WON'T OR CAN'T - MAYBE IT'S BOTH

It's very easy to get frustrated with someone whose lack of genuine love, grace and maturity is damaging you or someone you care about.   

Today, I asked the Lord about it.  'Is it can't or won't?'.  Honestly, the answer to that question was going to determine my attitude toward them - how much grace I was willing to extend, yet again.  

His answer:  "Maybe it's both.   And maybe it's not for you to know how much of each is playing into their actions or lack of action.  But it is time to get out of harm's way."     

Mmmm, that puts a different spin on it.   

Many years ago, when I was really struggling with my regular 'it's not fair!' thoughts in relation to how dysfunctional my mother was and how that has affected me, He put it to me like this: 

"If your mother was in a wheelchair, would you expect her to run across the road to save you from an oncoming car?  No, that would be unreasonable.   You need to recognise and make allowances for your mother's limitations."   

All I could see was her won't  -  her unwillingness.  I couldn't see her can't - her incapacity.  

We have to remember that.    What is reasonable to expect and what isn't?   

It is reasonable to expect a parent of normal ability to run across the road and save you from an oncoming vehicle.    God designed it that way.   That's how it's supposed to be.   But some parents just can't.   And some parents won't.   That's just the truth of it.   

But, oftentimes it's both.   How much of their won't is tied to their can't?    A parent who was not parented well, has a reduced capacity to be a parent.    You don't know what you don't know.   You can't give what you haven't received.  You can't teach what you haven't learnt.    You can't show what you haven't seen.   So, there's that.   It's very important to recognise and forgive our parents' humanity.   

But, and here's the but - we need to keep these things in balance.  While we're extending grace because of incapacity, we need to extend grace to ourselves and not put ourselves in front of the moving car.    As children, we can't always do that.   But, as adults we must take responsibility for our own well-being.  

As I've said to my girls before, 'If you accidentally drop a brick on your sister's toe, you'll probably break it.   And, if you deliberately drop a brick on your sister's toe, you'll probably break it'.    Either way, the damage is done and needs to be looked at.   Best to avoid the damage if possible, but the damage is still damage and it needs to be acknowledged, and allowance and space made for healing.  

Obviously, if you have a child who is disabled and therefore clumsy and inclined to drop bricks on a sibling's toe, you would put boundaries in place to prevent that.   At least you should.   As a parent, it's my responsibility to do something about a child getting wounded.   

But as an adult, it's my responsibility to do something about me getting wounded.   

That's the hard part.  Knowing when to pull your feet out of harm's way.   Knowing when to say "Enough - my toes keep getting broken, to the point where I will forever walk with a limp."  

How often do you keep lining up for that stuff?   When do you stop? 

That's grace for the toe owner, as well as grace for the disabled person.   

That's the balance.   There needs to be grace for both.  

Maybe it's won't.   Maybe it's can't.   Maybe it's both.   

So - both parties need grace, including me.   

https://www.art4himstudios.com/psalm-23-devotional/archives/08-2019

Walking in His grace to myself is probably the hardest thing to do in all of this.   

Learning that my toes actually matter, and that He's saying, "It's time to get them out of harm's way."  

 

For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You anoint my head with oil ...............  Psalm 23:4,5

The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,

And His ears are open to their cry.

The face of the Lord is against those who do evil,

To cut off the remembrance of them from the earth.

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears,

And delivers them out of all their troubles.

The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart,

And saves such as have a contrite spirit.

Many are the afflictions of the righteous,

But the Lord delivers him out of them all.

He guards all his bones; not one of them is broken.

Ps 34:15-20

A song that brings much-needed perspective.   

When you see nothing but damaged goods

I see something good in the making

I'm not finished yet

When you see wounded, I see mended

I see My child, My beloved

The new creation you're becoming............