THE LONG ROAD HOME

I'm writing for Five Minute Friday and today's prompt word is ROAD.  

How lovely is Your tabernacle, O Lord of hosts!

My soul longs, yes, even faints for the courts of the Lord;

My heart and my flesh cry out for the living God.

Even the sparrow has found a home...............   Ps 84:1-3

All roads lead home.   Well no, they don't, but one road does - the road He calls you on to get home - to Him.   

Blessed are those who dwell in Your house;

They will still be praising You. Selah

Blessed is the man whose strength is in You,

Whose heart is set on pilgrimage.

Each one appears before God in Zion  Ps 84:5, 7

A home is a structure, a house, but it's more than that.     A home has walls and a ceiling for protection.  It has pretty things and special things to celebrate milestones, achievements, a person's value in the home.   It has necessary things like food and clothing and tools.  It is a place to stop and rest and refresh.  It's a place to learn and grow in a safe environment.    Or at least it should be.   

Home is a place where children should feel safe, and be safe. 

Home is a place where children should be allowed to be children - not carrying responsibility beyond their ability and maturity.

Home is a place where children should be nurtured, taught, loved, and protected. 

What if home wasn't like that for you, for me?   Well, that makes the road home, to Him, a lot harder but more precious.   

There were some aspects of my childhood home that were helpful and nurturing.   But there were some aspects that were incredibly harmful and where I learnt, at a very deep level, at the age of 12, that being alone was the only safe place to be.    I was not at home - at rest - in my parents' home.   

So I created another structure, a mental stronghold and a place in my heart that was my 'safe' place.   It was a necessary thing to do but it's been a very lonely 'safe' place.   The walls that protect you and that you build by necessity, often are the same walls that keep out real love.   Actually, I had no idea just how much of a stronghold that 'safe' place was for me and how much it was impacting my relationship with the Father.   

I've spent the last two weeks wrestling with fear, in a big way, and this week has been particularly difficult.   The Lord has been peeling back the layers, yet again, this time to a core issue - where is your home?   Is your home in Me?   Or are you hiding and letting me come and go on your terms?    

This week, He invited me to let go of my hidey hole, my safety structure, to come into HIS secret place, HIS home instead.   

https://discover.hubpages.com/religion-philosophy/atthefeetofJesus

Once I could see it for what it was, I knew what I needed to do, but it was terrifying, because that structure, that 'safe' place, was built as a result of deep trauma and betrayal, by a father and a mother.    You can read more about it here, if you'd like to.   

About 20 years ago, the Lord led me to Psalm 27.  And He's led me there again and again.   It's a story of coming home, and the road it takes to get there - through fear, attack, rejection, violence, lies, misunderstanding, trouble.    This road leads to the Father, but it takes believing in the goodness of God, hooking into His strength to stay on that road when you want to quit and settle for less.   

I would have lost heart, unless I had believed 

that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Ps 27:13  

When your trust has been shattered, at an early age, it takes some doing, this staying on the road that leads you home.  The road seems especially daunting when the goal itself is unclear.   You don't know what it is to actually to feel safe, to be able to relax in this home, this safe place that you're heading to, because your safe place is all you've known and so you wonder if the difficulties of the road are actually worth it.    Sometimes, you wonder just how long this road through the valley is - does it ever end?   It seems to have a lot of twists and turns and bogholes, this road home, to the Father's safety.   

Every time I go back to this psalm, another truth jumps out at me and I wonder how I could have missed it the last fifty times I've read it.   

This week He led me here, verse 5.

For in the time of trouble HE shall hide me in HIS pavilion;

In the secret place of HIS tabernacle He shall hide me;

He shall set me high upon a rock.

All along, this psalm contained the concept of a safe place and somehow I missed it.   

As I discovered, a pavilion is a tent, a place to dwell, to live, to stay, a place of protection and covering and provision.  While a tent is a temporary dwelling, the belonging and protection He offers is not.   

The dwelling place of God is His mercy seat, the place to come boldly and meet with Him and receive grace and mercy, as needed, whenever needed.  

Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.  Heb 4:16 

It takes some relearning to come.     It takes courage to come out of hiding.  

That mercy seat reminds me of the Father's lap - a better safe place.      It's like finally being able to drop the backpack, take off my shoes and fall in an exhausted heap, to stop striving, stop looking over my shoulder, to stop running, to stop being strong for Him, and let Him be strong for me.   The revelation of being able to finally and properly rest in HIS safe place blows my mind - I've been carrying a heavy load since I was 12, all my adult life and then some.   

He is my safe place.  End of story.   I may not be at the end of this healing journey, but I suspect that I can do the rest of it in the safety of His dwelling place, in His tent.      

It's been a long road home.   

Return to your rest, O my soul, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.

For You have delivered my soul from death, 

my eyes from tears,

And my feet from falling.

I will walk before the Lord

In the land of the living.   Ps 116:7-9

I sat and played this song on my guitar this morning, even though I have little voice today.   

Come live in me

All my life

Take over

Come breathe in me

And I will rise

On eagle's wings

Here I am waiting

Abide in me I pray

Here I am longing

For You

Hide me in Your love

Bring me to my knees

May I know Jesus

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