ARE YOU GOING IN CIRCLES?

 

I'm writing for Five Minute Friday and this week's prompt word is CIRCLE.

Yesterday, I got drawn into a heated argument with my ex-husband.   The conversation kept going in circles.   I realised that the conversation was going to keep going around in circles, circles we’ve been caught in before, multiple times, with no end in sight, so I ended it.

What do we do when something is going in circles?   Because we’re not meant to keep going around in circles.   We’re meant to be moving forward.   Always moving forward.   We’re meant to face issues, address issues, change what needs changing and move forward.     

Our journey with the Lord and with each other should always be showing some kind of growth, even if it’s incremental.  

We’re supposed to be growing – in wisdom, in understanding, in depth, in maturity and therefore in fruit.  

…….. but grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.    To Him be the glory both now and forever. Amen.   2 Peter 3:18 

Forward movement requires growth. 

But growth requires change.   Change often comes through challenge.  Challenge comes through speaking and acknowledging truth, and sometimes just running into the reality of choices and consequences.  

Relationships are not supposed to go in circles.   Yes, some things are every day and mundane and regular and consistent.   But we should be growing and changing and developing, and being challenged to grow.  Moving from glory to glory, being transformed, going deeper with Him will always produce growth.    

…………..that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man,  that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height -  to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.   Ephesians 3:16 – 19

But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord.  2 Cor 3:18

Then Jesus said to those Jews who believed Him, “If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed.     And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”   John 8:31-32

 By this My Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit; so you will be My disciples.  John 15:8

Growth requires challenge.  Those challenges often come through relationships – iron sharpens iron.  

As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.  Prov 27:17 

We can’t just opt out of relationships because we’re being sharpened.  That is not the answer, though it is definitely the easier route, in the short term.   We need to stay and sort it out, and let the Lord do His work in our hearts and minds.  

"Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.    1 Peter 4:8

From what I’ve seen in relationships that are caught in negative cycles (going around in circles), whether it’s parent/child, friendships, leader/follower, sheep/shepherd, husband/wife, is that there’s usually one person who wants it to stay the way it is and one person who’s unsettled, dissatisfied, chafing, resentful  – often because they’re growing and changing and learning, and the other person isn’t, and often doesn’t want to.  

So, if the relationship is caught in dysfunctional cycles (going around in circles), what do we do?

We need to discern if the relationship is merely difficult and can be mended, with requires work on both sides, or if it’s actually destructive.  This is a great video from two of my favourite authors/speakers (Lysa Terkeurst and Leslie Vernick), on this very sensitive and confusing subject.   

When we realise that it is destructive, we have to break the circle, break the cycle, which is incredibly confronting and painful.  Sometimes, the relationship can still be salvaged if both people are willing to recognise the unhealthy circles and do what needs doing.    And sometimes, it can’t.   I’ve written about that breaking here.   

But something I haven’t written about is a profound experience I had with the Lord in April last year, which really confirmed for me that our ‘marriage’ was in fact destructive and that getting out was the right thing to do.   I’ve had to remember it a few times when I’ve been second-guessing my decision, feeling guilty about our current reality, about his current reality, about the messiness and loneliness of it all.    One day I will write about that.  

But what I learnt from that encounter, and have had confirmed since in many ways, about health and wholeness (physical, mental, emotional and spiritual) is that when we’re stuck in a loop of circles within a destructive relationship, we simply cannot get well in any of those areas.   We keep getting wounded and infected, and healing simply isn’t possible. 

We have to stop going in circles to get well, to be truly whole, to experience the shalom that He desires for us.   We simply have to stop and get out of the circle.   The problems have to be spoken out and boundaries put in place.    Boundaries break unhealthy cycles.  Lysa Terkeurst writes about it powerfully in her book, Good Boundaries and Goodbyes.  

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And in all of it, we lean in, hard, while He shows us the pathway forward out of those downward circles and spirals.  We ask for truth and we run to Him with the reality of those truths about us, about the relationship, about the work that needs to be done.    Then, we do the hard work, we face the pain, we feel it, we forgive it, we forge forward, with Him, and we know Him in a way that is only possible in the valley. 

Blessed is the man whose strength is in You,
Whose heart is set on pilgrimage.
As they pass through the Valley of Baca,
They make it a spring;
The rain also covers it with pools.
They go from strength to strength;
Each one appears before God in Zion.   Ps 84:5-7

 

Truth is
Thought I was stuck in the cycle of pain
Over and over reliving the misery
And truth is
Thought that if I could find someone to blame
I could avoid all the secrets that hide in me

But I heard your voice
Above all the noise
Above all the fear
And thousands of lies
Were slowly untied
'Cause you made it clear

That love rescued me
Love set me free
I know what the truth is
Yeah, I know what the truth is
This soul's been claimed
By blood, by grace
I know what the truth is
I know what the truth is

CAN'T OR SHOULDN'T

I'm writing for Five Minute Friday, and this week's prompt word is ANYMORE. 

I can't do THIS anymore!!

If you find yourself saying these words, it's time to re-evaluate. Even if it's just said to yourself, or screamed into your pillow, or thrown out to a listening friend, or muttered as you walk out the door to vent and regroup.  

It's time to re-evaluate your THIS - your relationship, your load, your role, your expectations or someone else's - whatever THIS is that you can't do anymore.

Maybe you're like me and you keep pushing yourself until you break, because you've had to, or trained yourself to, or you're too scared not to. 

But the Lord doesn't keep pushing us to live at the edge of breaking, to continually function at the edge of anymore. 

Oh, He will allow us to break if we have resisted His every invitation to be still and know, to stop striving, to stop overreaching, to simply live within His holy expectations.

It's not His desire to destroy us, but He will crush those things in us that are not of Him, like stubbornness, drivenness, idolatry, performance, people-pleasing, etc.    If we'll stay in the program of surrender and transformation, He will come after those things that are destroying us.  

The alternative to that surrender is to tweak our anymore, adjust the load one more time (after we've had our rant-and-rave break), and then lock ourselves back into the yoke of our own making, or someone else's.  

But if we lock ourselves back into that anymore yoke, without re-evaluating with Him, without finding out why it's rubbing us raw, we really will get to ‘I can't do this anymore!’.

The choice will be taken from us.   

Something will break - our health, our mental health, our relationships, our finances, the quality of our fruit, our position.  

Nothing under that much strain is sustainable indefinitely.   

When we get to that place of ‘I can't do this anymore!!’, and I have a few times, and find myself there again on a particular issue, we have to get some answers from Him.  

He requires excellence, but not exhaustion.

He requires fruit, not productivity.

He requires honesty, not pretending.

My previous post was about persevering and there absolutely is a place for perseverance.

We have to be willing to do that if we know our THIS is from Him and His grace is on it.

But sometimes, we have to recognise that not only is it ‘I can't do this anymore!!’, it's ‘I shouldn't do this anymore!’, because our THIS is not from Him.

Or perhaps something needs to change in our THIS - how and when and how much, and perhaps even why we’re doing it.

People will expect us to keep doing, and we will expect that of ourselves, because of fear, guilt, shame, familiarity, soul ties, etc.  

But when He says enough, we just need to stop. 

We have to stop trying harder, stop adjusting the yoke, and sit. When that time comes, we need to sit and let things fall where they will and rest at His feet.   We need to be prepared, like Mary, to ignore the pressure from others, and the pressure within, and find out what He requires.    

But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her.”   Luke 10:42

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to Me. Get away with Me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with Me and work with Me - watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with Me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”   Matthew 11:28-30

 

I say, "I'm fine, yeah, I'm fine, oh, I'm fine, hey, I'm finе"
But I'm not, I'm broken
And when it's out of control, I say it's under control
But it's not and You know it
I don't know why it's so hard to admit it
Whеn being honest is the only way to fix it
There's no failure, no fall, there's no sin You don't already know
So let the truth be told

WHAT IS NEEDED TO PERSEVERE

I’m writing for Five Minute Friday and this week’s prompt word is PERSEVERE.

That is certainly an apt word for this season of my life.   I have had to persevere through a healing journey, a legal battle, and health issues over the last few years, and I have felt like giving up many times. 

But giving up is not really an option, especially when you have others depending on you.

So, it seems, instead of giving up, we need to find the best way to persevere and get to the other side.  

These are a few things I’ve learned along the way, and they are still necessary reminders to myself.  I hope these reminders help someone else who is in a season of persevering.

 

To persevere requires a Helper – a Helper that is always present, strong, able and willing to uphold you with His righteous right hand, provide for your needs and guide you to the next step.   Isaiah 41:10

To persevere requires support – support of fellow sojourners, who can pray for you, encourage you, meet practical needs, but also just be heading in the same general direction.  Ps 84:6,7

To persevere requires faith – faith to believe in what you can’t yet see, that what feels impossible today will one day become reality.  Hebrews 11:1

To persevere requires hope – hope that fuels your faith, hope for a better future, a way forward.  Romans 15:13

To persevere requires courage – courage to push through pain, challenges, disappointment, hopelessness.  Isaiah 54:4

To persevere requires strength – strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other, to keep showing up, to keep building, to keep using muscles that ache.  Isaiah 40:29-31

To persevere requires diligence – diligence to keep doing what is minor, tedious, mundane, repetitive when you can’t see the difference it’s making.   Galatians 6:9

To persevere requires excellence – excellence to do everything unto Him, from Him, with Him, with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.  Colossians 3:23,24

To persevere requires rest – rest from striving, overdoing, overthinking, imagining worst case scenarios, and everything that hinders the way forward.   Isaiah 30:15

To persevere requires understanding – understanding how you got here and how to move forward, learning new things about yourself, your body, your relationships, your finances and more.  Proverbs 4:7

To persevere requires wisdom – wisdom to know what to do, what to stop doing, what to choose, what to let go of.   Proverbs 3:5,6

Lastly, to persevere requires surrender – surrender of all that you are so that you can be transformed from caterpillar to butterfly, to live a life that glorifies Him.     Romans 12:1,2

Whatever it is you may be going through
I know he's not gonna let it get the best of you

You're an overcomer
Stay in the fight 'til the final round
You're not going under
'Cause God is holding you right now
You might be down for a moment
Feeling like it's hopeless
That's when he reminds you
That you're an overcomer
You're an overcomer

PROVE IT!!

I’m writing for Five Minute Friday and this week’s prompt word is PROVE. 

 

Prove it!   Put your money where your mouth is!   Show me! 

Have you ever had someone say those things to you?

Have you ever said them to someone else?

Have you ever wished you could?   But you don’t, because you’re too polite for that (or too scared, or too busy burying your real feelings, even from yourself).  

Oftentimes, these are words with pain behind them, considerable pain, because someone has said what they don't actually mean, and made promises and broken them.    

We need the words we hear to have substance, not just sound good. 

We actually need people to prove that they’re trustworthy. 

Relationships live or die on trust.   Like I say to my younger girls, ‘Trust is hard won, and easily broken, and needs to be maintained, not just gained’. 

Having said that, we can’t hold a gun to someone’s head and ask them to continually prove that they love us by giving in to what we want, or by agreeing with something we’re saying that’s not true, or by having to continually make up for something they’ve done in the past that they’ve apologised for.   That kind of demand for proof is based on unforgiveness or entitlement, often both.  They are not obligated to keep trying to prove it when we are holding onto those things. 

But, moving forward, our actions should prove that we say what we mean, and we mean what we say.  

God’s actions do.   I’ve come to learn that more and more over the last few years. 
His words have substance and they are tried and tested and solid.

The words of the Lord are pure words,
Like silver tried in a furnace of earth,
Purified seven times.
You shall keep them, O Lord,
You shall preserve them from this generation forever.   Psalm 12:6,7

When someone proves to me, by their actions, or, just as importantly, their lack of actions, that their words are just nice words, not backed by action, then their words lose their credibility, and their words start to bounce off my head and my heart. 

I’ve had that happen over the last few years with someone who wanted to restore a relationship that was very broken, said all the right things, things they thought I wanted to hear, but their actions proved something very different.   It was really the final proof for me that that person cannot be trusted, and now their words hold little substance, and are actually offensive to me. 

But it’s easy to see what someone else is doing.  

What about us?   What about our words and our actions?  

What about me?   What about my words and my actions?  Do they line up?  

That’s the starting point for change - What about me, Lord? 

Just recently, I received a phone call from someone in our church who was very upset and had spent the night stewing about it.   More than just the night, really.   She’s spent weeks stewing on much of what she vented about early that morning, but something had happened the day before that had triggered all the hurt she’s been stuffing down for weeks.  Out it came.    I’d heard much of it before and it’s not easily solved.   But what I realised was that she was desperately trying to understand why nice words are being said and consistent actions are proving something else.    

She’s come through decades of domestic violence and broken promises and betrayed trust, in key relationships, and in churches.   She’s trying desperately to believe that we, as a church family, can be trusted.   And a few key people in our church have proven that, again and again, in the big ways that she’s needed.    But she needs the church as a whole to prove that they can be trusted, to show up for her and help her carry her very heavy load in regular, consistent, simple ways.   But, and here’s the but, she also needs to give the rest of them a chance to prove that they care, which means making herself vulnerable and opening up to more than just the three of us who know what’s going on in her life.  

So, where does the burden of proof lie?   That’s the question that I’m asking myself in this situation (along with, 'How do I need to show up differently for her?').   

Does the burden of proof lie with the person who’s hurting?  Partly, yes.  They need to learn to be honest – with themselves, and with others, instead of stuffing down hurt, and to learn how to express their needs in a calm way.       That's a hard call after decades of being neglected and dismissed and berated for having any needs.  

Does the burden of proof lie with those wanting to prove their love for the wounded person?   Yes, I think so and honestly, more so.   We have to regard the weaknesses of others, weakness that’s there because of so much damage done, for so long, oftentimes by ‘Christians’, in church.   

We then who are strong ought to bear with the scruples of the weak, and not to please ourselves. Let each of us please his neighbour for his good, leading to edification.    For even Christ did not please Himself; but as it is written, “The reproaches of those who reproached You fell on Me.”    For whatever things were written before were written for our learning, that we through the patience and comfort of the Scriptures might have hope. Now may the God of patience and comfort grant you to be like-minded toward one another, according to Christ Jesus, that you may with one mind and one mouth glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.  Rom 15:1-6

Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.   Gal 6:2

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This whole scenario, reminds me of The Servant Song, which I grew up singing.   

Oh that we would want to serve others, and let them serve us - not sure which is harder, to be honest. 

 

Brother, let me be your servant.
Let me be as Christ to you.
Pray that I might have the grace
To let you be my servant, too.

We are pilgrims on a journey.
We are brothers on the road.
We are here to help each other
Walk the mile and bear the load.

I will hold the Christ-light for you
In the night-time of your fear.
I will hold my hand out to you;
Speak the peace you long to hear.

I will weep when you are weeping.
When you laugh, I’ll laugh with you.
I will share your joy and sorrow
Till we’ve seen this journey through.

When we sing to God in heaven,
We shall find such harmony
Born of all we’ve known together
Of Christ’s love and agony.

Brother, let me be your servant.
Let me be as Christ to you.
Pray that I might have the grace
To let you be my servant, too.

 

The Servant Song lyrics © Universal Music – Brentwood Benson Publ.

 

With ALL My MIGHT

I’m writing for Five Minute Friday and this week’s prompt word is MIGHT. 

In our Aussie vernacular, might often means may - I may do this or I may do that, meaning maybe I will and maybe I won’t.  

It’s rather non-committal, which is no way to live.

I’ve done that way too much in my life, out of apathy and fear. 

But lately, this verse has been jumping out at me.   (You know when you keep tripping up over a verse it’s time to take notice.) 

Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might; for there is no work or device or knowledge or wisdom in the grave where you are going.   Ecclesiastes 9:10

This verse speaks to me of doing things with might, with passion, wholeheartedly, purposefully, with commitment, while we can.  

The Lord showed me some interesting things in my quiet time this morning.  He often does.  

Yesterday, while in an op-shop (thrift store), I found a lovely red top, well made, my size and style, fairly simple, and the right colour to go with a couple of my pants and skirts.  

I’ve decided I like red.  It’s time for some colour, after years of wearing black, grey and navy.  

So what has that got to do with what the Lord showed me, or even with our prompt word? 

Heaps, as it turns out.   He reminded me of something He asked me to draw up in my journal a while back.  

He has been gradually speaking to me about gemstones and their biblical meaning and significance in my life. 

Rubies are red and they have great significance in Scripture and throughout history.   They represent wisdom, beauty, passion, boldness, sacrifice, love, and more.

Lately, He’s been talking to me about living fully, with passion, with boldness, with all my might.   

For me, rubies are a reminder that I need to live boldly, with passion and purpose, to shine with the wisdom and gifts He has given me, not to keep quiet or play small just to keep others happy, stop them from feeling insecure, or to stay in relationship with them.

I’ve done way too much of that in key relationships for my entire life. 

And I’ve kept things plain and boring and quiet for way too long.  I’ve ignored my passions and gifts and what lights my fire for way too long.  It’s time to be colourful and bold and passionate about those things that I’m good at.   It’s time to live my life with all my might, not half-heartedly, not quietly.  

That doesn’t mean I need to be obnoxious or deliberately provoke reactions in people.  Been there, done that, as a younger person, and it didn’t end well. 

But living a life that’s less than living with all your might is not honouring to Him.  Loving the Lord wholeheartedly looks like living the life He gave us to live.  

And you shall love the Lord your God with all your [mind and] heart and with your entire being and with all your might.  AMP C

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and mind and with all your soul and with all your strength [your entire being].   AMP

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.   ESV

Love God, your God, with your whole heart: love him with all that’s in you, love him with all you’ve got!   MSG

I’m not sure exactly what that looks like but I do know it’s time to stop holding back, just in case I upset someone with who I am.  It’s time to wear colour again, to sew creatively instead of just sewing to mend clothes, to play the guitar without feeling guilty, to read fiction without thinking it’s a waste of time, to write regularly, to build relationships with people that others might see as boring or in some way less-than, to share what I see, to talk about and write about my perspective because of my lived experience.    

Loving God with all our might means not holding back out of fear, out of guilt, out of judgement (from ourselves even).    We need to be all in and if that upsets someone, then so be it. 

We need to live a life that brings glory to Him, that exhibits His glory to others.  That can only happen to the degree that we live wholeheartedly, passionately, fully, and in an ever-deepening relationship as we know Him more fully.

Glory in His holy name;
Let the hearts of those rejoice who seek the Lord!
Seek the Lord and His strength;
Seek His face evermore!   Ps 105:3,4

And it’s not about living to gain glory for ourselves, but too often we play small out of some kind of fear of making it look like it’s about us.   It isn’t.   We each carry aspects of His divine nature and gifts, and we should live in such a way that those things are available to people.  

When we truly know His love and live from the position of being loved, not striving towards it, we can be filled with His fullness and give Him the glory. 

Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height - to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory….   Ephesians 3:17-21

 

He is worthy of a life fully lived, lived with all our might. 

 

You are worthy of it all
You are worthy of it all
For from You are all things
And to You are all things
You deserve the glory