A HOLY SHAKING

On the very first day of this year, the girls and I went out to this river, about 10km from where we live.

We went out several more times over the course of the week.

To start with, the river was just meandering along, over the rocks, powerfully, yet quietly.  

We were able to splash around in the stream off to the side.   It was a very warm week and we appreciated being able to just sit where it was cool and paddle around up to our knees or even higher.   

It was safe and cool and just a lot fun.   I took lots of photos.  

But, the main part of the river scared me, especially as it gained momentum over the coming days.    I was anxious that the girls didn't fall in, because it was too strong for me if they needed rescuing.     I was alone with them and they didn't know the dangers.   

I was in awe of the water, mesmerised by its power, the flow of it - unpredictable, uncontainable, not set in a straight line, but just carving out its own space as it flowed down from the hills to lower ground.   Branches that were merely touched by the water early in the week were eventually being washed downstream.  Even rocks were being upended.   

There was something that the Lord was trying to show me.   I didn't know then what it was, but I put this photo up as my desktop.   

I was led to Psalm 62, and these verses jumped out.

Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from Him.    Truly He is my rock and my salvation; 

He is my fortress, I shall not be shaken.   

My salvation and my honour depend on God; 

He is my mighty rock, my refuge.   

Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge.  

Ps 62:5-8

What are you saying, Lord?   

All through these months, I've been asking that question.  Actually, sometimes I haven't asked because I haven't wanted to know.    

At night, when closing down my computer, I see the same river, and those verses.   

I had this sense of major upheaval, something out of my control.  

It wasn't a 'be strong and courageous' warning that I've had before.  

This was different, but just as unnerving.   

'He is my fortress, I shall not be shaken.'     More shaking?  Really?  

What on earth is coming down?   Has there not been enough shaking over the last few years?  

I just want some peace and rest, Lord.  

I have just sat with it and left it with Him.   I knew He'd show me in His time.   

That river is even more powerful now with so much rain for the year.   Our fun little side stream is non-existent, swallowed up by the endless water coming down.  There is nowhere safe to just play now.  You can only stand and watch from much higher up.   

And the river of God washing through my heart has been just as powerful this year.   This holy and unsettling  flow has carved its way into the depths and the corners and the hidden places of my heart, relentlessly and powerfully flowing, to lower ground.   

And I am left shaken to the core, things stripped away, things washed clean, long-held mindsets tumbled by the sheer truth and power and grace of God.  And there's peace and rest that I've never known before.   

One thing God has spoken, two things I have heard: 'Power belongs to you, God, and with you, Lord, is unfailing love’; and, ‘You reward everyone according to what they have done.’ Ps 62:11-12

This tearing is so painful and making it really hard to function in the day-to-dayness of life.    And yet it is creating so much beauty.    Beauty for the ashes I was holding onto, the ashes that were part of the very fabric of who I was.    

And that's it, isn't it?   We can have as much of Him as we want.    I've wanted more, been drawn to more, but my goodness, at what cost.    It's a tearing, a breaking like I've never known before, or been prepared to allow.    

But what's left is solid ground and a beauty that I've never known - and that is absolutely worth the process and the pain.  

What's left is Him - my Rock, my Salvation, my Fortress, my Refuge.   

Once again, a song.   Songs are such an easy way to pour out our hearts to Him, aren't they? 

Jesus, take the beauty from the pain

Jesus, lift these weary hands again

Turn the silence into songs of praise

Jesus, I'm leaning on Your name, oh-

I'm leaning on You.................

Jesus, I will trust You even then

So, back I go to that same river.   

You, God, are MY God, earnestly  I seek You.......................  Ps 63:1