LEGACY - A LASTING IMPACT

I’ve been wondering for days what to write about LEGACY, which was last week’s prompt word for Five Minute Friday.  I nearly didn’t.    Legacy is not something we talk about so much, but it’s important.   As Christians, we should aim to be people that leave a good legacy in the lives of others.   And it’s not a five-minute job (my blog posts rarely are).  

I started writing this before I heard about the death of Charlie Kirk.    He may not have lived as long as others, but he certainly left a strong legacy for his family, and young people of America, and many, many others, including people in other countries like mine.  

We all do leave a legacy, whether intentionally, or by default.  

This was AI’s take on the definition of legacy: 

A legacy is the lasting impact a person leaves on the world after they die, which can be tangible (like money or property) or intangible (like memories, values, wisdom, and influence). It encompasses everything a person's life has taught them, how they've made others feel, and the contributions they've made to causes or people that matter most to them.  

It was a helpful definition, but I think it’s possible to leave a legacy in someone’s life without actually dying.    I’ve been alive long enough to know that there are seasons where you live and work closely with people and then that season is over, but they left you a strong legacy.   They may have moved on, but you are forever changed because of their impact on your life. 

And you can look back and see what you learned from them, how you were shaped by them, for better or worse.   You can’t always see it at the time.   It’s good to look back and remember those who have had input into your life and to be grateful for the good, and for the hard. 

Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be still wiser; teach a righteous man, and he will increase in learning.  Prov 9:9

Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.  Prov 27:17

Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, dignity, and sound speech that cannot be condemned…………….   Titus 2:7

The Lord places people in our lives in different seasons for different reasons.  

Some are there to teach us, to mentor us, to model certain things for us.

Some are there to be a support network for us when we need it most.  

Some are there to challenge us, to simply be the iron that sharpens iron. 

Some are there to lead us down a certain path for a certain amount of time and then it’s time to go in different directions.     

Each of them leaves a legacy in your life that you can build on, or not. 

I believe some people are put in our lives to help us heal.  That is the legacy that the Lord has ordained and purposed for us to receive through them.        

That’s certainly the case for those currently in my life.  

I’ve spent several years now healing from the effects of abuse in various forms, in key relationships.   It’s been a long, arduous process that was much harder and deeper and more painful than I could have imagined, but very necessary, and I am in a much healthier place in every way.  

A few years back, the Lord showed me a very powerful picture that represented me.   It was a large, concrete building that had several storeys and lots of windows.   The first time He showed me, it was grey and the foundations were pretty shaky.   And the underground car park was a dark place, full of ‘dysfunction’. 

The next time He showed it to me, there was colour.   Each window was a different colour, and the building was near a shoreline and a town centre.   The building was much stronger and more accessible and had paths around it.  The foundations were being made strong, and the underground car park was flooded with light and life.   

That transition describes the healing journey I’ve been on.   I’m not completely healed.  Last year, I thought I was done, but I have spent most of this year becoming aware of and processing ‘triggers’ from previous relationships, as they get triggered by current ones.   That’s been rather painful and deep, and much of it done in the secret place, with Him.

Like my artwork, my healing is a work in progress.   I will be developing this artwork and seeing what the Lord wants to show me through it.   I think sometimes art that is a work in progress speaks more profoundly than something that is polished and finished.

We are always going to be a work in progress until we meet Him, so I need to stop wanting it to be done and be content to let Him do what He wants, how He wants it done.       

……being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.   Phil 1:6   

……… work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.  Phil 2:12-13

Today, I simply want to honour the legacy of my current pastors, Chris and Carolyn, who haven’t moved on and I hope they don’t any time soon.  This blog post has been burning in my spirit for the last few days, and I believe we need to say these kinds of things of people, and to people, when we have opportunity, not after they’ve moved on from this season of our lives.  

For healing to happen, I needed to have people around me who could see what the Lord wanted to do in me and for me, and to then be the people that I could learn to trust with my pain and my story.  And there have been quite a few people, some with significant input, and others with a smaller part to play.   I don’t want to try and name them all, because I’ll miss someone for sure.  

Because of Chris and Carolyn’s willingness to be available, to be people that I could learn to trust (that’s been a difficult journey in itself), to love me as is, to listen, to hold space for my tears, to be faithful prayer warriors, to be my spiritual covering, to be wise counsellors when tough decisions have to be made, and to be faithful leaders and teachers of our church family, I have healed.   They have made our church family a safe place for me to be and to stay and to grow, in connection with other believers who have become very dear to me.    I came into this church very broken and very wary, ready to run and hide, and I have wanted to several times.  Without their covering and their faithfulness, I would have run for sure. 

The Lord has been about building strength into that ‘building’, reworking the foundations, fixing what was broken, solidifying what was right.    When the Lord showed me the colour version of the building, I saw an animation, if you like, of Chris and Carolyn planting pink flowers around the sides of the building.  Pink often signifies healing.   I had no idea at the time that they would be my pastors (Carolyn was my unofficial counsellor at the time).  I didn’t realise what part they would go on to play in my healing journey over the next few years.   I thought that the planting of pink flowers would be a quick process but it hasn’t been.   It’s taken hours and days and weeks and years of good pastoring. 

Their legacy in my life, in our lives, is huge.   They have impacted my youngest two daughters as well, in different ways.   And it will indirectly impact my other daughters and their families as time goes on, because hurting people hurt people, but healed people help others heal.  

I know they’re tired and they probably wonder if they’re doing any good, but I can see growth in many of the people in our church.  Like growth in children, it’s often incremental, hard to see and hard to measure, but it’s there.   People who have been hurt elsewhere are healing.   People who have needed to hear some hard truths are hearing them, presented with truth and grace.   People who have just needed to be seen are being seen.  People who need to grow in their gifts are being encouraged.  People who are looking for a safe place to find family are finding it because of their leadership.

Is it perfect?  No, it isn’t, because there is no perfect church this side of heaven.    The more we look for perfect, the more frustrated we will become.   Perfect is found in God alone, and when we start there, making Him our portion, our first port of call, our ‘enough’, we can appreciate what others are able to do for us.   

And now, I can actually be someone that can help others, because of their modelling, because of their support, because they have poured into me.   Recently, Chris saw a picture of a well, and that I was drawing water out of this well for women - life-giving water, each scoop a different colour according to the need of the woman in front of me, because of what God has done in me and taught me, because of my lived experience.   That takes me back to the building with different-coloured windows.  I knew at the time that each colour signified a different need in people and that the light of Jesus was going to shine through and be what that person needed at the time.   I can’t meet all needs, but I sure would like to help those God puts in front of me, and I can do that now, in large part because of the legacy they have given me.

One of the key verses He gave me through this whole process was this one.

But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.   1 Pet 5:10

The Lord has done exactly that, because of the support provided by Chris and Carolyn.    While the Lord is building strength into us, and establishing us, and settling us, we need others to be our support networks, like the scaffolding around a building.   That is their legacy, not just in my life, but in the lives of others I do life with, and I’m incredibly grateful. 

And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.   Heb 10:24-25

Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.  Matt 5:16

 

I was looking for a song based on 1 Peter 5:10 and I found this gem.  

 

I’ve walked through fire

Felt the weight of the night

But You never let go,

You held me through the fight

Every tear, every trial

Was shaping something new

Your grace was the anchor

That carried me through

After the storm, You restore

Make me strong forevermore

You call me to glory,

You lift me again

By the power of Christ

I stand in the end

Firm and unshaken, faithful and true –

You are the God who sees me through

 

 

 

 

 

BEHIND CLOSED DOORS

I'm writing in response to the Five Minute Friday prompt word, BEHIND.  

I’ve discovered that Christians are very good at hiding their pain behind closed doors, behind Sunday-morning masks, behind serving, behind ‘acceptable’ addictions, behind theology and church protocols, behind denominations, behind education, behind gender-based roles, even behind their ‘faith’. 

We’ve been taught to bury our emotions and our problems because faith and facts have to come first.   So, we hide our emotions, even from ourselves, and just muscle through, while our minds and our bodies suffer.  And eventually we crash, whether it’s physically with some form of chronic disease or sudden health crisis, or mentally and emotionally in some kind of burnout or breakdown.  And as a church we are quite used to being chronically unwell and we medicate it in one way or another.    We even allow for the odd breakdown in people who otherwise seem to be doing okay. 

I heard recently about a dear woman, sister to one of my elderly friends, who has been in a mentally and emotionally abusive marriage for decades, being admitted yet again to the local psych ward.  They were asking for prayer for her.   They commented on how noble it was of her to ‘suffer for the Lord’, amidst a fresh diagnosis of schizophrenia.   From what I know, this is a woman who has not been allowed to be honest about her emotions because she has had to ‘suffer well’.   Behind closed doors she is living a nightmare, under the title ‘Christian marriage’.   But he doesn’t hit her, so that means he’s not abusive, right?   Wrong!  Her wounds are invisible, but not to Him who sees behind everything.     

I wonder what she knows of Him who is with her behind those closed doors, behind the façade, behind the picture-perfect Christian marriage, behind all her coping mechanisms that sometimes just don’t work, and she ends up in care, yet again.   I wonder if her view of Him, her beliefs about Him, and herself, are skewed by the ‘Christian’ man who reflects value back to her, by the church’s teaching, by her family’s expectations, by her own expectations of herself to give more, be more, try harder, cope better, etc.   

I know my view of Him was skewed by all of that, spoken and unspoken.   I even taught people that stuff myself, all the while resenting Him for asking so much of me, and so little of him, and for ignoring me for the sake of the ‘marriage’.     

What I have learned about God’s design for marriage, about covenant, about grace, about how God has designed His daughters, and how He sees His daughters, behind all the facades, behind the closed doors, behind all the expectations, has blown my mind and healed my heart.  

I could say a lot more about all of that, but I think it’s best expressed in poetry, which I’ve written in a separate blog post. 

If it sounds bitter, it isn’t meant to.   I’m learning more and more the value of lamenting our way through the pain, instead of burying it behind our usual Christian positive faith messages.  The psalmists lamented well.   They didn’t deny, they processed and released and healed and got His perspective and moved forward, bit by bit.   We need to allow ourselves and others to do the same.  

“Where is your God?”

When I remember these things,
I pour out my soul within me   …………………………

Why are you cast down, O my soul?
And why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him
For the help of His countenance.   Psalm 42: 3-5

You are not hidden
There's never been a moment you were forgotten
You are not hopeless
Though you have been broken, your innocence stolen

I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS

I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It's true, I will rescue you

There is no distance
That cannot be covered over and over
You're not defenceless
I'll be your shelter, I'll be your armour

 

HE SAW BEHIND MY CLOSED DOORS

This poem is the story of my 'Christian' marriage of 30+ years and my exit from that marriage.    

This is MY story, my experience.   Not everyone is called out, not everyone should get out.   

Everyone's situation is different.     Sometimes He gives you the grace to stay; sometimes He gives you the faith to go.  Sometimes He gives you the grace to stay for a time, and THEN He calls you out.   

We have to listen to Him as to what to do in our specific situation.   He will show us if we will listen and surrender what we think and what we want to His higher purposes.   

It took two years for the Lord to convince me that it was not only okay to get out, but it was actually the right thing to do.   It has taken another two years for Him to show me why it was necessary.   

Many times I have wished it wasn't my story, but it is and I know it will be for others, so I hope this helps somebody who is asking the hard questions.   

It was written as the natural ending of another blog post, BEHIND CLOSED DOORS, for the Five Minute Friday writing prompt word - BEHIND.   

Who is this Father?

Who sees behind my closed doors,

Who knows exactly how things are

beyond how they seem,

how they look,

what they should be,

what I’ve tried so hard

to fix and sustain and endure,

Who sees that it must change

 

Who is this Father?

Who sees the wounds behind the masks,

behind the performance

behind the ‘I’m fine’,

Who sees behind the dysfunction

to the pain

that drives the busyness,

Who sees the fear

that makes me afraid

to leave

 

Who is this Father?

Who sees behind the numb smile,

the sad eyes,

the unhealthy body,

the extra weight,

the chronic tiredness,

Who sees the disappointment

and the resentment

that have led to despair

and depression

and thoughts of suicide

 

 

Who is this Father?

Who sees behind

the comfortable setting,

the nice house,

the steady income,

the endless possessions,

the mindless entertainment,

Who sees the shallow relationship,

the broken trust

the lonely days

 

Who is this Father?

Who sees the broken promises,

the wounds from harsh words,

the impact of cold silence,

the cost of perfectionism,

the loneliness of busyness

the sacrifices made to idols,

Who sees the broken dreams,

the walls around hearts

and shattered expectations

 

 

Who is this Father?

Who calls me out

to do more than survive - 

to live,

to thrive

to grow

into all He called me to be,

Who says ‘enough - 

get out of the boat,

out of the familiar,

and walk on the waves

because I AM is here’

 

 

Who is this Father?

Who is restoring my soul

into all He designed

and purposed it to be,

beyond man’s shaping,

beyond his ideals,

and expectations,

and well beyond mine,

Who has lifted my head

from the failure,

the shame,

the guilt,

and the hopelessness

that became the rut

I was stuck in

 

Who is this Father indeed?

In losing so much,

all that was hidden behind

the doors of my Christian marriage,

I found Him,

And He is enough.

 

O Lord, You are the portion of my inheritance and my cup;
You maintain my lot.
The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places;
Yes, I have a good inheritance.

I will bless the Lord who has given me counsel;
My heart also instructs me in the night seasons.
I have set the Lord always before me;
Because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved.

Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices;
My flesh also will rest in hope.   Psalm 16:5-9

Oh God you are,
All that You say You are
You never change, You never failed, You'll never fail
Oh God You are
Faithful in all Your ways
Forever You stand, forever You reign, forever remain
We shall not be shaken

We shall, We shall not be shaken
We shall, We shall not be shaken
When all around is sinking sand

For You are, You are never changing
You are, You are never changing
You stand, the Great I AM

The Great I AM

ACCUMULATED DISAPPOINTMENT

I'm writing for Five Minute Friday, for last week's word prompt which is ACCUMULATE.

What happens when we accumulate disappointments and don’t process them properly?

They compound and become resentment.  

What happens when resentment festers and grows in the dark places?  

It turns into a root of bitterness that has the potential to harm many.

Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled…   Heb 12:14,15

How do we NOT accumulate disappointment?   Because disappointment is part of life this side of heaven.   It just is.    If we’re in relationship, we’re going to be disappointed, because someone isn’t meeting our expectations (spoken or unspoken) OR because someone is not willing or mostly just genuinely unable to do what they promised they would do, even if they want to.  

So, if we’re going to inevitably be disappointed in relationships, how do we process those disappointments, so they don’t grow into resentment and bitterness and cynicism?

Or do we just bury them?   I believe so many of us bury disappointments because processing them and being honest about them is not something we learnt to do, nor is it something we’ve been allowed to do.  Bringing up disappointments has led to rejection, aggression, blame, defensiveness, denial, dismissal in many previous, long-term, significant relationships that I’ve been in. 

I’ve discovered lately that I have accumulated some disappointments in current relationships (that was a confronting revelation).   And I’ve buried them because being honest about them or talking about them feels altogether too hard and would risk misunderstanding and potentially rejection. 

I’ve also learnt that the Lord is not disappointed with us when we’re disappointed.   He is actually okay with that.   He wants us to acknowledge when we are genuinely hurt – as opposed to offended because we feel entitled to certain things.   It’s important to know the difference. 

So many times, genuine hurt and disappointment is passed off as ‘offence’ when really it’s because Christians don’t want to own their part in people walking away, leaving, or keeping a safe distance.   

I’ve seen a lot of Christians branded as immature because they are ‘offended’ by something that was actually hurtful.    And I’ve seen immature Christians refusing to own their reaction as offense because they were triggered or confronted and won’t look within to see what’s going on, just wanting to point the finger in the opposite direction.  

I’ve been on both ends of that scenario and wrestled and wrestled with whether it’s offense or real pain.    Offense is easy to accumulate too, and it compounds – quickly.   I said to a friend recently, ‘You know how when you’re already ticked off with someone, every little thing they do makes you cranky?’-  yeah, been there done that way too many times.   It’s so easy to misread someone’s actions and words and misjudge their motives when our disappointment and offense have accumulated into a large pile of stinky crap.   We can find ourselves sitting smugly on that large, accumulated pile, throwing rocks of judgement at the person, behind a polite smile of course.     

https://www.vecteezy.com/photo/55966495-a-man-sitting-on-top-of-a-pile-of-rubble

So, what do we do with that accumulated disappointment, when it’s actually coming from real pain?

The Lord told me recently to write it all down, to get really honest about it, journal it, name it, own it.   That was an interesting exercise.   Not a comfortable one.    That’s when you see what’s in your own heart and why it has festered into resentment.      

I discovered that most of those disappointments can and should simply be understood within the context of normal, human frailty because people have limits and we need to be careful what we expect.      

Some of it, however, needs to be addressed for the relationship to go beyond just survival and surface-level politeness.   That’s the hard part, because then you need to have some difficult conversations.   And that requires emotional strength, clarity, honesty, vulnerability and a certain amount of risk.

That’s hard when in previous relationships that kind of honesty was met with aggression in many forms, or denial and dismissal.   Been on both ends of that scenario as well.  

This is something I learned from the words of Danny Silk over the last week that I found extremely helpful.   

The most important thing in any conversation is connection. 

Not winning.

Not proving your point.

Not getting the last word.

If we lose connection, we lose the reason for talking.

So, even when it’s hard, my first goal is to protect the relationship while we work through the problem.

Instead of telling you what I think you did wrong, I’ll tell you what it feels like to be me.

My feelings can’t be argued with. 

You can listen and respond – or choose not to.

But either way, I’ve stayed true to my heart without putting you on trial.

 

Can we be that honest in our conversations?   I suspect most of us find that very difficult, but it’s so necessary for relationships to grow.

How much of our fellowship is kept at shallow levels because we aren’t willing to have the hard conversations and be transparent with each other – to live in the light?  

It brings me back to what we find in 1 John 1 about living in the light.  

This is the message which we have heard from Him and declare to you, that God is light and in Him is no darkness at all.    If we say that we have fellowship with Him, and walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth.  1 John 1:6,7

Therefore, putting away lying, “Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbour,” for we are members of one another.   “Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath,  nor give place to the devil.   Eph 4:25-27

So many times, I see Christians being politely dishonest with each other when really we need to be truthful, motivated by genuine love.   That dishonesty just leads to so much confusion and disconnection and buried anger, but it’s because we don’t know our own hearts, don’t know how to express what we need, don’t know how to have the hard conversations, don’t know how to set boundaries in our relationships.   When that anger leaks out in snipey remarks or erupts in full-blown meltdowns, the other person is blindsided.     We need to have the hard conversations.  

First things first though.  We must work through our own accumulated hurts, with the Lord, so we don’t dump on the other person.   We need to come to Him for mercy and grace, and let Him heal those wounds, and we need to ask for clarity about our own motives, our frustrations, our expectations.  

For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin.   Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.   Heb 4:15,16

When we take our accumulated crap to Him first, and get cleaned up, then we can move forward in relationships. 

Let’s not be dump trucks with each other.   But let’s not dismiss the other person’s pain just because it’s not nicely packaged up and it comes out messy and smelly.     

 

 

Heknows
He knows
Every hurt and every sting
He has walked the suffering
He knows
He knows
Let your burdens come undone
Lift your eyes up to the One
Who knows
He knows

We may faint and we may sink
Feel the pain and near the brink
But the dark begins to shrink
When you find the One who knows