LIVING WITH THE DISCOMFORT OF PERHAPS

I’m writing for Five Minute Friday and this week’s prompt word is PERHAPS.  

The word perhaps implies a questioning of the current perspective or position, or a leniency in our belief.

And perhaps we all need that more than we realise. 

Lately, I’ve heard some very strong opinions about what is happening, needs to happen, must happen, should be happening in various situations.  I’ve got my own strong opinions about things and have expressed them to close friends at times, often in frustration.    

My two teenage girls have very strong opinions about each other and what the other ‘should’ be doing or not doing that would make their life easier.    And like the two men looking at the number nine or number six, they are both right in what they see, but both wrong in their unwillingness to change positions and see the other side of the issue.  That takes maturity and security.  

You don’t have to be on social media for more than five minutes to realise that people have very strong opinions about current issues, and not always because they’ve thought through the issues or done the research.  In the wake of major tragedies like the Texas floods and the injustices in the Middle East conflict, there are many strong opinions, strongly stated, and not always respectfully or carefully stated, and not always with a thought to how it will be received by those personally impacted by those events.  

I’m inclined to agree with J F Kennedy who said, ‘We enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought.’

It’s uncomfortable to think through something and realise that perhaps we were wrong about something we have accepted and preached as true, maybe all our lives.  It’s much easier to not leave any room for ‘perhaps I’m wrong’, but when we don’t, trust and credibility and connection are undermined.  

Does that mean we should compromise on truth?   Not at all.  

But are we the guardians of truth?  Really?  

Or is He? 

He is the Truth.  He is the source of all truth.  

However, when He, the Spirit of truth, has come, He will guide you into all truth; for He will not speak on His own authority, but whatever He hears He will speak; and He will tell you things to come. John 16:13

Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life.  John 14:6

I often say to my girls, and others who ask, that there aren’t two sides to every story.  There are actually three.  There’s yours and mine - and His.  And His view IS the truth in its entirety.     He is in the unique position of being able to see both sides of the coin at.the.same.time.  We cannot do that because we have our limits. 

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord.
“For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts.”  Isa 55:8-9  

Because we have our limits, there needs to be a perhaps in our thinking.   We need to run back to Him when our view is challenged, and we need to ask Him His perspective on it.  We need to be lovers of truth.   If our view is really the truth, then it will withstand the scrutiny.   

We need to be like His disciples who basically said to Him, ‘I have no idea what you’re on about, but I’m going to stay and find out!’  

From that time many of His disciples went back and walked with Him no more.  Then Jesus said to the twelve, “Do you also want to go away?”   But Simon Peter answered Him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.  Also, we have come to believe and know that You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.”   John 6:66-69

And perhaps we also need to ask Him WHY we’re feeling so strongly about it.    Is it fear?  Is it insecurity?  Is it pain?    Is it unforgiveness?  Is it generational pride?   Is it arrogance and ignorance – they generally go together and feed each other.

Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.   James 3:13-17  

There needs to be a perhaps in our thinking until we know what HE says about it, and we’ve sat with the discomfort of the wrestle.    We need to recognize that we have our limits and only HE sees and knows the whole truth of any situation.   We need to give the grace that is given to us, like Jesus did.  He didn’t compromise truth – HE spoke it clearly.   But He was also full of grace and looked beyond the surface of things.  

And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth.   John 1:14

Can we do the same as Jesus?   Can we come at the situation with a ‘perhaps’? 

Perhaps that person isn’t attacking me so much as reflecting their own pain and insecurity.

Perhaps that person has been through immense pain that I know nothing about and can’t begin to understand.  

Perhaps that person is struggling under the weight of the load they carry that I don’t see or feel.

Perhaps there’s more to this issue than I am aware of, and I should be quick to listen so I understand, instead of being quick to react and quick to speak.  

Perhaps what I’ve heard or read or been told isn’t completely true and I should dig deeper.

Perhaps we are both right, but we have limits in our capacity to see the whole picture.  

Perhaps I should step onto their side of the coin, to see their perspective.

Perhaps this issue is not a hill to die on after all.

Can we live with the tension and discomfort of perhaps?   Can we give grace for that without compromising truth?   Can we recognize that HE is the guardian and protector of truth in its entirety, not us?  Can we be wise and understanding enough to live with perhaps in the lives of others?  Can we trust Him to guard and protect the truth while we live humbly with each other? 

He has shown you, O man, what is good;
And what does the Lord require of you
But to do justly,
To love mercy,
And to walk humbly with your God?   Micah 6:8

 

This song is a beautiful reminder of that verse.  

 

And it all comes down to this
What You require of me
Love my neighbour as myself
And You above all things

[Chorus]
Act justly, love mercy, walk humbly
With You, God
In all things, in all ways, walk humbly
With You, God

ARE YOU GOING IN CIRCLES?

 

I'm writing for Five Minute Friday and this week's prompt word is CIRCLE.

Yesterday, I got drawn into a heated argument with my ex-husband.   The conversation kept going in circles.   I realised that the conversation was going to keep going around in circles, circles we’ve been caught in before, multiple times, with no end in sight, so I ended it.

What do we do when something is going in circles?   Because we’re not meant to keep going around in circles.   We’re meant to be moving forward.   Always moving forward.   We’re meant to face issues, address issues, change what needs changing and move forward.     

Our journey with the Lord and with each other should always be showing some kind of growth, even if it’s incremental.  

We’re supposed to be growing – in wisdom, in understanding, in depth, in maturity and therefore in fruit.  

…….. but grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.    To Him be the glory both now and forever. Amen.   2 Peter 3:18 

Forward movement requires growth. 

But growth requires change.   Change often comes through challenge.  Challenge comes through speaking and acknowledging truth, and sometimes just running into the reality of choices and consequences.  

Relationships are not supposed to go in circles.   Yes, some things are every day and mundane and regular and consistent.   But we should be growing and changing and developing, and being challenged to grow.  Moving from glory to glory, being transformed, going deeper with Him will always produce growth.    

…………..that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man,  that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height -  to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.   Ephesians 3:16 – 19

But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord.  2 Cor 3:18

Then Jesus said to those Jews who believed Him, “If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed.     And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”   John 8:31-32

 By this My Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit; so you will be My disciples.  John 15:8

Growth requires challenge.  Those challenges often come through relationships – iron sharpens iron.  

As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.  Prov 27:17 

We can’t just opt out of relationships because we’re being sharpened.  That is not the answer, though it is definitely the easier route, in the short term.   We need to stay and sort it out, and let the Lord do His work in our hearts and minds.  

"Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.    1 Peter 4:8

From what I’ve seen in relationships that are caught in negative cycles (going around in circles), whether it’s parent/child, friendships, leader/follower, sheep/shepherd, husband/wife, is that there’s usually one person who wants it to stay the way it is and one person who’s unsettled, dissatisfied, chafing, resentful  – often because they’re growing and changing and learning, and the other person isn’t, and often doesn’t want to.  

So, if the relationship is caught in dysfunctional cycles (going around in circles), what do we do?

We need to discern if the relationship is merely difficult and can be mended, with requires work on both sides, or if it’s actually destructive.  This is a great video from two of my favourite authors/speakers (Lysa Terkeurst and Leslie Vernick), on this very sensitive and confusing subject.   

When we realise that it is destructive, we have to break the circle, break the cycle, which is incredibly confronting and painful.  Sometimes, the relationship can still be salvaged if both people are willing to recognise the unhealthy circles and do what needs doing.    And sometimes, it can’t.   I’ve written about that breaking here.   

But something I haven’t written about is a profound experience I had with the Lord in April last year, which really confirmed for me that our ‘marriage’ was in fact destructive and that getting out was the right thing to do.   I’ve had to remember it a few times when I’ve been second-guessing my decision, feeling guilty about our current reality, about his current reality, about the messiness and loneliness of it all.    One day I will write about that.  

But what I learnt from that encounter, and have had confirmed since in many ways, about health and wholeness (physical, mental, emotional and spiritual) is that when we’re stuck in a loop of circles within a destructive relationship, we simply cannot get well in any of those areas.   We keep getting wounded and infected, and healing simply isn’t possible. 

We have to stop going in circles to get well, to be truly whole, to experience the shalom that He desires for us.   We simply have to stop and get out of the circle.   The problems have to be spoken out and boundaries put in place.    Boundaries break unhealthy cycles.  Lysa Terkeurst writes about it powerfully in her book, Good Boundaries and Goodbyes.  

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And in all of it, we lean in, hard, while He shows us the pathway forward out of those downward circles and spirals.  We ask for truth and we run to Him with the reality of those truths about us, about the relationship, about the work that needs to be done.    Then, we do the hard work, we face the pain, we feel it, we forgive it, we forge forward, with Him, and we know Him in a way that is only possible in the valley. 

Blessed is the man whose strength is in You,
Whose heart is set on pilgrimage.
As they pass through the Valley of Baca,
They make it a spring;
The rain also covers it with pools.
They go from strength to strength;
Each one appears before God in Zion.   Ps 84:5-7

 

Truth is
Thought I was stuck in the cycle of pain
Over and over reliving the misery
And truth is
Thought that if I could find someone to blame
I could avoid all the secrets that hide in me

But I heard your voice
Above all the noise
Above all the fear
And thousands of lies
Were slowly untied
'Cause you made it clear

That love rescued me
Love set me free
I know what the truth is
Yeah, I know what the truth is
This soul's been claimed
By blood, by grace
I know what the truth is
I know what the truth is

CAN'T OR SHOULDN'T

I'm writing for Five Minute Friday, and this week's prompt word is ANYMORE. 

I can't do THIS anymore!!

If you find yourself saying these words, it's time to re-evaluate. Even if it's just said to yourself, or screamed into your pillow, or thrown out to a listening friend, or muttered as you walk out the door to vent and regroup.  

It's time to re-evaluate your THIS - your relationship, your load, your role, your expectations or someone else's - whatever THIS is that you can't do anymore.

Maybe you're like me and you keep pushing yourself until you break, because you've had to, or trained yourself to, or you're too scared not to. 

But the Lord doesn't keep pushing us to live at the edge of breaking, to continually function at the edge of anymore. 

Oh, He will allow us to break if we have resisted His every invitation to be still and know, to stop striving, to stop overreaching, to simply live within His holy expectations.

It's not His desire to destroy us, but He will crush those things in us that are not of Him, like stubbornness, drivenness, idolatry, performance, people-pleasing, etc.    If we'll stay in the program of surrender and transformation, He will come after those things that are destroying us.  

The alternative to that surrender is to tweak our anymore, adjust the load one more time (after we've had our rant-and-rave break), and then lock ourselves back into the yoke of our own making, or someone else's.  

But if we lock ourselves back into that anymore yoke, without re-evaluating with Him, without finding out why it's rubbing us raw, we really will get to ‘I can't do this anymore!’.

The choice will be taken from us.   

Something will break - our health, our mental health, our relationships, our finances, the quality of our fruit, our position.  

Nothing under that much strain is sustainable indefinitely.   

When we get to that place of ‘I can't do this anymore!!’, and I have a few times, and find myself there again on a particular issue, we have to get some answers from Him.  

He requires excellence, but not exhaustion.

He requires fruit, not productivity.

He requires honesty, not pretending.

My previous post was about persevering and there absolutely is a place for perseverance.

We have to be willing to do that if we know our THIS is from Him and His grace is on it.

But sometimes, we have to recognise that not only is it ‘I can't do this anymore!!’, it's ‘I shouldn't do this anymore!’, because our THIS is not from Him.

Or perhaps something needs to change in our THIS - how and when and how much, and perhaps even why we’re doing it.

People will expect us to keep doing, and we will expect that of ourselves, because of fear, guilt, shame, familiarity, soul ties, etc.  

But when He says enough, we just need to stop. 

We have to stop trying harder, stop adjusting the yoke, and sit. When that time comes, we need to sit and let things fall where they will and rest at His feet.   We need to be prepared, like Mary, to ignore the pressure from others, and the pressure within, and find out what He requires.    

But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her.”   Luke 10:42

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to Me. Get away with Me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with Me and work with Me - watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with Me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”   Matthew 11:28-30

 

I say, "I'm fine, yeah, I'm fine, oh, I'm fine, hey, I'm finе"
But I'm not, I'm broken
And when it's out of control, I say it's under control
But it's not and You know it
I don't know why it's so hard to admit it
Whеn being honest is the only way to fix it
There's no failure, no fall, there's no sin You don't already know
So let the truth be told

WHAT IS NEEDED TO PERSEVERE

I’m writing for Five Minute Friday and this week’s prompt word is PERSEVERE.

That is certainly an apt word for this season of my life.   I have had to persevere through a healing journey, a legal battle, and health issues over the last few years, and I have felt like giving up many times. 

But giving up is not really an option, especially when you have others depending on you.

So, it seems, instead of giving up, we need to find the best way to persevere and get to the other side.  

These are a few things I’ve learned along the way, and they are still necessary reminders to myself.  I hope these reminders help someone else who is in a season of persevering.

 

To persevere requires a Helper – a Helper that is always present, strong, able and willing to uphold you with His righteous right hand, provide for your needs and guide you to the next step.   Isaiah 41:10

To persevere requires support – support of fellow sojourners, who can pray for you, encourage you, meet practical needs, but also just be heading in the same general direction.  Ps 84:6,7

To persevere requires faith – faith to believe in what you can’t yet see, that what feels impossible today will one day become reality.  Hebrews 11:1

To persevere requires hope – hope that fuels your faith, hope for a better future, a way forward.  Romans 15:13

To persevere requires courage – courage to push through pain, challenges, disappointment, hopelessness.  Isaiah 54:4

To persevere requires strength – strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other, to keep showing up, to keep building, to keep using muscles that ache.  Isaiah 40:29-31

To persevere requires diligence – diligence to keep doing what is minor, tedious, mundane, repetitive when you can’t see the difference it’s making.   Galatians 6:9

To persevere requires excellence – excellence to do everything unto Him, from Him, with Him, with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.  Colossians 3:23,24

To persevere requires rest – rest from striving, overdoing, overthinking, imagining worst case scenarios, and everything that hinders the way forward.   Isaiah 30:15

To persevere requires understanding – understanding how you got here and how to move forward, learning new things about yourself, your body, your relationships, your finances and more.  Proverbs 4:7

To persevere requires wisdom – wisdom to know what to do, what to stop doing, what to choose, what to let go of.   Proverbs 3:5,6

Lastly, to persevere requires surrender – surrender of all that you are so that you can be transformed from caterpillar to butterfly, to live a life that glorifies Him.     Romans 12:1,2

Whatever it is you may be going through
I know he's not gonna let it get the best of you

You're an overcomer
Stay in the fight 'til the final round
You're not going under
'Cause God is holding you right now
You might be down for a moment
Feeling like it's hopeless
That's when he reminds you
That you're an overcomer
You're an overcomer

PROVE IT!!

I’m writing for Five Minute Friday and this week’s prompt word is PROVE. 

 

Prove it!   Put your money where your mouth is!   Show me! 

Have you ever had someone say those things to you?

Have you ever said them to someone else?

Have you ever wished you could?   But you don’t, because you’re too polite for that (or too scared, or too busy burying your real feelings, even from yourself).  

Oftentimes, these are words with pain behind them, considerable pain, because someone has said what they don't actually mean, and made promises and broken them.    

We need the words we hear to have substance, not just sound good. 

We actually need people to prove that they’re trustworthy. 

Relationships live or die on trust.   Like I say to my younger girls, ‘Trust is hard won, and easily broken, and needs to be maintained, not just gained’. 

Having said that, we can’t hold a gun to someone’s head and ask them to continually prove that they love us by giving in to what we want, or by agreeing with something we’re saying that’s not true, or by having to continually make up for something they’ve done in the past that they’ve apologised for.   That kind of demand for proof is based on unforgiveness or entitlement, often both.  They are not obligated to keep trying to prove it when we are holding onto those things. 

But, moving forward, our actions should prove that we say what we mean, and we mean what we say.  

God’s actions do.   I’ve come to learn that more and more over the last few years. 
His words have substance and they are tried and tested and solid.

The words of the Lord are pure words,
Like silver tried in a furnace of earth,
Purified seven times.
You shall keep them, O Lord,
You shall preserve them from this generation forever.   Psalm 12:6,7

When someone proves to me, by their actions, or, just as importantly, their lack of actions, that their words are just nice words, not backed by action, then their words lose their credibility, and their words start to bounce off my head and my heart. 

I’ve had that happen over the last few years with someone who wanted to restore a relationship that was very broken, said all the right things, things they thought I wanted to hear, but their actions proved something very different.   It was really the final proof for me that that person cannot be trusted, and now their words hold little substance, and are actually offensive to me. 

But it’s easy to see what someone else is doing.  

What about us?   What about our words and our actions?  

What about me?   What about my words and my actions?  Do they line up?  

That’s the starting point for change - What about me, Lord? 

Just recently, I received a phone call from someone in our church who was very upset and had spent the night stewing about it.   More than just the night, really.   She’s spent weeks stewing on much of what she vented about early that morning, but something had happened the day before that had triggered all the hurt she’s been stuffing down for weeks.  Out it came.    I’d heard much of it before and it’s not easily solved.   But what I realised was that she was desperately trying to understand why nice words are being said and consistent actions are proving something else.    

She’s come through decades of domestic violence and broken promises and betrayed trust, in key relationships, and in churches.   She’s trying desperately to believe that we, as a church family, can be trusted.   And a few key people in our church have proven that, again and again, in the big ways that she’s needed.    But she needs the church as a whole to prove that they can be trusted, to show up for her and help her carry her very heavy load in regular, consistent, simple ways.   But, and here’s the but, she also needs to give the rest of them a chance to prove that they care, which means making herself vulnerable and opening up to more than just the three of us who know what’s going on in her life.  

So, where does the burden of proof lie?   That’s the question that I’m asking myself in this situation (along with, 'How do I need to show up differently for her?').   

Does the burden of proof lie with the person who’s hurting?  Partly, yes.  They need to learn to be honest – with themselves, and with others, instead of stuffing down hurt, and to learn how to express their needs in a calm way.       That's a hard call after decades of being neglected and dismissed and berated for having any needs.  

Does the burden of proof lie with those wanting to prove their love for the wounded person?   Yes, I think so and honestly, more so.   We have to regard the weaknesses of others, weakness that’s there because of so much damage done, for so long, oftentimes by ‘Christians’, in church.   

We then who are strong ought to bear with the scruples of the weak, and not to please ourselves. Let each of us please his neighbour for his good, leading to edification.    For even Christ did not please Himself; but as it is written, “The reproaches of those who reproached You fell on Me.”    For whatever things were written before were written for our learning, that we through the patience and comfort of the Scriptures might have hope. Now may the God of patience and comfort grant you to be like-minded toward one another, according to Christ Jesus, that you may with one mind and one mouth glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.  Rom 15:1-6

Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.   Gal 6:2

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This whole scenario, reminds me of The Servant Song, which I grew up singing.   

Oh that we would want to serve others, and let them serve us - not sure which is harder, to be honest. 

 

Brother, let me be your servant.
Let me be as Christ to you.
Pray that I might have the grace
To let you be my servant, too.

We are pilgrims on a journey.
We are brothers on the road.
We are here to help each other
Walk the mile and bear the load.

I will hold the Christ-light for you
In the night-time of your fear.
I will hold my hand out to you;
Speak the peace you long to hear.

I will weep when you are weeping.
When you laugh, I’ll laugh with you.
I will share your joy and sorrow
Till we’ve seen this journey through.

When we sing to God in heaven,
We shall find such harmony
Born of all we’ve known together
Of Christ’s love and agony.

Brother, let me be your servant.
Let me be as Christ to you.
Pray that I might have the grace
To let you be my servant, too.

 

The Servant Song lyrics © Universal Music – Brentwood Benson Publ.