MILESTONES OF HEALING

I've been wrestling with whether to write anything this week for Five Minute Friday, because I just haven't been able to keep up with reading and responding to other people's posts or their responses to mine.   And that frustrates me no end but it's been a rough few months.  Hopefully, as things continue to improve, so will my attention to these things.  

So, the guilt from that neglect on my part, and my frustration with myself nearly kept me from writing this week, but then I realised I actually need to, not just for my sake, but because God deserves the glory for what He's done over the last few weeks.   He's allowed me to reach a major milestone in my healing journey and I'm incredibly grateful and a bit baffled, to be honest.     I'll try and explain.   

I went to my 'home' town today to visit my elderly parents in the nursing home and to catch up with other family members.   

For the first time ever, I was able to drive into that town and through it and not feel anger, bitterness, angst, fear, guilt, shame.    That in itself is a major milestone for me.  

I was able to drive past significant places like schools, churches, the hospital, my childhood home, and not feel pain.  It wasn't that I was numb.  I've been numb in the past, but I wasn't today.   I just wasn't in pain.   

I went to my parents' home.  They weren't there.  My mother is in the local nursing home, and my father is also there now, supposedly on respite, but we'll see.   So their home is currently vacant and Mum asked me to get some of her precious books.   So I went there alone, found the spare key, and let myself in.

  

I walked through the house and went into my old bedroom, the scene of much abuse in my teenage years.  I walked through the loungeroom which was the scene of verbal and physical trauma for all of us, from both parents.   I walked through the kitchen and dining room and remembered all the angst and dysfunction.   I walked up the hallway and remembered many times wanting to just escape.   I remembered and felt it all, but this time, it didn't cripple me.     I haven't forgotten; I just wasn't in pain.  

Something has changed.   Over the last two years, God has healed a lot of wounds in me, bit by bit.  My blog over the last two years is the story of that healing journey.

But recently, something else shifted, big time.   And it's a major healing milestone.  I don't actually fully understand it, I just know this time, going to that town and that house, was different, very different.

The word 'milestone' reminds me of the journeys of Christian in Pilgrim's Progress and Much Afraid in Hinds Feet on High Places.   Both had arduous journeys and pitfalls and wrestles, with themselves as much as anyone, and both reached milestones along the way in their understanding, in their healing, and in their relationship with the Lord.  

Today, I realised I've done the same and He's done it in spite of my resistance and frustration because that's who He is and that's how He works.        He is a Healer and He came to preach the gospel to the poor; to heal the broken-hearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed.... from Luke 4:18 and Isa 61:1

How did this milestone of healing come about? 

A couple of weeks ago, I was going through yet another storm and being triggered, yet again, by an interaction with someone significant.   It was a major trigger and a major 'reaction' that had me looking and feeling crazy.   Apparently, it's a classic symptom of the complex PTSD that I mentioned in the last blog post.  

I went to church on the back of that major interaction, and reluctantly went up for prayer after the service, yet again.    That night, my good friend and pastor's wife, Carolyn, rang me and we talked and prayed for a bit.    Then she said something challenging, confronting, and confusing but with such urgency that I paid attention.     She said, "Kath, the Lord would say to you tonight, 'get off the front line!' "    

I was wondering what that had to do with what we'd been discussing, but it seems it had everything to do with it.    She went on to explain that I needed to withdraw from the battle, like a soldier that's been injured, and stay in the recovery tent for a while.     

No, no, no!!   I couldn't accept that.   

Since I was 12 years old, I've been on the front line of trying to protect people from their own decisions, from their own wilfulness, their own stupidity and rebellion.  I've been excusing behaviour that was/is damaging and irresponsible.  I've been absorbing damaging attitudes, words and behaviour into my own spirit and identity in many relationships over many years to keep the peace, stop them from getting stressed, to be accepted, to be loved, to be responsible.   

And all because I'd put myself 'on the front line' of those relationships, as the one chiefly responsible for all behaviour and all outcomes. I was carrying guilt because others' lives aren't straightforward or clean or great and it was all on me.    I had no idea.  I can look back and remember taking on responsibility for my Mum at age 12, but I had no idea it carried over into every other relationship.   

When Carolyn said it, I was offended and bothered and confused.   And I said I'd think about it.   In my spirit, I knew she was right; I just didn't understand why she was right.   I wrestled with it for 24 hours because it felt so irresponsible and wrong to get off the front line, to stop fighting for everyone, to withdraw from the battle.    Isn't that what God had called me to do, to fight?   

Nope, He hadn't.   Mum had put that on me and I'd put that on myself, carried it into every relationship.  And I've let other people put their relational responsibility onto me.   I'm the 'fixer' and I've been carrying so much guilt over not being able to 'fix' various people and relationships and situations in my family.  

Because I have believed that I have 'failed' in so many ways, it was actually crippling me from trying again in relationships, in business, in gifts, in improving my health, in pursing the desires of my heart, in just getting on with my life in so many different areas.   

That Tuesday morning, I finally surrendered my place 'on the front line' to the Lord, reluctantly, and something shifted, big time.  

All of a sudden, I got this revelation of the Father pulling me under His wings, being the Father I needed years ago, letting me just stop and relax and rest, while HE fights the battles, solves the problems, 'fixes' things, does the work.    It was such a revelation that this Father wants to do that and is capable of it.   My mother asked me to do it;  my father was absent or unavailable and often the perpetrator, not the protector.

After that revelation I got another one:   it's not actually my job to fight, and I'm free to get on with the things He HAS given me to do and to be.    It was like this huge weight  and heaviness was instantly lifted off my shoulders.   I saw it as an ill-fitting yoke being taken away.   All of a sudden, that sense of 'failure' and guilt that has crippled me for years, that I didn't even recognise as such, was just gone.    You don't realise how heavy something is or was until all of  a sudden it's not there any more.  

After all that, there was the realisation that I can start again to do and to try all that He's placed on my heart to do and to be and it's okay to even enjoy it.   No more guilt.  No more 'failure'.       

Trust in the Lord, and do good;

Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.

Delight yourself also in the Lord,

And He shall give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord,

Trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass.  Ps 37:3-5  

In some ways, I feel like I'm 12 all over again and can start afresh.  I can't stay 12 and I don't want to, but there are gifts and dreams and aspirations that I had at 12 and 15 and 19 and 24 and 33, etc, that I've put on hold because of this failure and guilt and false responsibility to fight for people, for relationships, for what's 'right' when all along, it was HIS responsibility.

Is that why today felt so different, going to that town and that house and spending time with my aging parents?   Probably.   

So, I'm grateful for the milestones along the way, but this one feels like one of the biggies.   There have been other milestones, some just as significant, but this one is a turning point.  

I shared, on the drive home, with a dear friend from church who rang, that it just was different this time, visiting my parents and their town.  She has prayed me through the last two years, and listened to much of my story, so she was very excited, and it was lovely to be able to share the victory with her.     

That's what makes the milestones extra special - those who share the heartaches, but also share the celebration at each milestone.    I'm incredibly grateful to my fellow sojourners on this healing journey, who mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice.   

Blessed is the man whose strength is in You,

Whose heart is set on pilgrimage.

As they pass through the Valley of Baca (weeping),

They make it a spring; the rain also covers it with pools.

They go from strength to strength;

Each one appears before God in Zion.   Ps 84:5-7

You brought me from darkness

And clothed me in garments of praise

Jesus, forever

My song will be You, yeah

I'm living in freedom

You've taken my burdens away

Jesus, forever

My song will be You

Only for You

For the cross that You bore and the debt that You paid

For the victory You won over death and the grave

This is the reason I sing

For the hope that You give and the joy that You bring

For the promise that Heaven is waiting for me

This is the reason I sing