SPARKS MIGHT FLY

When I saw the prompt word, SPARK, from Five Minute Friday, my mind immediately jumped to a song we used to sing when I was a teenager, one of the first I learned to play on the guitar. 

It only takes a spark

To get a fire going…………….     

I was tempted to write about how shared kindness can be a small spark in someone’s life that can grow into something warm and meaningful.  

But this morning, I woke up with a different train of thought and it’s relevant to something the Lord has dealt with me about over the last six months or so.

As iron sharpens iron,
So a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.  Prov 27:17

I’ve heard lots of theories about what this verse actually means, but this is what came to me this morning:   when iron sharpens iron, sparks might fly.

When we are in relationship, conflict is inevitable because we are going to disagree with someone eventually.    If we don’t, something is up.  

Even in marriage, where the two become one, they are still two people who bring different things to that relationship.  Male and female are inherently different, and how they live together harmoniously is something that boggles my mind.  But even there, they need to learn to work through differences of opinion and perspective and make changes and decisions together. 

As adults, we are NOT required to blindly go along with another adult.   Submission is not blind; neither is trust.  And they can’t be.    The only relationship, as adults, where blind trust and obedience is required of us is in our relationship with the Lord.   Children obey; adults submit and it must be informed, careful submission to be healthy.  

In every relationship, there will be times when we disagree.   We’re not required to agree with anyone 100% of the time.   No one has a monopoly on truth this side of heaven.   We all see things from our limited perspective and understanding, and we filter that through our lived experience. 

So, conflict is inevitable.   If we bury disagreement to avoid conflict, that isn’t a healthy relationship.  

Something I’ve realised a lot lately is that very few people know how to disagree with someone they care about in a healthy way.   So many of us have learnt to bury our own thoughts and perspective to keep the peace, avoid a strong reaction, avoid pain, avoid potential rejection or loss of relationship.  And we’ve had to because we had parents or other authority figures who were aggressive or even abusive if you disagreed with them or confronted them about something that was damaging.  

So, how do we disagree without causing harm?   Sparks will fly but how do we prevent a forest fire?   When we disagree with someone, and the decisions they’re making that affect us or those we care about, what is our response? 

From what I’ve seen in my life, and the lives of others, our response is hugely impacted by fear and driven by buried pain, and mental strongholds/lies.   Avoidance is definitely fear-driven.   Attack is also fear-driven, though it may not seem like it.  

That pain and buried emotion and the lies that drive them, are what can turn a small spark of friction into a raging fire that destroys connection and creates havoc, which is what the enemy loves.  

I’ve also seen people put up the walls and pretend everything is fine, or just walk away so they don’t have to feel that pain, or risk rejection.   

None of that is helpful in building and maintaining relationships or working through the issues to a real solution.

Of course, resolution requires both parties to listen and learn and want to sort it out.  If that’s not the case, then walking away is the only option, but it shouldn’t be the first.

Is there a healthier way?

Apparently there is, but it takes at least one person, preferably both, to be secure and mature enough to respond in a healthy way.   That’s what He has been teaching me and doing in me for most of this year.  It has not been a pleasant experience.

This year, I have come away from interactions with some people angry, hurt, confused, frustrated, offended, fed up and convinced they are 100% the problem.   But also, not able to speak to them in a healthy way about it.   It’s been very frustrating.  

So, I’ve pulled back, got quiet, stayed away, wrestled, ranted and raved to a few trusted friends, and tried to ignore the issues and just ‘be happy’.  It doesn’t work.   I just ended up in these negative loops, over and over and over again.   My mental health was suffering.   My physical health was suffering.

There was no resolution until I let Him deal with me and why I couldn’t work through relationship issues in a healthy way.   

Firstly, I needed to recognise that I was filtering what people were doing and not doing, saying and not saying, through old wounds.   That’s the truth of it.   Wounds from my childhood, from previous church relationships, from my dysfunctional marriage were all creating sparks.  That’s hard to accept when you’re busy being angry with the other person.   I’m currently working through the book, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, with a friend, and one of the main tenets of that book is that we have to stop ignoring our emotions or dismissing them as ‘bad’.   We have to own our emotions, and get honest about what we’re feeling, so we can deal with it properly and stop burying and re-burying the pain of past wounds every time we’re sparked by someone who has sharpened us in some way.  

So, I’ve been learning to do that.   Every time an interaction would make me angry or confused or even cynical, I would journal and say to the Lord, ‘What is my problem?!?!?’   And if I got quiet long enough, He would show me.   I did that for months.   It is not easy to let the Lord uncover the wounds that keep you sparking in relationships.    He has healed a lot and we’re not done, but I’m learning to run to Him with the pain instead of burying it or blaming.   My journal makes for rather interesting reading.  

Secondly, I had to face why I couldn’t disagree with someone in relationship or challenge behaviour that’s hurtful.

Back in July, we had a Healing Wounded Hearts day at our church, run by Peter and Katie Dunstan, who wrote the book of the same name.   Katie was asking us to have the Lord remind us of a time in the past that created a wound.   It wasn’t imagination, it wasn’t mystical, just real memories of real pain.   We had to write it down and ask the Lord why it bothered us.

I remembered back to a time when I was about 15, sitting on the front porch of our very old house, and writing a letter to my mother, who was inside, because I couldn’t talk to her, because of past aggression, physical and verbal.    So I pleaded with her, in the letter, could we just talk to each other so we could sort out why we weren’t getting along.   I can look back now and realise what else was going on for her (so much abuse and dysfunction and pain) but back then, I just wanted to sort out the conflict.   When she opened that letter, she absolutely did her block.    Tore it into little pieces, threw it around and came at me, again, ready to strike, held back only by remembering that Dad was around somewhere.  She was terrified of him.    I learnt that day that it wasn’t safe to bring up issues in a relationship in a rational conversation.  What I didn’t realise was how much that lie and stronghold would paralyse me for decades afterward.   Now I understood why bringing up an issue in a current relationship feels terrifying and pointless.   The Lord started the healing process on that day, and continued it for days afterward.

Thirdly, I had to recognise what kind of relationship I was in with the people that were causing sparks the most, and be grateful for what they could offer me in that, not constantly wanting more.   More would be nice, but everyone has their limits, for all sorts of reasons.   Something that victims of childhood abuse and neglect often do is expect perfect from the other person and get pretty mad when it’s not forthcoming.   Perfect isn’t possible this side of heaven.  Perfect is found only in Him, and we have to get good at going to Him for our needs first, otherwise we are going to be constantly hurt and disappointed.   We also need to recognise the kind of relationship we have with people and what we can reasonably expect.   We often want more than they are able to give, or even willing to give, or should have to give.  We have to be realistic about these things.   If they’re making promises and not keeping them, that needs sorting, but if it’s just because we’re asking them to fill a God-shaped hole, then the problem is ours.   When we have unhealed childhood wounds, no person can fill that hole or heal that wound and they honestly feel very drained if we’re expecting that from them.   We have to get honest with ourselves and with Him about our need, and get healed.   He’s more than ready to do that.  

There were other things that He showed me and dealt with but they can’t be shared in a blog post.  

Are there still problems – yes?   A lot of my pain was coming from old wounds, but some of it was actually because the other person was hurting me, albeit unintentionally.   Intentional or not, pain is real.    And I am praying about how and when to bring those issues up – gotta be God’s timing on that.   

But I am not doing loops in my head every day.  I am not constantly getting offended and fed up.   I am not constantly feeling raw and empty.    And when I do, I just go and ask Him what’s going on and ask Him to fill the holes.    I’m very grateful for the peace and the freedom in that.  

“God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”

Therefore, humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.   1 Peter 5:5-7

Trust in the Lord, and do good;
Dwell in the land, and feed on HIS faithfulness.
Delight yourself also in the Lord……………………   Ps 37:3,4

I am the Lord your God,
Who brought you out of the land of Egypt;
Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it.  Ps 81:10

 

Will we make room for the Lord to heal us and fill us?  

 

Here is where I lay it down
Every burden, every crown
This is my surrender
This is my surrender
Here is where I lay it down
Every lie and every doubt
This is my surrender

And I will make room for You
To do whatever You want to
To do whatever You want to
I will make room for You
To do whatever You want to
To do whatever You want to, oh

 

CAN WE LOOK BEYOND CHARLIE - TO HIM?

I'm writing for Five Minute Friday and this week's prompt word is AFFECTION.   

I’ve been mulling over the word affection all week and wondering which direction to take with it and not feeling particularly inspired by any of it, to be honest.

But then, this morning, I read this by Nate Johnston, which was part of a longer post that he has put up in response to Charlie Kirk’s death and amazing memorial service, which apparently reached over 100 million people. 

“Lastly, you can’t just go back to life as you knew it.  Your appetite has changed.  Your affections have changed.  You can clearly see what you shouldn’t be doing any more and what is pointless Christian activity.   Leave it behind.”

There’s so much being said about Charlie’s life and his words and that service, by those celebrating and those criticizing, and I’m going to refrain from joining or arguing the points they make.  But, there’s something about Charlie’s life and violent death being a turning point, for America, but beyond that, in our own lives.   Somehow, it has woken us up from our apathy, or it should have. 

What I have seen is a huge out-pouring of affection for Charlie Kirk, and his wife and family.  And rightly so.   Regardless of whether you agree with his views or not, he was an amazing man in many respects.   If you don’t think so, take the time to listen to longer versions of the snippets that his critics love to share.  

Much of what he said and the platforms he used to say it – mostly public debating and interviews – is reminiscent of what we see in the gospels and shown well in various scenes from The Chosen, where Jesus engaged with the public, in all their messiness, not hidden away in the synagogue amongst only the religious crowd. 

Charlie’s words and debates elicited similar responses to what Jesus’ words did – some lapped it up; some enjoyed the challenge of intellectual debate; some were curious enough to travel for miles to hear him; some celebrated; some were grateful to finally receive answers that made sense and could be applied to their real lives; some were openly hostile; some were secretly plotting to silence him.  

There was so much affection poured out for Charlie during the huge memorial service and in many other vigils around the country and indeed around the world.  

So, now, can we do the same for Jesus?  Please? 

Perhaps Charlie, inadvertently, by just being the best he could be, showed us something of Jesus’ intelligence, home-grown education, character, confidence, truth presented with grace, compassion, sacrificial living, humility, God-given purpose, a life of excellence, wholly submitted to the Father’s will.  

So, if we can admire and adore him, can we please now look beyond him to who Jesus was and still is?  

Can we turn our capacity for that much affection into affection for Jesus?   Can we commit ourselves to getting to know this Jesus better than we have to this point?   Can we take Charlie’s example and get more curious about Jesus, dive deeper into the gospels and the prophecies that pointed to Him, put aside those things that distract us (even the good things) and be all in, in our affections, not just in our work and service and passion for the gospel?  Can we be all about Him, not just the gospel?  Can we, like the early disciples, just follow Him, even when He doesn’t make sense?

In my 40+ years as a Christian, I have met many who are absolutely passionate about the gospel or their church doctrine, or their service for Him, and yet somehow have missed knowing Him.  I don’t believe Charlie did that, but I believe we could do that by focusing too much on Charlie or his message.  

During his memorial service, I heard many speeches and words from politicians, apologists, teachers, leaders, and worship leaders.  Some were passionate about Charlie.  Some were passionate about his message for America, and even about the gospel.   But some were passionate about Jesus.  Our first affections must be for Jesus Himself.  

And those affections need to go deeper.   But that can only happen if we are prepared to sacrifice what distracts us, and ask the Lord to show us what else is stealing our affections.  If we’ve been a Christian for any length of time, we should know that the enemy won’t distract us with ‘bad’ stuff but good stuff – serving, giving, working, trying harder.   

I’m reminded of the story of Mary and Martha which I know has been overused and taught about ad nauseum, but it teaches us that we have to get back to sitting at His feet, and doing what HE wants first.  He has to be our primary place of affection if anything else in our life is going to be in its rightful place and our service done for the right reason, and we don’t end up tired and resentful or even harmful in our passion.

We have to respond to His invitation to come, and be childlike in our admiration and adoration of Him and affection toward Him, so that it grows and becomes a wellspring of life – from Him, to Him, for Him.  

But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her.”  Luke 10:42

Lord, my heart is not haughty,
Nor my eyes lofty.
Neither do I concern myself with great matters,
Nor with things too profound for me.

Surely, I have calmed and quieted my soul,
Like a weaned child with his mother;
Like a weaned child is my soul within me.   Ps 131:1-2

Come to Me, all you who labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.    Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.    For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”   Matt 11:28-29 

But the water that I shall give him will become in him a fountain of water springing up into everlasting life.”   John 4:14

 

 

This song was sung so beautifully at Charlie’s memorial.

So I throw up my hands

And praise You again and again
'Cause all that I have is a hallelujah
Hallelujah
And I know it's not much
But I've nothing else fit for a King
Except for a heart singing hallelujah
Hallelujah

I've got one response
I've got just one move
With my arm stretched wide
I will worship You

LEGACY - A LASTING IMPACT

I’ve been wondering for days what to write about LEGACY, which was last week’s prompt word for Five Minute Friday.  I nearly didn’t.    Legacy is not something we talk about so much, but it’s important.   As Christians, we should aim to be people that leave a good legacy in the lives of others.   And it’s not a five-minute job (my blog posts rarely are).  

I started writing this before I heard about the death of Charlie Kirk.    He may not have lived as long as others, but he certainly left a strong legacy for his family, and young people of America, and many, many others, including people in other countries like mine.  

We all do leave a legacy, whether intentionally, or by default.  

This was AI’s take on the definition of legacy: 

A legacy is the lasting impact a person leaves on the world after they die, which can be tangible (like money or property) or intangible (like memories, values, wisdom, and influence). It encompasses everything a person's life has taught them, how they've made others feel, and the contributions they've made to causes or people that matter most to them.  

It was a helpful definition, but I think it’s possible to leave a legacy in someone’s life without actually dying.    I’ve been alive long enough to know that there are seasons where you live and work closely with people and then that season is over, but they left you a strong legacy.   They may have moved on, but you are forever changed because of their impact on your life. 

And you can look back and see what you learned from them, how you were shaped by them, for better or worse.   You can’t always see it at the time.   It’s good to look back and remember those who have had input into your life and to be grateful for the good, and for the hard. 

Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be still wiser; teach a righteous man, and he will increase in learning.  Prov 9:9

Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.  Prov 27:17

Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, dignity, and sound speech that cannot be condemned…………….   Titus 2:7

The Lord places people in our lives in different seasons for different reasons.  

Some are there to teach us, to mentor us, to model certain things for us.

Some are there to be a support network for us when we need it most.  

Some are there to challenge us, to simply be the iron that sharpens iron. 

Some are there to lead us down a certain path for a certain amount of time and then it’s time to go in different directions.     

Each of them leaves a legacy in your life that you can build on, or not. 

I believe some people are put in our lives to help us heal.  That is the legacy that the Lord has ordained and purposed for us to receive through them.        

That’s certainly the case for those currently in my life.  

I’ve spent several years now healing from the effects of abuse in various forms, in key relationships.   It’s been a long, arduous process that was much harder and deeper and more painful than I could have imagined, but very necessary, and I am in a much healthier place in every way.  

A few years back, the Lord showed me a very powerful picture that represented me.   It was a large, concrete building that had several storeys and lots of windows.   The first time He showed me, it was grey and the foundations were pretty shaky.   And the underground car park was a dark place, full of ‘dysfunction’. 

The next time He showed it to me, there was colour.   Each window was a different colour, and the building was near a shoreline and a town centre.   The building was much stronger and more accessible and had paths around it.  The foundations were being made strong, and the underground car park was flooded with light and life.   

That transition describes the healing journey I’ve been on.   I’m not completely healed.  Last year, I thought I was done, but I have spent most of this year becoming aware of and processing ‘triggers’ from previous relationships, as they get triggered by current ones.   That’s been rather painful and deep, and much of it done in the secret place, with Him.

Like my artwork, my healing is a work in progress.   I will be developing this artwork and seeing what the Lord wants to show me through it.   I think sometimes art that is a work in progress speaks more profoundly than something that is polished and finished.

We are always going to be a work in progress until we meet Him, so I need to stop wanting it to be done and be content to let Him do what He wants, how He wants it done.       

……being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.   Phil 1:6   

……… work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.  Phil 2:12-13

Today, I simply want to honour the legacy of my current pastors, Chris and Carolyn, who haven’t moved on and I hope they don’t any time soon.  This blog post has been burning in my spirit for the last few days, and I believe we need to say these kinds of things of people, and to people, when we have opportunity, not after they’ve moved on from this season of our lives.  

For healing to happen, I needed to have people around me who could see what the Lord wanted to do in me and for me, and to then be the people that I could learn to trust with my pain and my story.  And there have been quite a few people, some with significant input, and others with a smaller part to play.   I don’t want to try and name them all, because I’ll miss someone for sure.  

Because of Chris and Carolyn’s willingness to be available, to be people that I could learn to trust (that’s been a difficult journey in itself), to love me as is, to listen, to hold space for my tears, to be faithful prayer warriors, to be my spiritual covering, to be wise counsellors when tough decisions have to be made, and to be faithful leaders and teachers of our church family, I have healed.   They have made our church family a safe place for me to be and to stay and to grow, in connection with other believers who have become very dear to me.    I came into this church very broken and very wary, ready to run and hide, and I have wanted to several times.  Without their covering and their faithfulness, I would have run for sure. 

The Lord has been about building strength into that ‘building’, reworking the foundations, fixing what was broken, solidifying what was right.    When the Lord showed me the colour version of the building, I saw an animation, if you like, of Chris and Carolyn planting pink flowers around the sides of the building.  Pink often signifies healing.   I had no idea at the time that they would be my pastors (Carolyn was my unofficial counsellor at the time).  I didn’t realise what part they would go on to play in my healing journey over the next few years.   I thought that the planting of pink flowers would be a quick process but it hasn’t been.   It’s taken hours and days and weeks and years of good pastoring. 

Their legacy in my life, in our lives, is huge.   They have impacted my youngest two daughters as well, in different ways.   And it will indirectly impact my other daughters and their families as time goes on, because hurting people hurt people, but healed people help others heal.  

I know they’re tired and they probably wonder if they’re doing any good, but I can see growth in many of the people in our church.  Like growth in children, it’s often incremental, hard to see and hard to measure, but it’s there.   People who have been hurt elsewhere are healing.   People who have needed to hear some hard truths are hearing them, presented with truth and grace.   People who have just needed to be seen are being seen.  People who need to grow in their gifts are being encouraged.  People who are looking for a safe place to find family are finding it because of their leadership.

Is it perfect?  No, it isn’t, because there is no perfect church this side of heaven.    The more we look for perfect, the more frustrated we will become.   Perfect is found in God alone, and when we start there, making Him our portion, our first port of call, our ‘enough’, we can appreciate what others are able to do for us.   

And now, I can actually be someone that can help others, because of their modelling, because of their support, because they have poured into me.   Recently, Chris saw a picture of a well, and that I was drawing water out of this well for women - life-giving water, each scoop a different colour according to the need of the woman in front of me, because of what God has done in me and taught me, because of my lived experience.   That takes me back to the building with different-coloured windows.  I knew at the time that each colour signified a different need in people and that the light of Jesus was going to shine through and be what that person needed at the time.   I can’t meet all needs, but I sure would like to help those God puts in front of me, and I can do that now, in large part because of the legacy they have given me.

One of the key verses He gave me through this whole process was this one.

But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.   1 Pet 5:10

The Lord has done exactly that, because of the support provided by Chris and Carolyn.    While the Lord is building strength into us, and establishing us, and settling us, we need others to be our support networks, like the scaffolding around a building.   That is their legacy, not just in my life, but in the lives of others I do life with, and I’m incredibly grateful. 

And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.   Heb 10:24-25

Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.  Matt 5:16

 

I was looking for a song based on 1 Peter 5:10 and I found this gem.  

 

I’ve walked through fire

Felt the weight of the night

But You never let go,

You held me through the fight

Every tear, every trial

Was shaping something new

Your grace was the anchor

That carried me through

After the storm, You restore

Make me strong forevermore

You call me to glory,

You lift me again

By the power of Christ

I stand in the end

Firm and unshaken, faithful and true –

You are the God who sees me through