EXTREME MERCY

I'm writing for Five Minute Friday, and today's prompt word is EXTREME.  

Forgiveness seems extreme and extremely unfair, when you've been badly damaged or hurt. 

Of course, as C S Lewis said, everyone thinks forgiveness is a great idea, until they have something to forgive.  

We understand the concept well enough, or do we?   Many people think forgiveness is agreement with what was done or permission to keep doing it.   It's neither of those.   It's letting go of the offence and the desire for justice.   That's the hardest part.    It is unfair, really.   

I remember saying so to the Lord, many years ago, and I've repeated myself a few times over the last eighteen months or so, often in extreme anger.

I was extremely angry last week, which is why I just couldn't write anything for FMF.   I spent days being angry about some stuff that the Lord brought to the surface - years of suppressed anger really.    I knew that under the anger was extreme pain - it was easier to be angry, to keep that as my self-protect mechanism, than to face and feel that pain.  

It didn't do me any good, really, because it literally made me sick, as anger tends to do.     By Friday, I realised I needed to do something about it, to talk it out with my mentor, who is very good at untangling the knots, but mostly at just allowing me to verbalise what's in my heart.

I even swore - not at her, but in her company.    I do that occasionally when I have no more words, or when the pain is beyond explanation.    She was very gracious and I apologised afterwards, but she got it.   She's been through things similar to what was making me angry.  

I think anger that surfaces after years of suppression can feel even more extreme because it seems to grow and create pressure, like a simmering volcano.    I also saw how I've coped with the pain behind the anger, instead of letting God deal with it.    I think my coping mechanisms are the next thing on His hit list (sigh).

I remember a similar situation early last year where I exploded in extreme anger with a friend, not at her, but because she was speaking about my father and I was already boiling under the surface.   

When I got home, the Lord said to me, 'You have no right to be angry' and I thought that was extremely unfair and said so, as I went to bed, angry.  

The next morning, He qualified it by saying, "You have every reason to be angry, because what he did to you was very wrong and very damaging, but, in the light of the cross, you have no right to stay angry."   

My response:   That is extremely unfair!

His response:   So was the cross!   

http://clipart-library.com/pictures-of-the-cross-of-calvary.html

This last week, even in the midst of my extreme anger, I once again started to get a deeper picture of His extreme mercy towards me, because while I was wrestling with pain and anger, I started to get a deeper picture of my own sin (sigh).

The week ended with me on my knees in church, in surrender to the One who knows all about extreme pain and injustice and handled it with extreme love.     

But HE was wounded for our transgressions,

HE was bruised for our iniquities;

The chastisement for our peace was upon HIM,

And by HIS stripes we are healed.

All we like sheep have gone astray;

We have turned, every one, to his own way;

And the Lord has laid on HIM the iniquity of us all.

HE was oppressed and HE was afflicted,

Yet HE opened not HIS mouth;

HE was led as a lamb to the slaughter,

And as a sheep before its shearers is silent,

So HE opened not HIS mouth.   Isa 53:5-7

..................not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to HIS mercy HE saved us....   Titus 3:5

I discovered this beautiful song in the midst of all those extremes and have had it on repeat. 

I could stand here

And try to tell you

I found my way here on my own

Brought to life this heart of stone

Made up my own mind

To change my own life

Working my own way to good

As if anybody could

But the truth is I've been broken since my very first breath

And the truth is I've been wandering since my very first step

I know the only reason

I can stand here unashamed

Is not because I'm worthy

It's all because of mercy