

I stand in awe of You

All my sin washed away

On that glorious day

I stand in awe

I stand in awe of You

Where there was fear, now there is freedom

When I was lost, You made a way

Now mercy triumphs over judgement

When You rose

When You rose up from that grave