THE WEIGHT OF GUILT

I'm writing for Five Minute Friday and this week's prompt word is WEIGHT.  

Sometimes you don't realise the weight of something you've been carrying until it's gone.   And  you realise how free you are without it, and that you were never meant to carry it.  

Feel it yes.  Know it, yes.  Recognise it, yes.  But not carry it.

Guilt is a heavy weight to carry.  

We are meant to feel guilt, to recognise that we are guilty when we've sinned, and to confess it and receive forgiveness and mercy to move forward.    That must be our response.   

For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin.  Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.  Heb 4:15,16

We were never meant to carry the weight of that guilt for any length of time.

We often carry the weight of guilt because we think that's what He wants.  He doesn't.  He sent His Son to carry it for us, and finish it.   

But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our guilt and iniquities; the chastisement [needful to obtain] peace and well-being for us was upon Him, and with the stripes [that wounded] Him we are healed and made whole.   Isa 53:5

We often carry the weight of guilt because it makes us feel like some kind of hero so others don't have to carry it.   

Perhaps we carry the weight of guilt because we've been trained to by the significant people in our lives so they don't have to face their own guilt.  

Perhaps we carry the weight of guilt because our belief system says we should or our spiritual leaders have taught us to.   

Recently, the Lord showed me a picture that is making more and more sense as the weeks go on.   

I saw a mud pit, like the ones you see in obstacle courses for military training.   

I saw myself trying to plough through this mud pit but I was stuck - and tired and feeling hopeless. 

It's been weeks of being hit by one trigger after another, and being overwhelmed and drowning in the pain of that.   

It has felt quite endless to be honest.   

But the Lord showed me that the mud pit is filled with guilt - guilt thrown at me, and guilt taken on by me.  

Like mud, guilt sticks and doesn't easily come off.   Like mud, guilt carries weight.   

https://pixabay.com/illustrations/mud-nature-sky-clouds-landscape-8342226/

What to do?     I was trying to sort through the mud, to get some clarity.    That wasn't the answer.   

I decided to just reach out and ask for help.   I don't do that easily.  I like to sort it out myself before I ask for help.   I'm learning.   

I sat with my pastors the other day and we were talking through the latest lot of mud thrown at me - accusations and thoughts from a loved one. 

My lady pastor said something to me that was profound and she thought 'mean' but it wasn't.  It was quite liberating.    It was pointing out the guilt of past failure but not with any condemnation at all, merely recognition of a lack of capacity at the time, and now able to do better.  When we know better, we do better.    When we know Him better, we have His ability to do better.   

The way she handled that meant that I do not have to carry the weight of that failure any longer.    When we acknowledge the filth of the mud, we can then bring it to the only One who can clean us up.  

I can acknowledge it, and I did, but I can move forward with Him, and await His redemptive power in the situation.  

I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist.

Return to me, for I have redeemed you.”  Isa 44:22

He is our Redeemer.  He longs to redeem any situation but we get so stuck under the weight of past failures and guilt that we don't go to Him for that redemption.  

The guilt is real.  We shouldn't gloss over it.   Too many of us do that with people we're trying to help, but it's not helpful.   Because then we either keep doing something harmful, or we get stuck in guilt because we know in our inner being that we are guilty.   And then we carry the weight of that guilt and can't move forward.  

So, moving forward again.  Without the weight of that long-term guilt, I can see much more clearly the truth of the situation.  Not entirely.    But clarity is slowing coming.  

It's not my job to wade through the mud to try and figure out which bits are justified and what should be carried.   I need not carry any of that weight.    He's already carried it.   

And having been freed from it, I hope to more easily and quickly recognise when that weight starts to come back on, and run straight to His throne.  

Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage.    Gal 5:1

Hear the shackles breaking free

Hear the song of the redeemed

He is moving, He is moving

He's alive, oh

So take this freedom, take this love

Can you feel it rising up?

He is here, He is here

He's alive, oh-oh

He lives

All honour and power are His

All glory forever, amen

Jesus lives

OUR STORIES MATTER

I'm writing for Five Minute Friday and this week's prompt word is MATTER. 

I spent several hours fiddling with a blog post for last week's prompt word, PRESERVE.   I didn't get it done till today because, well, it's been quite a week.  

I've been telling myself for months to keep quiet about a particular topic, that it doesn't matter, that my perspective on that topic doesn't matter, to just bury it. 

But it does matter.  Lived experience matters.  Our perspective, our story, our insight - it all matters.  

You can read the other blog post here, now that it's published.   It wasn't a five minute job and it took a lot of thought and wrestling to get it down.  

This week, I've had more than one prompt and reminder from the Lord to not remain silent, that my story matters.

So many times I've been silenced by people, mostly Christians, for lots of reasons, and I've silenced myself, to keep the peace, to prevent the fallout, or to keep the trauma buried.  

Psalm 107:2 says, 'Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, whom He has redeemed from the hand of the enemy'.

In another version it says, 'let the redeemed of the Lord tell their story'.  

How can we talk of the redemption God brings if we can't share the details of the story itself?

Even if our story makes others uncomfortable, or challenges long-held and well-guarded ideals, it matters.    Telling our story helps us, and others, to see the hand of God, in the past and the present.  

But, how, why, when and to whom we share our story also matters.  

How - we need to be careful how we share.    We need to share with wisdom and grace, but also authentically, not pretending it's fine when it isn't. 

But in your hearts set Christ apart [as holy—acknowledging Him, giving Him first place in your lives] as Lord. Always be ready to give a [logical] defense to anyone who asks you to account for the hope and confident assurance [elicited by faith] that is within you, yet [do it] with gentleness and respect.   1 Pet 3:15

Why - we need to share it to give Him credit for what He's doing and done, and to remind ourselves of His ongoing faithfulness and power.   Sharing it to justify unforgiveness or bad behaviour, to maintain victim status, or to get attention or to prove a point isn't wise or loving.  

Come and hear, all you who fear God, and I will declare what He has done for my soul.   Ps 66:16

When - there is a time to share and a time to be quiet.  It's not always appropriate to share the details, because of the hearers, because of the context, because of the state of our hearts.    Ecclesiastes 3:7 says there is 'a time to keep silence, and a time to speak'.

To whom - Matthew 6:6-7 tells us not to cast our pearls before swine.   Often, we try and convince the wrong people to validate our pain.   Some of them honestly can't see it, or don't want to.   Some of them can only see through black and white lenses; others only want to fix it.   Sharing with the wrong people only adds to the pain and confusion.

But, even with all that in mind, it matters that we share our stories, our perspectives, our snippets of God's working and His redemptive power in our lives.  

It might be that what we share gives someone hope to hang onto, a nugget of truth to replace a lie, a comfort when they're struggling in an area, a light at the end of the tunnel.    A small thing shared at the right time can make a huge difference in someone's life.   Like the boy who shared his fish and loaves, we need to know that in His hands, small things matter, when shared at the right time.

An example of that this week was this beautiful bunch of roses, given to me yesterday by a friend who was responding to the Lord's prompt.    It was an answer to a prayer I've been praying lately, and meant so much more than just the flowers.  Her company was just as precious and reminded me that God sees, that my prayers matter.  

For your Father knows the things you have need of before you ask Him.   Matt 6:8

All of the dreams that haven't come true

And all of the hurt that happened to you

It matters, I hope you know it matters

You felt the pain of a bitter defeat

Where the weight of the grief

Is more bitter than sweet

It matters, I'm telling you it matters

To the One who spoke and set the sun ablaze

To the One who stopped the storm and walked the waves

To the One who took the tree so He could say

You matter, I hope you know you matter (matter, matter)

WILL WE PRESERVE, OR WILL WE LET HIM?

It's with some hesitancy that I write this blog post for Five Minute Friday, on the prompt word, PRESERVE.  But I am fuelled somewhat by anger and frustration.   

There is so much that could be written, or not, but in the light of yet another conversation with a woman in a long-term abusive marriage to a 'Christian' man, I'm resisting the urge to be quiet.    It would be easier.  It has been easier.   I have refrained from writing about the bleeding obvious, but it's time I used my writing voice to say what needs saying.    Perhaps it will help someone in a similar situation, or help someone who is hearing it to be more compassionate and to listen before giving black and white answers.   

So many, many Christians, when hearing a desperate plea for help or for prayer from an abused and confused wife (or husband), will tell you things like, 'pray harder, fast, love more, give more, do more, try harder, have more s**, be more available, be more humble, don't point fingers (you're a sinner too), keep forgiving (seventy times seven), deal with your own sin, it's your responsibility to fix it, etc, etc, etc.   These pat answers merely add to the burden of guilt, shame, fear and lies that abused partners already live under.   So many times, Christians don't recognise abuse or want to call it that.

I've had all of those things said to me,  by Christian counsellors and others, and seen it carelessly written so many times on social media pages.   And it makes me angry.   And honestly, sometimes anger is the correct response, if we use it wisely.      The more I have understood my own situation, and heard the stories of many others, the more I realise that anger about abuse is actually a godly response.

Actually, I've been surprised, again and again, at what the Lord has shown me from His Word about how He feels about oppression and verbal violence and abuse.   It's not been me trying to convince Him that it's bad, but rather Him showing me what was wrong and how much damage it's done and why He asked me to get out.  

Be merciful to me, O God, for man would swallow me up;  fighting all day he oppresses me.  Ps 56:1

All day they twist my words; all their thoughts are against me for evil.   Ps 56:5

The words of his mouth are wickedness and deceit; he has ceased to be wise and to do good.  Ps 36:3

Let not the foot of pride come against me, and let not the hand of the wicked drive me away.   Ps 36:11

Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.   Col 3:19

There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.    Prov 12:18

A man of wrath stirs up strife, and one given to anger causes much transgression.    Prov 29:22

A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.  Prov 15:4

A man's spirit will endure sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?   Prov 18:14

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.   Eph 4:29

And He continues to show me, even as I deal with triggers moving forward, how to reframe my thinking - thinking that has been damaged by being in the place of coercion, dysfunction, fear, and under an atmosphere of rejection and judgement that I lived with for years, decades actually.  

What has all of that to do with the prompt word, preserve?   I have found that too many Christians are more concerned with preserving a 'marriage' than they are about preserving the welfare of those in that 'marriage'.    I have been one of those Christians in the past.

I put the word 'marriage' inside apostrophes, because many Christian women, and some men, are not living in Biblical marriages but rather very dysfunctional, controlling relationships that are damaging in the most obscure and hard-to-define ways.   And while those things are hard for others to see and define, the Lord sees.  He is El Roi, the God who sees.    (Gen 16:13)

Oftentimes, though, as Christians we don't see what He sees and we work so hard to preserve something that we think we must protect, like the institution of marriage, and we ignore the needs of those within that institution.    How many times have Christians tried to protect 'marriage' because it's a Biblical principle, while at the same time, not truly understanding what the Lord meant by it?  How many times have Christians collectively tried to preserve the reputation of the church instead of listening to those who've been abused by members of it?   In Jesus' day, many of the religious leaders tried desperately to preserve their current system, and missed completely the One they were apparently waiting for.   They didn't know the Father and they didn't recognise His Son when He was standing in front of them.   They were quite happy for one man to die to preserve that system.

Then the chief priests and the Pharisees gathered a council and said, “What shall we do? For this Man works many signs.     If we let Him alone like this, everyone will believe in Him, and the Romans will come and take away both our place and nation.”  And one of them, Caiaphas, being high priest that year, said to them, “You know nothing at all,  nor do you consider that it is expedient for us that one man should die for the people, and not that the whole nation should perish.”   John 11:47-50

Have we done the same today because of our misunderstanding of what marriage is?  

Marriage is supposed to be two people, equal in value and status, loving and honouring each other, both mere mortals, equally sinful, equally in need of correction and equally in need of being served and loved and cherished. 

When two sinful people love the Lord and each other wholeheartedly, then the marriage is truly preserved and so are the people in it.   It becomes the place where both people can grow and flourish and be that reflection of Christ and His church that it's meant to be.    

Yesterday, I had a conversation with someone who said that marriage is 50/50 but it truly isn't.   Both partners have to be all in,100% each, because if we don't, then someone is carrying more than 100% of the load and that's damaging and unsustainable.

What is the answer when we hear of someone who's struggling in marriage?   The answer is to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry (about someone challenging our systems and beliefs).   

So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.   James 1:19

https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/tiny-people-repairing-vulnerable-broken-heart-heart-sensitive-person-breaking-after-failure-relationship-flat-vector-illustration-love-emotions-concept-banner-landing-web-page_23548212.htm#fromView=search&page=1&position=0&uuid=e53a05b4-e702-44b2-9373-99436e5c48bb

Will we let Him challenge our status quo, our understanding, our pre-conceived and well-guarded ideas and ideals so we can see what is under our nose?   Or will we stubbornly and arrogantly preserve those systems, structures, ideals, and secrets, even in the face of the suffering of those we could be helping? 

Will we let people share their reality, their truthful version of how it really is and listen without being defensive of 'marriage' or some other system?   Truth and mercy are the only way forward in any situation.   May we be people who want to hear the truth, however confronting and messy it is.    May we be people who give someone a safe place to share what's going on behind closed doors.   

He shall abide before God forever. Oh, prepare mercy and truth, which may preserve him!   Ps 61:7

Lie number one you're supposed to have it all together

And when they ask how you're doing

Just smile and tell them, "Never better"

Lie number 2 everybody's life is perfect except yours

So keep your messes and your wounds

And your secrets safe with you behind closed doors

Truth be told

The truth is rarely told, now

I say I'm fine, yeah I'm fine oh I'm fine, hey I'm fine but I'm not

I'm broken

And when it's out of control I say it's under control but it's not

And you know it

I don't know why it's so hard to admit it

When being honest is the only way to fix it

There's no failure, no fall

There's no sin you don't already know

So let the truth be told

I'LL JUST BE QUIET

I am writing for Five Minute Friday and this week's prompt word is SCENE.  

This is the scene that meets me most days, usually in the early morning before too many people are up and about.    

Even on a freezing cold morning, I am here.  

Sometimes, this scene is lit up by the morning sun, or the setting sun.  

 

It's one of my favourite places to be.  

Sometimes, I gather sticks at this scene, to start our fire.

Sometimes, I just walk, listening to worship songs.

Sometimes, I walk fast, kick stones and cry.   

Sometimes, this scene soothes my troubled soul.   There's apparently something about water that soothes the soul and helps us to recalibrate.   Perhaps it's because water reminds us that He is bigger, bigger even than the river.    Perhaps it's because He desires to lead us beside quiet waters.  

He's more powerful than its power.   But He's also calmer than the churning water.   

There's something about His power and the sound of running water that brings calm.     

It helps me get quiet.   

I was back at this scene yesterday, once again battle weary, kicking stones in frustration, frustration with myself mostly.   

I was battle weary, am battle weary.   The enemy has been hammering me lately, once again trying to shut me down, shut me up, keep my mind and emotions in chaos.

I had a dream the night before, a nightmare really, that took me back to a familiar scene, one that was played out many, many times, in past seasons, for different reasons, but always with the same effect - to keep me quiet, shut down, passive, weak, submissive to things not godly.

Turns out that the fear of retribution, punishment, repercussion was behind the chaos.   Sadly, fear is often rooted in real experience, previous trauma, often repeated trauma, so it gets a decent foothold and tends to take over or pop up when you least expect it.   And the enemy knows how to push buttons, stir up a storm, this time with the drama of a lost key.   It all took me to a very dark place that was hard to crawl out of.   

So, I came back to this scene to find solace, and talk to a trusted mentor and friend.   She was able to discern what was behind the chaos, and how to move forward.   

It's time to trust what I'm hearing from Him, even if it doesn't align with what I've been told and trained to believe, even what I've told myself about myself - for years.    

And it's time to stand up for what's right, to do what's right, to do it afraid, if necessary.   

It's time to stand my ground, to believe what He says, and let Him fight the battles that ensue when I stand my ground.  

So, while the battle rages around me and often within me, I will come back to this scene often and get quiet with Him, and remember who He is - even the winds and the waves obey Him!! 

But as they sailed He fell asleep. And a windstorm came down on the lake, and they were filling with water, and were in jeopardy.    And they came to Him and awoke Him, saying, “Master, Master, we are perishing!”

Then He arose and rebuked the wind and the raging of the water. And they ceased, and there was a calm.     But He said to them, “Where is your faith?”

And they were afraid, and marvelled, saying to one another, “Who can this be? For He commands even the winds and water, and they obey Him!”  Luke 8:23-25   

Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul,

Like a weaned child with his mother;

Like a weaned child is my soul within me.  Psalm 131:2

Here, we go again my mind, racing

And I can't seem to win

All these crazy thoughts and feelings

It's like it never ends

Until Your voice, breaks through my noise

I know I'm not alone, I'm not alone

You will fight my battles, if I will just be still

Why would I keep running, when You're right here?

I'll just be quiet

Let You speak through the silence

Here I am, no more hiding

You are, in this moment, I won't fight it

I'll be quiet

Away with the distractions

I wanna hear what's true

The only words that matter

They come from You

I WILL MAKE ROOM FOR HIS TRUTH

When you're a strong person, like this tree, people tend to look to you, look at you, when something isn't right, when things fall apart.

And sometimes they make up a narrative to explain the why and the how of it.  

And sometimes, like this tree, you stand there and take that because you think you should.  

And you lose your leaves and your colour and your health because you've accepted for too long the sole responsibility that wasn't meant for your shoulders alone.   In an attempt to love people and make their lives easier, you've accepted their loads.  

But let each one examine his own work, and then he will have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another.  For each one shall bear his own load.   Gal 6:4,5

This tree is painted blue as part of the Blue Tree Project in Australia to help people acknowledge their mental health problems, like depression and anxiety, and to help others understand and help them.    These trees are dotted all over the country and often carry small signs to point people to support networks.   

But I do wonder how many of us, who are depressed and anxious, are carrying shame and guilt that's not ours to carry, but handed to us, thrown at us, spoken over us, because somebody else didn't want to, or doesn't want to, accept their responsibility.  

God wants to make for each one of us a yoke of responsibility to carry that fits us perfectly - not one that pulls us down or wears us out.    It's not ours to carry alone because He wants to carry it with us.  But it is ours to carry and  He waits for us to surrender to His yoke for us.  

Come to Me, all you who labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.   

Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.   

For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.   Matt 11:28-30

But I suspect we let other people make yokes for us so their burdens are lighter.   Or add bits to our yokes to make their yoke more comfortable and less challenging.  

God has a yoke for each one of us to carry that His grace enables us to carry, as we walk in step with Him.  

It is not our job to make yokes for others, nor to make their load heavier by adding our blame, shame and guilt when things are obviously broken.  

He has shone His light on some lies and shadows in my thinking this week, and I have discovered that the yoke He made for me is not the one I've been carrying.    And things are finally starting to make sense.  

This morning, as I've walked along the edge of the river, He has shone His light into the shadows and dispelled the lies and half truths that have been weighing me down.

So I will make room for His truth, because that sets me free to do only what He requires of me.  Nothing more, nothing less.   That is my required worship.  Everything else is wood, hay and stubble.

God has spoken once, 

twice I have heard this: 

That power belongs to God.  

Also to You, O Lord, belongs mercy.    

For You render to each one according to his work.    Psalm 62:11,12

And as I make room for His truth, I will thrive instead of looking like this tree, that is planted by the river, but not doing well.  

For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, which spreads out its roots by the river, and will not fear when heat comes;

but its leaf will be green 

and will not be anxious in the year of drought, 

nor will cease from yielding fruit.    Jer 17:8

Here is where I lay it down

Every burden, every crown
This is my surrender this is my surrender
Here is where I lay it down
Every lie and every doubt
This is my surrender

… And I will make room for You
To do whatever You want to
To do whatever You want to
And I will make room for You
To do whatever You want to
To do whatever You want to, oh

OUR CURRENT CAPACITY IS LIMITED BY PREVIOUS 'FAILURES'

I'm writing for Five Minute Friday today and this week's prompt word is CAPACITY.  

I didn't think I'd be able to get to it (it's been a rough week) but I figured I'd better because the word CAPACITY was my suggestion.  (Thanks Kate).  

Lately the Lord has been dealing with me about my failures - as a mum.  He's not been doing that the way I think He should - with a whip and condemnation.  

He's been doing that with mercy and truth - His hallmarks. 

And of His fullness we have all received, and grace for grace.  For the law was given through Moses, but grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.  John 1:16-17

He's been showing me some stuff I'd rather not see and know.   Not my perspective and not theirs.   His perspective - that's truth.   

But He's been pouring His mercy on that revealed truth and letting it run into all the nooks and crannies of failure and pain.   

Being a mum is mostly about capacity - your capacity to meet the needs of this little bundle of joy, as they grow and develop and change in their needs.    It's exhausting on many levels and it exposes our lack of capacity in ways that we never knew existed. It can be frightening and overwhelming and when it is, we can dig deeper into our own limited capacity, lean on someone else, or we can run to Him.

Your capacity as a mum to love, nurture, give, serve, teach, train, and even forgive is often limited by the mothering you received.  That can be a copout, a place for self-pity, or it can be a starting place for change.    

It can be the starting place for recognising that you need something, someone beyond yourself to flow through you to this person who is looking to you for their every need - constantly.  

That's our ongoing choice in the trenches of mothering - to draw on His endless capacity.  We don't always hear it that way or allow ourselves to believe it but it's true.  He is waiting for us, to renew our strength and expand our capacity to meet their ongoing and changing needs.  

He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength.

Even the youths shall faint and be weary,

and the young men shall utterly fall,

But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength;

They shall mount up with wings like eagles,

They shall run and not be weary,

They shall walk and not faint.  Isa 40:29-31

To mother well, we need strength and wisdom and understanding and confidence and support and so much more.   

We need to learn to lean.   We need to recognise our own incapacity, our limits, and call on Him.  

When we don't, we stay dry and drained and our children suffer and so do we.  

Often when our capacity to love and keep loving is limited because of trauma - past and present - there tends to be pain and plenty of it, for the child and the mother.   He is currently taking me backwards through those doorways of pain - to heal and set free.

Even as an adult, I have come to understand how much pain you can suffer when someone who was standing in the gap for you, as a mother, stops doing that (for their own reasons), and you're left drowning, floundering, empty, confused, lost, and angry.

How much more so for a child.   But God can heal and restore and mend if we let Him.   

If we let Him.   

I said to someone recently that forgiveness is divine.   We can't do it in our own strength or capacity, especially when there's much to forgive.   It has to come from Him and then through us and keep coming, like the water in a river.  

I believe mothering needs to be divine.  Our God designed motherhood and He is our model and our source.    Like a river, our source needs to be beyond ourselves or we become very dry indeed.

We can't do it well in our own strength.  I know because I've tried -  and my girls have all suffered as a result, and so have I.   I tried to be the strong mum without actually tapping into His capacity.   

Our capacity is limited by many things,  and just by being human, even if we had an amazing mum.   

What to do?   

Come to the One whose capacity is endless and unfailing and always ready to restore and renew and refresh.   

How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God!

Therefore the children of men put their trust under the shadow of Your wings.

They are abundantly satisfied with the fullness of Your house,

And You give them drink from the river of Your pleasures.

For with You is the fountain of life;

In Your light we see light.   Psalm 36:7-9

His mercies really are new every morning and we need them every morning.  

Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not.

They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.

“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I hope in Him!”   Lam 3:22-24

We need to come to Him with our failures and regrets and resentments and pride and unforgiveness and whatever else we've buried and carried, some of us for decades. 

Our current capacity remains limited until we do.  

This river is not usually running this fast.      But it can hold considerably more water than it currently is.  It is a source of life for many farms downstream.    

We need to bring our incapacity to Him and let Him send fresh water down our rivers.  

Will we bring our failures as a mum, whether we've been at it for months, years or decades, and let Him heal our hearts and our capacity?  

What He's shown me this morning is that our current capacity is limited by our previous failures - real and perceived.

Our real failures need to be brought to Him so He can heal, renew, redeem, mend, restore.

Our perceived failures need to be left at the foot of the cross, and not picked up or received again, even if someone tries to pin them on us.  

Mercy and truth are ours, if we will bring all our 'failures' to Him.   

Mercy and truth have met together;

Righteousness and peace have kissed.

Truth shall spring out of the earth,

And righteousness shall look down from heaven.

Yes, the Lord will give what is good;

And our land will yield its increase (in capacity)

Righteousness will go before Him,

And shall make His footsteps our pathway.  Psalm 85:10-13

This is one of my favourite songs.  I think I've shared it before.  Often, when I don't know what to do or how to change something, I will remind myself that He is all I need.   

El Roi, the God Who Sees

You are My Banner, Jehovah-Nissi

The All Sufficient One, El Shaddai

Jehovah-Jireh, You Will Provide

Rapha, the Lord Who Heals

Shalom, you are my Peace

The Lord of Hosts, Jehovah-Sabaoth

El Olam, the Everlasting God

Worthy is Your Name; Worthy of all my praise

Worthy is Your Name; Worthy of all my praise

SPECIFIC BLIND SPOTS

It's time to write for Five Minute Friday and this week's prompt word is SPECIFIC.

It's Saturday morning here and I'm sitting by the river, as I often do on a Saturday morning.  

The Lord has been talking to me about blind spots this morning.  

Most vehicles have blind spots that can cause you to not see who's coming, especially when turning or merging.  

Those blind spots are part of the structure of the vehicle, built into it, not for the purpose of being a blind spot, but as part of the necessary framework of that vehicle.  

It can be dangerous to ignore them.  I've learnt that I need to check my blind spots every single time  I'm driving.  

We have to be intentional about checking them so we don't hurt someone or ourselves.

He said to me this morning, "Are you game to ask Me what your blind spots are?"

Ouch!!

We all have specific blind spots, built into us, for various reasons.    They're part of the framework of who we are - personality, training, belief systems, trauma responses, protection mechanisms, etc.  They are specific to us but not always helpful or necessary.   Sometimes the framework needs reshaping.

I'm currently trying to get my head in a better place about a hurtful situation that has been brewing for a while, but triggered this week by a crisis.

I can see their faults and how it's impacting people, and have a few choice things I'd like to say.   That won't be helpful.   It's not godly wisdom to let rip, as much as that might make me feel better in the moment.

But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy.     Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.   James 3:17,18

Instead, He wants to deal with MY specific blind spots.   Ouch!! 

Do they have specific blind spots?  Absolutely - and it's causing them to damage people. 

But throwing rocks at their blind spots is not going to change anything for the better - probably just reinforce them.    It's like throwing rocks at the walls of Jericho.  Been there,  done that. 

So, back to my specific blind spots.   

I can't actually see them.   They are my normal.    They are a part of my framework.  

But He can see them - each specific aspect of them, including how they got there.   

Do I want to know?  Nope 

Do I need to know?   Yep - if I want to keep growing and if I want relationships to heal and improve.  

Isn't that what we want? 

Or do we 'need' to be right?  

I've learnt that needing to be right comes at a high cost. 

I guess it's a personal, specific choice to obey Him by staying on the altar of transformation.    It's part of allowing Him to be my Redeemer, to redeem the messes and restore shalom.   

.......    though He was a Son, yet He learned obedience by the things which He suffered.   Hebrews 5:8

I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service.     And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.  Romans 12:1,2

I don't like altars.  Oh I don't mind sacrificing at the altar (the stuff I'm comfortable sacrificing), but I don't like being the sacrifice, being purified and challenged and shaped.  

He will sit as a refiner and a purifier of silver; He will purify the sons of Levi, and purge them as gold and silver, that they may offer to the Lord An offering in righteousness.   Mal 3:3

So, permission given, Lord, to show me my specific blind spots.  Here we go - yet again.

Stay tuned for the next exciting (not) adventure in Kath's healing journey!  

Into your likeness You transform me

Making me holy, like You're holy

No longer I who live, but Christ Who lives in me 

Now my heart cries "THIS is my Redeemer" 

With my whole life I will give You praise

All the glory to the One Who's worthy

Because of Jesus, I have been changed