ACCUMULATED DISAPPOINTMENT

I'm writing for Five Minute Friday, for last week's word prompt which is ACCUMULATE.

What happens when we accumulate disappointments and don’t process them properly?

They compound and become resentment.  

What happens when resentment festers and grows in the dark places?  

It turns into a root of bitterness that has the potential to harm many.

Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled…   Heb 12:14,15

How do we NOT accumulate disappointment?   Because disappointment is part of life this side of heaven.   It just is.    If we’re in relationship, we’re going to be disappointed, because someone isn’t meeting our expectations (spoken or unspoken) OR because someone is not willing or mostly just genuinely unable to do what they promised they would do, even if they want to.  

So, if we’re going to inevitably be disappointed in relationships, how do we process those disappointments, so they don’t grow into resentment and bitterness and cynicism?

Or do we just bury them?   I believe so many of us bury disappointments because processing them and being honest about them is not something we learnt to do, nor is it something we’ve been allowed to do.  Bringing up disappointments has led to rejection, aggression, blame, defensiveness, denial, dismissal in many previous, long-term, significant relationships that I’ve been in. 

I’ve discovered lately that I have accumulated some disappointments in current relationships (that was a confronting revelation).   And I’ve buried them because being honest about them or talking about them feels altogether too hard and would risk misunderstanding and potentially rejection. 

I’ve also learnt that the Lord is not disappointed with us when we’re disappointed.   He is actually okay with that.   He wants us to acknowledge when we are genuinely hurt – as opposed to offended because we feel entitled to certain things.   It’s important to know the difference. 

So many times, genuine hurt and disappointment is passed off as ‘offence’ when really it’s because Christians don’t want to own their part in people walking away, leaving, or keeping a safe distance.   

I’ve seen a lot of Christians branded as immature because they are ‘offended’ by something that was actually hurtful.    And I’ve seen immature Christians refusing to own their reaction as offense because they were triggered or confronted and won’t look within to see what’s going on, just wanting to point the finger in the opposite direction.  

I’ve been on both ends of that scenario and wrestled and wrestled with whether it’s offense or real pain.    Offense is easy to accumulate too, and it compounds – quickly.   I said to a friend recently, ‘You know how when you’re already ticked off with someone, every little thing they do makes you cranky?’-  yeah, been there done that way too many times.   It’s so easy to misread someone’s actions and words and misjudge their motives when our disappointment and offense have accumulated into a large pile of stinky crap.   We can find ourselves sitting smugly on that large, accumulated pile, throwing rocks of judgement at the person, behind a polite smile of course.     

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So, what do we do with that accumulated disappointment, when it’s actually coming from real pain?

The Lord told me recently to write it all down, to get really honest about it, journal it, name it, own it.   That was an interesting exercise.   Not a comfortable one.    That’s when you see what’s in your own heart and why it has festered into resentment.      

I discovered that most of those disappointments can and should simply be understood within the context of normal, human frailty because people have limits and we need to be careful what we expect.      

Some of it, however, needs to be addressed for the relationship to go beyond just survival and surface-level politeness.   That’s the hard part, because then you need to have some difficult conversations.   And that requires emotional strength, clarity, honesty, vulnerability and a certain amount of risk.

That’s hard when in previous relationships that kind of honesty was met with aggression in many forms, or denial and dismissal.   Been on both ends of that scenario as well.  

This is something I learned from the words of Danny Silk over the last week that I found extremely helpful.   

The most important thing in any conversation is connection. 

Not winning.

Not proving your point.

Not getting the last word.

If we lose connection, we lose the reason for talking.

So, even when it’s hard, my first goal is to protect the relationship while we work through the problem.

Instead of telling you what I think you did wrong, I’ll tell you what it feels like to be me.

My feelings can’t be argued with. 

You can listen and respond – or choose not to.

But either way, I’ve stayed true to my heart without putting you on trial.

 

Can we be that honest in our conversations?   I suspect most of us find that very difficult, but it’s so necessary for relationships to grow.

How much of our fellowship is kept at shallow levels because we aren’t willing to have the hard conversations and be transparent with each other – to live in the light?  

It brings me back to what we find in 1 John 1 about living in the light.  

This is the message which we have heard from Him and declare to you, that God is light and in Him is no darkness at all.    If we say that we have fellowship with Him, and walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth.  1 John 1:6,7

Therefore, putting away lying, “Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbour,” for we are members of one another.   “Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath,  nor give place to the devil.   Eph 4:25-27

So many times, I see Christians being politely dishonest with each other when really we need to be truthful, motivated by genuine love.   That dishonesty just leads to so much confusion and disconnection and buried anger, but it’s because we don’t know our own hearts, don’t know how to express what we need, don’t know how to have the hard conversations, don’t know how to set boundaries in our relationships.   When that anger leaks out in snipey remarks or erupts in full-blown meltdowns, the other person is blindsided.     We need to have the hard conversations.  

First things first though.  We must work through our own accumulated hurts, with the Lord, so we don’t dump on the other person.   We need to come to Him for mercy and grace, and let Him heal those wounds, and we need to ask for clarity about our own motives, our frustrations, our expectations.  

For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin.   Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.   Heb 4:15,16

When we take our accumulated crap to Him first, and get cleaned up, then we can move forward in relationships. 

Let’s not be dump trucks with each other.   But let’s not dismiss the other person’s pain just because it’s not nicely packaged up and it comes out messy and smelly.     

 

 

Heknows
He knows
Every hurt and every sting
He has walked the suffering
He knows
He knows
Let your burdens come undone
Lift your eyes up to the One
Who knows
He knows

We may faint and we may sink
Feel the pain and near the brink
But the dark begins to shrink
When you find the One who knows

LIVING WITH THE DISCOMFORT OF PERHAPS

I’m writing for Five Minute Friday and this week’s prompt word is PERHAPS.  

The word perhaps implies a questioning of the current perspective or position, or a leniency in our belief.

And perhaps we all need that more than we realise. 

Lately, I’ve heard some very strong opinions about what is happening, needs to happen, must happen, should be happening in various situations.  I’ve got my own strong opinions about things and have expressed them to close friends at times, often in frustration.    

My two teenage girls have very strong opinions about each other and what the other ‘should’ be doing or not doing that would make their life easier.    And like the two men looking at the number nine or number six, they are both right in what they see, but both wrong in their unwillingness to change positions and see the other side of the issue.  That takes maturity and security.  

You don’t have to be on social media for more than five minutes to realise that people have very strong opinions about current issues, and not always because they’ve thought through the issues or done the research.  In the wake of major tragedies like the Texas floods and the injustices in the Middle East conflict, there are many strong opinions, strongly stated, and not always respectfully or carefully stated, and not always with a thought to how it will be received by those personally impacted by those events.  

I’m inclined to agree with J F Kennedy who said, ‘We enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought.’

It’s uncomfortable to think through something and realise that perhaps we were wrong about something we have accepted and preached as true, maybe all our lives.  It’s much easier to not leave any room for ‘perhaps I’m wrong’, but when we don’t, trust and credibility and connection are undermined.  

Does that mean we should compromise on truth?   Not at all.  

But are we the guardians of truth?  Really?  

Or is He? 

He is the Truth.  He is the source of all truth.  

However, when He, the Spirit of truth, has come, He will guide you into all truth; for He will not speak on His own authority, but whatever He hears He will speak; and He will tell you things to come. John 16:13

Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life.  John 14:6

I often say to my girls, and others who ask, that there aren’t two sides to every story.  There are actually three.  There’s yours and mine - and His.  And His view IS the truth in its entirety.     He is in the unique position of being able to see both sides of the coin at.the.same.time.  We cannot do that because we have our limits. 

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord.
“For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts.”  Isa 55:8-9  

Because we have our limits, there needs to be a perhaps in our thinking.   We need to run back to Him when our view is challenged, and we need to ask Him His perspective on it.  We need to be lovers of truth.   If our view is really the truth, then it will withstand the scrutiny.   

We need to be like His disciples who basically said to Him, ‘I have no idea what you’re on about, but I’m going to stay and find out!’  

From that time many of His disciples went back and walked with Him no more.  Then Jesus said to the twelve, “Do you also want to go away?”   But Simon Peter answered Him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.  Also, we have come to believe and know that You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.”   John 6:66-69

And perhaps we also need to ask Him WHY we’re feeling so strongly about it.    Is it fear?  Is it insecurity?  Is it pain?    Is it unforgiveness?  Is it generational pride?   Is it arrogance and ignorance – they generally go together and feed each other.

Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.   James 3:13-17  

There needs to be a perhaps in our thinking until we know what HE says about it, and we’ve sat with the discomfort of the wrestle.    We need to recognize that we have our limits and only HE sees and knows the whole truth of any situation.   We need to give the grace that is given to us, like Jesus did.  He didn’t compromise truth – HE spoke it clearly.   But He was also full of grace and looked beyond the surface of things.  

And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth.   John 1:14

Can we do the same as Jesus?   Can we come at the situation with a ‘perhaps’? 

Perhaps that person isn’t attacking me so much as reflecting their own pain and insecurity.

Perhaps that person has been through immense pain that I know nothing about and can’t begin to understand.  

Perhaps that person is struggling under the weight of the load they carry that I don’t see or feel.

Perhaps there’s more to this issue than I am aware of, and I should be quick to listen so I understand, instead of being quick to react and quick to speak.  

Perhaps what I’ve heard or read or been told isn’t completely true and I should dig deeper.

Perhaps we are both right, but we have limits in our capacity to see the whole picture.  

Perhaps I should step onto their side of the coin, to see their perspective.

Perhaps this issue is not a hill to die on after all.

Can we live with the tension and discomfort of perhaps?   Can we give grace for that without compromising truth?   Can we recognize that HE is the guardian and protector of truth in its entirety, not us?  Can we be wise and understanding enough to live with perhaps in the lives of others?  Can we trust Him to guard and protect the truth while we live humbly with each other? 

He has shown you, O man, what is good;
And what does the Lord require of you
But to do justly,
To love mercy,
And to walk humbly with your God?   Micah 6:8

 

This song is a beautiful reminder of that verse.  

 

And it all comes down to this
What You require of me
Love my neighbour as myself
And You above all things

[Chorus]
Act justly, love mercy, walk humbly
With You, God
In all things, in all ways, walk humbly
With You, God

ARE YOU GOING IN CIRCLES?

 

I'm writing for Five Minute Friday and this week's prompt word is CIRCLE.

Yesterday, I got drawn into a heated argument with my ex-husband.   The conversation kept going in circles.   I realised that the conversation was going to keep going around in circles, circles we’ve been caught in before, multiple times, with no end in sight, so I ended it.

What do we do when something is going in circles?   Because we’re not meant to keep going around in circles.   We’re meant to be moving forward.   Always moving forward.   We’re meant to face issues, address issues, change what needs changing and move forward.     

Our journey with the Lord and with each other should always be showing some kind of growth, even if it’s incremental.  

We’re supposed to be growing – in wisdom, in understanding, in depth, in maturity and therefore in fruit.  

…….. but grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.    To Him be the glory both now and forever. Amen.   2 Peter 3:18 

Forward movement requires growth. 

But growth requires change.   Change often comes through challenge.  Challenge comes through speaking and acknowledging truth, and sometimes just running into the reality of choices and consequences.  

Relationships are not supposed to go in circles.   Yes, some things are every day and mundane and regular and consistent.   But we should be growing and changing and developing, and being challenged to grow.  Moving from glory to glory, being transformed, going deeper with Him will always produce growth.    

…………..that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man,  that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height -  to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.   Ephesians 3:16 – 19

But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord.  2 Cor 3:18

Then Jesus said to those Jews who believed Him, “If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed.     And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”   John 8:31-32

 By this My Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit; so you will be My disciples.  John 15:8

Growth requires challenge.  Those challenges often come through relationships – iron sharpens iron.  

As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.  Prov 27:17 

We can’t just opt out of relationships because we’re being sharpened.  That is not the answer, though it is definitely the easier route, in the short term.   We need to stay and sort it out, and let the Lord do His work in our hearts and minds.  

"Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.    1 Peter 4:8

From what I’ve seen in relationships that are caught in negative cycles (going around in circles), whether it’s parent/child, friendships, leader/follower, sheep/shepherd, husband/wife, is that there’s usually one person who wants it to stay the way it is and one person who’s unsettled, dissatisfied, chafing, resentful  – often because they’re growing and changing and learning, and the other person isn’t, and often doesn’t want to.  

So, if the relationship is caught in dysfunctional cycles (going around in circles), what do we do?

We need to discern if the relationship is merely difficult and can be mended, with requires work on both sides, or if it’s actually destructive.  This is a great video from two of my favourite authors/speakers (Lysa Terkeurst and Leslie Vernick), on this very sensitive and confusing subject.   

When we realise that it is destructive, we have to break the circle, break the cycle, which is incredibly confronting and painful.  Sometimes, the relationship can still be salvaged if both people are willing to recognise the unhealthy circles and do what needs doing.    And sometimes, it can’t.   I’ve written about that breaking here.   

But something I haven’t written about is a profound experience I had with the Lord in April last year, which really confirmed for me that our ‘marriage’ was in fact destructive and that getting out was the right thing to do.   I’ve had to remember it a few times when I’ve been second-guessing my decision, feeling guilty about our current reality, about his current reality, about the messiness and loneliness of it all.    One day I will write about that.  

But what I learnt from that encounter, and have had confirmed since in many ways, about health and wholeness (physical, mental, emotional and spiritual) is that when we’re stuck in a loop of circles within a destructive relationship, we simply cannot get well in any of those areas.   We keep getting wounded and infected, and healing simply isn’t possible. 

We have to stop going in circles to get well, to be truly whole, to experience the shalom that He desires for us.   We simply have to stop and get out of the circle.   The problems have to be spoken out and boundaries put in place.    Boundaries break unhealthy cycles.  Lysa Terkeurst writes about it powerfully in her book, Good Boundaries and Goodbyes.  

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And in all of it, we lean in, hard, while He shows us the pathway forward out of those downward circles and spirals.  We ask for truth and we run to Him with the reality of those truths about us, about the relationship, about the work that needs to be done.    Then, we do the hard work, we face the pain, we feel it, we forgive it, we forge forward, with Him, and we know Him in a way that is only possible in the valley. 

Blessed is the man whose strength is in You,
Whose heart is set on pilgrimage.
As they pass through the Valley of Baca,
They make it a spring;
The rain also covers it with pools.
They go from strength to strength;
Each one appears before God in Zion.   Ps 84:5-7

 

Truth is
Thought I was stuck in the cycle of pain
Over and over reliving the misery
And truth is
Thought that if I could find someone to blame
I could avoid all the secrets that hide in me

But I heard your voice
Above all the noise
Above all the fear
And thousands of lies
Were slowly untied
'Cause you made it clear

That love rescued me
Love set me free
I know what the truth is
Yeah, I know what the truth is
This soul's been claimed
By blood, by grace
I know what the truth is
I know what the truth is

CAN'T OR SHOULDN'T

I'm writing for Five Minute Friday, and this week's prompt word is ANYMORE. 

I can't do THIS anymore!!

If you find yourself saying these words, it's time to re-evaluate. Even if it's just said to yourself, or screamed into your pillow, or thrown out to a listening friend, or muttered as you walk out the door to vent and regroup.  

It's time to re-evaluate your THIS - your relationship, your load, your role, your expectations or someone else's - whatever THIS is that you can't do anymore.

Maybe you're like me and you keep pushing yourself until you break, because you've had to, or trained yourself to, or you're too scared not to. 

But the Lord doesn't keep pushing us to live at the edge of breaking, to continually function at the edge of anymore. 

Oh, He will allow us to break if we have resisted His every invitation to be still and know, to stop striving, to stop overreaching, to simply live within His holy expectations.

It's not His desire to destroy us, but He will crush those things in us that are not of Him, like stubbornness, drivenness, idolatry, performance, people-pleasing, etc.    If we'll stay in the program of surrender and transformation, He will come after those things that are destroying us.  

The alternative to that surrender is to tweak our anymore, adjust the load one more time (after we've had our rant-and-rave break), and then lock ourselves back into the yoke of our own making, or someone else's.  

But if we lock ourselves back into that anymore yoke, without re-evaluating with Him, without finding out why it's rubbing us raw, we really will get to ‘I can't do this anymore!’.

The choice will be taken from us.   

Something will break - our health, our mental health, our relationships, our finances, the quality of our fruit, our position.  

Nothing under that much strain is sustainable indefinitely.   

When we get to that place of ‘I can't do this anymore!!’, and I have a few times, and find myself there again on a particular issue, we have to get some answers from Him.  

He requires excellence, but not exhaustion.

He requires fruit, not productivity.

He requires honesty, not pretending.

My previous post was about persevering and there absolutely is a place for perseverance.

We have to be willing to do that if we know our THIS is from Him and His grace is on it.

But sometimes, we have to recognise that not only is it ‘I can't do this anymore!!’, it's ‘I shouldn't do this anymore!’, because our THIS is not from Him.

Or perhaps something needs to change in our THIS - how and when and how much, and perhaps even why we’re doing it.

People will expect us to keep doing, and we will expect that of ourselves, because of fear, guilt, shame, familiarity, soul ties, etc.  

But when He says enough, we just need to stop. 

We have to stop trying harder, stop adjusting the yoke, and sit. When that time comes, we need to sit and let things fall where they will and rest at His feet.   We need to be prepared, like Mary, to ignore the pressure from others, and the pressure within, and find out what He requires.    

But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her.”   Luke 10:42

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to Me. Get away with Me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with Me and work with Me - watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with Me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”   Matthew 11:28-30

 

I say, "I'm fine, yeah, I'm fine, oh, I'm fine, hey, I'm finе"
But I'm not, I'm broken
And when it's out of control, I say it's under control
But it's not and You know it
I don't know why it's so hard to admit it
Whеn being honest is the only way to fix it
There's no failure, no fall, there's no sin You don't already know
So let the truth be told

WHAT IS NEEDED TO PERSEVERE

I’m writing for Five Minute Friday and this week’s prompt word is PERSEVERE.

That is certainly an apt word for this season of my life.   I have had to persevere through a healing journey, a legal battle, and health issues over the last few years, and I have felt like giving up many times. 

But giving up is not really an option, especially when you have others depending on you.

So, it seems, instead of giving up, we need to find the best way to persevere and get to the other side.  

These are a few things I’ve learned along the way, and they are still necessary reminders to myself.  I hope these reminders help someone else who is in a season of persevering.

 

To persevere requires a Helper – a Helper that is always present, strong, able and willing to uphold you with His righteous right hand, provide for your needs and guide you to the next step.   Isaiah 41:10

To persevere requires support – support of fellow sojourners, who can pray for you, encourage you, meet practical needs, but also just be heading in the same general direction.  Ps 84:6,7

To persevere requires faith – faith to believe in what you can’t yet see, that what feels impossible today will one day become reality.  Hebrews 11:1

To persevere requires hope – hope that fuels your faith, hope for a better future, a way forward.  Romans 15:13

To persevere requires courage – courage to push through pain, challenges, disappointment, hopelessness.  Isaiah 54:4

To persevere requires strength – strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other, to keep showing up, to keep building, to keep using muscles that ache.  Isaiah 40:29-31

To persevere requires diligence – diligence to keep doing what is minor, tedious, mundane, repetitive when you can’t see the difference it’s making.   Galatians 6:9

To persevere requires excellence – excellence to do everything unto Him, from Him, with Him, with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.  Colossians 3:23,24

To persevere requires rest – rest from striving, overdoing, overthinking, imagining worst case scenarios, and everything that hinders the way forward.   Isaiah 30:15

To persevere requires understanding – understanding how you got here and how to move forward, learning new things about yourself, your body, your relationships, your finances and more.  Proverbs 4:7

To persevere requires wisdom – wisdom to know what to do, what to stop doing, what to choose, what to let go of.   Proverbs 3:5,6

Lastly, to persevere requires surrender – surrender of all that you are so that you can be transformed from caterpillar to butterfly, to live a life that glorifies Him.     Romans 12:1,2

Whatever it is you may be going through
I know he's not gonna let it get the best of you

You're an overcomer
Stay in the fight 'til the final round
You're not going under
'Cause God is holding you right now
You might be down for a moment
Feeling like it's hopeless
That's when he reminds you
That you're an overcomer
You're an overcomer