Years ago, we had a severe drought on our farm. We've had quite a few severe droughts but this one was particularly bad.
The ground was bare and like concrete. We were losing sheep every day because we barely had any water or feed, and they were weak. We were hand-feeding them because there was absolutely nothing left for them to forage. All but one of our dams was empty and the one dam with water was surrounded by mud that pulled the sheep down, and they were mostly too weak to climb back out.
The dust would blow around and it was so disheartening to watch. Sometimes, the clouds would build up, and so would our hopes, and then they would blow away without a drop.
It was an emotional roller coaster and pretty darn exhausting for everyone, in so many ways. We got tired of waiting and watching and hoping and praying.
One day, I went outside to pray - again.
And the Lord spoke to me, very clearly, almost audibly, but not quite.
'Stop nagging Me about this like I don't see, don't know and don't care. Start thanking Me for what I AM doing that you can't see, for what I WILL do that you can't see or imagine, and that I AM faithful'.
Light bulb moment - there was no faith in my prayers, just empty words, nagging words, hopeless words. So I stopped nagging and started thanking Him instead. Every time I went outside to look at the situation, I thanked Him for all His faithfulness to us over the years. I thanked Him for His current faithfulness IN the situation. I thanked Him for what He wanted to do and was going to do - more than I could see or imagine. And it shifted my praying. It shifted my focus from the problem to Him - bigger than the problem. It shifted my attitude from disbelief to belief, from hopelessness to hope, from fear to faith.
About a week later, it started to rain - a lot! I heard this roaring noise, and realised that it was water literally pouring into our huge empty dam, the one closest to the house. It was pouring in so fast that it was dangerous to be anywhere near the edge of that dam. In less than six hours, every dam on our property was full to overflowing, including the biggest one. The situation had completely turned on its head. It took a while for things to grow again, but it gave us hope for the coming months - for water and feed.
We couldn't do it - we couldn't fill that dam or any other dam. We couldn't change the situation at all. There was absolutely nothing we could do ourselves to fix it. We were managing it as best as we could, but we couldn't change it. And that's such a frustrating place to be.
And yet, that's where the power is, really. That's when we have nowhere left to turn but to Him, if we choose to. When we finally get to the end of ourselves, to the end of what we can do, we allow Him to do what He's wanted to do all along - show up as God Almighty, and meet our need, the way He knows best, with His mercy and grace.
That's when you see:
His power
Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us Eph 3:20
His infinite understanding of the problem
His understanding is infinite........... Ps 147:5
His mercy
Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him. Isa 30:18
His faithfulness
For the word of the Lord is upright, and all His work is done in faithfulness. Ps 33:4
His love
So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him 1 John 4:16
His patience
The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love... Ps 103:8
And with all of that, His command - do not be afraid, spoken so many times to so many of His people throughout the centuries and still valid today, because He hasn't changed.
Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ Isa 41:10
His plans are eternal, His character is eternal, His power is eternal, never changing, never failing. His mercy is new every.single.day. That's the point of mercy - God doing what we can't.
I must be a bit thick though, because once again I'm faced with something I can't change and I am incredibly frustrated - and fearful, if I'm honest. I've got to a certain point on this healing journey and I'm stuck and I have no idea how to fix it, how to change it, how to move forward.
It's been clear up to this point, where He'll show me something to surrender, to forgive, to rethink, to change, and I do, albeit after some wrestling. But this time, it's like I'm stuck in one of those dust storms and got nowhere to go with it, no way to fix it, can't see enough to know what to do.
He's not giving me something to do to move forward. I'm in pain and I can't fix it, can't heal it, can't even bandage it up. Every attempt on my part to re-bury it is unsuccessful. He's decided it's time to heal this wound and only He can do it. I wish I understood it, but wishing doesn't change anything.
I can't do anything but wait - on Him. Maybe that's the point. Maybe the lesson IS the waiting, the not being able to do anything to move forward. I'm a fixer, always trying to put things right, but He's actually trying to teach me to rest, to wait, to be still. Goes against everything I've learnt to do.
That's when He leads me here, to realise it's not MY strength that impresses Him. Instead, He takes pleasure in me understanding that HE is God, that HE is merciful, that HE is above me and my ability to shift this.
He does not delight in the strength of the horse;
He takes no pleasure in the legs of a man.
The Lord takes pleasure in those who fear HIM,
In those who hope in His mercy. Ps 147:11
Maybe in the forced waiting, I'll learn something about myself that will change the way I relate to Him, that will heal something that is very broken.
It's not MY strength that is going to get me through this - it's His. It's not my wisdom or nouse or perseverance or anything else I can muster up. It's just me waiting, and therein lies the victory I think (and the frustration). Therein is the change that needs to happen in my brain - that it's okay to stop being the fixer and lean instead into His mercy, and that He will come through.
The spoils of the victory will be mine, but the power and the timing and the glory will not.
Yours, O Lord, is the greatness, The power and the glory, The victory and the majesty; For all that is in heaven and in earth is Yours; Yours is the kingdom, O Lord, And You are exalted as head over all. 1 Chron 29:11
I discovered this beautiful song and reminder yesterday that God is in my story.
God is in this story
God is in the details
Even in the broken parts
He holds my heart, He never fails
When I'm at my weakest
I will trust in Jesus
Always in the highs and lows
The One who goes before me
God is in this story
So if the storm you're walking through
Feels like it's too much and you
Wonder if He even cares at all
Well, hold on tight to what you know
He promised He won't let you go
Your song of healing's written in His scars
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