I'd no sooner finished penning the last blog post about kingship, when the Lord started on the next thing. There was no week in between this time. Perhaps He knew what was coming. I'm glad I didn't.
The word 'guilty' kept popping into my head, so I knew it was something to investigate and meditate on.
Guilt has been an all-too-familiar companion in my life, and He started to show me that I was weighed down by false guilt and not responding to real guilt over real sin.
Guilt tells us something is wrong. It's like pain. We touch something hot, and pain tells us to move our hand. Pain tells us something is wrong and we need to do something about it. If we don't, then damage is done.
What is guilt? Well, it's hard to define. Is it an emotion, or is it a pressure, as some have described it?
I found this definition helpful: ".....guilt is both an objective state and a painful but potentially beneficial emotion that opens the possibility for repentance, a vital practice in the life of faith."
Guilt tells us something is wrong. Like pain, it is our natural, in-built response and we do well to listen to it. What does guilt tell us? It tells us we've missed the mark, that our actions or words are in fact wrong according to the One who knows what is right and true. In our entitled culture, it's hard to accept that, but guilt is an essential part of our walk.
The Bible is pretty clear that we're all guilty of sin.
We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to our own way.. Isa 53:6
For there is no difference; for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, Rom 3:23
Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord.” And you forgave the guilt of my sin. Ps 32:5
If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 1 John 1:8
The Bible teaches us that we ARE guilty of sinning against God, and our consciences bear witness to that. Sin is to miss the mark, to get it wrong, to do the wrong thing.
We're guilty of deliberate (wilful) sin and guilty of sin we're not even aware of.
But who can discern their own errors? Forgive my hidden faults. Keep your servant also from wilful sins; may they not rule over me. Then I will be blameless, innocent of great transgression. Ps 19: 12, 13
How does the Lord deal with guilty people? We deserve to be treated badly by God, and yet He doesn't.
He convicts us of specific sins. He gives us an opportunity to repent. He forgives. He has mercy and compassion. He makes a way for us to be clean and move forward.
He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. Ps 103:10
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:8,9
For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more. Heb 8:12
His response to us is mercy and forgiveness and a clean slate.
How do we respond to that sense of guilt in our lives? How should we respond?
In repentance, ask for forgiveness, receive it, be cleansed, receive grace to change and do different. But we don't always respond that way, for various reasons.
When we feel guilt over something, and we don't repent, don't change our behaviour, we sear our conscience and become hard on that issue.
When guilt is imposed on us by someone, and we're not able to understand what we've done, nor change it, then we can also develop a hardness.
Either way, we can grow callouses on our hearts, sometimes because of pain, sometimes because of rebellion. It's those callouses, that hardness of heart, that the Lord has been wanting to speak to me about.
I've always lived with that sense of guilt, for as long as I can remember. So I wanted to be clear of it, and yet I have never felt free of it.
So, with David I have been praying these prayers, in an attempt to just deal with it all:
Have mercy upon me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness;
According to the multitude of Your tender mercies, blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. Ps 51:1,2
Recently, I've taken up playing the guitar again, after many years of neglect. I was gifted a beautiful Takamine guitar by the Lord, in unusual circumstances. After many years of not playing, the chord patterns have been easy enough to remember, but the pain in my fingers has been almost unbearable, till now. After weeks of agony and perseverance, I have finally grown callouses on the tips of my left-hand fingers.
Callouses are very necessary for playing the guitar, but not for a joyful life. And so the Lord did not waste the opportunity to talk to me about the callouses on my heart, caused by rebellion and pain. Many of those callouses have been relinquished this year, and gradually softened and peeled back, though some have been suddenly ripped off, and there are still some remaining. What is underneath a callous is raw skin, really raw skin. The callous protects you from the pain that comes from suffering the same injury, over and over.
Because I have those callouses, I am quite numb to real guilt over real sin. I tend to classify sin into size categories, so I tend to ignore Him if He's convicting me about 'little' or 'unimportant' sins, as I see them. It's so easy to do. I don't feel the conviction on those issues through the callouses I've built up. And it's in specific areas of sin that He's dealing with me about, areas where there has been the most pain.
I'm not an axe murderer, no longer participating in the shop-lifting or vandalism of my youth, no longer being religiously self-righteous, I'm not a drinker or smoker, none of what Christians call the 'big' stuff. So it's not the 'big' stuff that I have issues with or that He's speaking to me about.
But it's all big to Him because it's all important to Him. And as it turns out, because His conviction and His promptings are wrapped around those 'small', every day, mundane decisions that I make, in my home, when nobody important is watching, I don't tend to respond to Him the way I should, with repentance, asking for mercy and forgiveness and change. My King lives in my home and sees it all, but I am not responsive. I am numb.
I know all that, but not sure what to do about it. Like Paul I say,
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. Romans 7:15
So, in answer to my prayers on the issue, my King started asking for a surrender of the callouses. Ouch! I realised there was little point resisting that, because it just prolongs the agony, so I gave in fairly quickly. I must be getting better at surrender. What I didn't realise was that the callouses didn't shift - I'd merely given Him permission to shift them.
I wasn't really understanding how to move forward on it. I guess when you've lived something from a young age, it becomes so ingrained in your thinking, it's hard to even see how it works. It's just so normal. Once again, what's needed is a renewing of the mind. I knew that I wasn't responding to His conviction about things, but that I was often feeling guilty of things that He wasn't convicting me about.
I asked a friend to pray about it for me, and she got a picture of a fog, and that I am to put my hand in His and He'll lead me through it. It definitely felt like a fog and it was blinding my vision. I don't doubt His ability or willingness to lead me through that fog, but I'm struggling with my lack of sight and my inability. I didn't know how to shift it, but I knew to wait. I've learnt that much.
Image courtesy of https://unsplash.com/@anniespratt
Well, nothing was shifting much. I stayed in the Word, prayed, worshipped, questioned, researched the concept, wrote some notes, and waited. When I'm waiting on the Lord for an answer, for something to shift, I often park myself in this song.
But then something happened at church that blindsided me and was meant for evil, but the Lord is flipping it around for good. It cleared that fog quicker than any book I could read on the subject, much like a strong windstorm would perhaps. I guess getting smacked around the head shifts things.
That's what it felt like. It was a verbal attack that was totally unexpected, from someone in a position of power, and it really stung! I felt like I'd been slapped across the face, in much the same way my mother used to and with about the same velocity and unpredictability. It was an accusation that was so unexpected and is still baffling me and that I hope to sort out, but it rocked me to the core.
But this time, I stayed and I pretended that I was fine, for hours. I'm good at that - pretending, stuffing down emotions. Lots of practice makes for efficient stuffing. I had to stuff it down at the time, but I knew I couldn't do that for long, because it would turn into bitterness and another callous. And I'm tired of the numbness that comes with callouses. I don't like being raw, but being numb is a whole lot harder.
So, a simple 'are you okay?' later in the day from the friend who witnessed it, was all the permission I needed to open up. If there's one thing I've learnt through this whole journey, it's to process emotions as they come and to stop stuffing, stop pretending. Of course, you can't wear your heart on your sleeve for just anyone and you can't always process when it happens. But I knew I needed to just work through the sting and the 'whys' and the 'what the heck?!' of what had taken place, with someone I could trust.
It took my friend over an hour to make me realise that the verbal assault was undeserved. I'm so glad she was witness to it, or I might have decided it was all fine and just added it to the list of things that I've copped over the years that I 'deserve'. Even if I have done what I'm supposed to have done (still trying to figure out what that is exactly), I didn't deserve for it to be dealt with the way it was. According to Scripture, if someone is offended with you, they should come and speak with you about it quietly and privately first.
If your brother sins against you, go and confront him privately. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. Matt 18:15.
That didn't happen. Obviously, something had been bubbling away for a while, and it just erupted from this person, in front of my kids, which wasn't helpful to them. The very first lesson to take away from this, was that I don't deserve that kind of response from someone in authority, regardless of what I've done. I'm so very grateful for such a powerful lesson, painful as it was. It gave that fog a serious blow.
As it turned out, the fog started clearing on other issues as well. And there were several callouses that got ripped off in that one encounter, and revealed some deep, long-held pain from unresolved situations, some of it over 40 years old, some of it more recent. I spent the week just reeling in pain, because it pushed so many buttons. I was confused, raw and angry.
I've done a lot of thinking, praying, crying, wondering. Only this time I am not alone. I was very alone when I hid in the jacaranda tree as a kid. But this time, He is right there with me, helping me to understand why this altercation has affected me so much, and my friend has been available to listen and pray and give perspective.
Because it was a person in authority who did it, I felt very much like a naughty kid again, and felt like I deserved it. I didn't. I went and apologised for any offence I'd caused, and that's as it should be, but even someone in authority should not behave like that. Authority doesn't give us that right. Authority gives us power, but it also comes with huge responsibility and accountability. Because it came from a person of 'power', it was painful and very triggering for me.
Someone in power and authority used guilt a lot during my childhood - Mum. And mostly because she felt so powerless, and because she couldn't or wouldn't face her own issues, so it was a constant game of deflection and absorption. I absorbed the guilt she put on me, over lots of issues. I didn't even recognise it as unhealthy for so very long, well into my married years. I thought absorbing and carrying all this guilt was how you love the people you care about. Like the fog, that mental stronghold is shifting.
I also realised that I have carried guilt over several things I've been accused of in churches over the years. Again, because the incident happened at church, all that suppressed fear and rejection and pain rose to the surface. I know first-hand how quickly a church that feels like family can become a battleground, and I immediately feared it happening again. I could see it all just disappearing again and me walking away in confusion and bitterness, again. The fear of losing church family was overwhelming. I felt the buried grief of two church families that I've lost in the past.
I was also very confronted by the aggressive nature of the incident. I wasn't physically hurt, but the aggression was so similar to what my husband and I copped from a fairly toxic pastor over several years. We didn't recognise him as toxic to begin with, and felt guilty for pulling away. The incident brought up all those times when this pastor accused, attacked, intimidated and threw guilt at us. Another callous ripped off.
Because the person involved in the incident was a man and was aggressive, it triggered memories of domestic violence that we lived with as kids and teenagers. Another callous ripped off. So many callouses all at once. Sometimes the mercy of God is quite severe but His grace fills all those raw places.
I felt very powerless at the time of the incident, and it took me back to a place of powerlessness. I've been powerless in so many situations and relationships. I hate that feeling and it's something He's dealing with. Being powerless is pretty frightening and it's hard to respond well. So many times in the past, I've been confused, defensive and rebellious, or I've just withdrawn and become bitter. But this time, He's showing me how to respond with power. This time, I'm hearing the truth and He's building muscle to stand - not to hit out, not to defend, not to withdraw, not to deflect blame, not to mouth off - just to stand.
The power to hit back and hurt and pull down - that's not real power. The power to love and forgive and reach out, the power to stay and fight for a better relationship, if it's possible, as far as it's up to me - that's where the real power is. The power to honour someone who has acted dishonourably; the power to believe in the good, when what you saw and what you copped was not good. The power to respond with grace and not in retaliation. That's where the real power is. That power does not come from me, nor does it have to, and I'm so grateful for that.
I am not powerless in Him. That power is from Him and has to flow through me, and it will, if I'll let it.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Cor 13:4-7
Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Col 3:12-15
This unravelling process throughout the year has been about tearing down walls that I had to put up. I've felt very vulnerable and powerless, and have found myself needing to 'hide' a lot. Sitting in my room the day after the altercation, and wondering where to from here with this person, the Lord asked me to look around the room. I wasn't sure what His point was, and this was it: 'You wouldn't let just anyone into this room, this safe place. Don't let just anyone into your heart either'.
Then He led me here.
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
Keep your mouth free of perversity; keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you.
Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways.
Do not turn to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil. Prov 4:23-27
Guard your heart! There it was. It's okay to guard your heart.
Apart from guarding my heart, these verses speak of walking and talking carefully, being steadfast, keeping on a straight path, having the right focus, watching my mouth. There's a strength in all of that. There's a power in doing all these things. And it comes from Him. I want to walk in that power, without using it to hurt people. Jesus showed great power, often in what He chose NOT to do. Meekness - power under control. I do believe that's what He's doing through all this pruning.
Abuse tears down walls. It destroys the boundaries of your personality. It makes it very difficult to understand what is reasonable behaviour to accept from someone, and what is not. It makes you powerless and very vulnerable and open to even more abuse, both emotionally, mentally and physically, but also spiritually. It's like you become a target and you don't know how to fight it. This book has been immensely helpful in understanding the cycles of abuse we often get drawn into.
When you've been abused, you learn to put up walls to keep you safe. You have to do that. But, those walls keep you locked up as well. Those walls are built with guilt, shame, resentment, fear, pain, bitterness, rebellion, defensiveness and more. Of course, you don't call them that and it's all quite justified, because you've needed to survive. The Lord has pulled down many of those walls this year, and some are still coming down.
Funnily enough, this person who attacked me has said in the past that I need to bring down my walls, to be more vulnerable. Well, in thinking and praying about that, the Lord reminded me that under Nehemiah, His people were instructed to actually rebuild the walls.
One of the biggest lessons this week is that not only can I have walls, the right ones, but that I actually should, for my own safety. Guard your heart is not just an invitation, it's a directive. So, now it seems it's time to rebuild the walls, but to understand what they should be.
One of the big wrestles this week has been this: how do I guard my heart in a way that honours the Lord, and this person, and keeps me safe within the protection God gives me? I don't know, I'm still seeking Him on that. In the past, I would have just kept a safe distance, possibly walked away.
For the moment, I'm giving myself some physical space to process and heal, so that I'm not raw when I encounter this person again. Raw people tend to be reactive.
I'm very aware that my trust has been broken, and that will take some rebuilding. Trust is what allows someone inside your walls. And not everyone should be inside those walls. Trust and forgiveness are not the same thing.
What are some of the building blocks for healthy walls? Wisdom? I need to be wise in the way I relate to this person and others. Truth? I suspect truth is another key element in the rebuilding process. I want to be truthful with myself about where I'm at, but also careful to speak truth in love - not in fear or anger or defence. So the wall needs to contain truth. Peace? I want to be at peace, as far as it's up to me. Patience? I need to be patient with the shortcomings of others. Humility? Yes, because I am no better than anyone else. Forgiveness? Forgiveness is a given in any relationship. I'm sure there are other components to these new walls that He will show me in time. But, over all, love has to be the mortar that holds the bricks together.
And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Col 3:14
I don't want to grow more callouses - I have enough of those still. But I do need some protection. I need to guard my heart, above all else, in all relationships. The only One with whom I don't need to do that, to whom I can safely and fully surrender, is Him, because He is thoroughly and consistently good and trustworthy. He IS my Jacaranda tree.
May it please you to prosper Zion, to build up the walls of Jerusalem. Ps 51:18
He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress; my God, in Him I will trust.” Ps 91:1,2
......but the Lord’s unfailing love surrounds the one who trusts in him. Ps 32:10
That last verse sounds like God's love is a wall of protection. It sounds to me like God gives us walls. I want those walls, not the ones of my own making, nor anyone else's.
So I am guilty yes, of many things, but I want HIS perspective and truth on what I'm actually guilty of. Guilt has to be felt where I've sinned against Him and Him only. Yes, my sin hurts others, for sure, but it ultimately is against Him.
You, God, know my folly; my guilt is not hidden from you. Ps 69:5
For I acknowledge my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.
Against You, You only, have I sinned, and done this evil in Your sight
That You may be found just when You speak, and blameless when You judge. Ps 51:3,4
But, I've also been given permission to be guarded and careful not to blindly accept guilt and abuse from others.
What's interesting is that since this incident, and because He's used it to bring up and heal so many wounds, and remove so many callouses, my 'ability' to respond to His conviction over real sin has increased. I'm no longer as numb as I was. That's both encouraging and challenging. What's also encouraging, is that the heaviness I've known for years, which I suspect has come from all that false guilt I've absorbed, is being replaced with joy, little by little.
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, and uphold me by Your generous Spirit.. Ps 51:12
So, has the fog cleared? Not completely. But it is clearing. I'm just waiting and responding to His whispers. I didn't expect things to shift so dramatically or painfully, but then nothing really surprises me on this journey any more.
As for guilt, I think there is still a great deal more to learn on that. Those areas where He has been speaking to me about specific things, they are still there and they still need attention, but now there is a new freedom to hear His heart on it, and a new ability to respond with trust.
He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake. Ps 23:3
Just as I am, poor, wretched, blind
Sight, riches, healing of the mind
Yea, all I need, in Thee to find
O Lamb of God, I come, I come
Just as I am, Thou wilt receive
Wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve
Because Thy promise I believe
O Lamb of God, I come, I come
Glorious truth! (I am taking notes 😉). Thankful for your sharing. Thankful for your friend there to listen, pray... Thankful to be introduced to that good song... I wonder how many of us had a tree of refuge like that? What a piece of poetry: to see that He is that Tree for me now. Bless you, friend xx
ReplyDeletePS I hadn't thought before about how beautiful even the fog can be...
ReplyDelete"He has made everything beautiful in its time." (Ecclesiastes 3)!
As always, Al, I so appreciate your thoughts and your encouragement. He is indeed making everything beautiful in His time.
ReplyDelete