LET GO OF THE HIDING PLACE

Have you ever built a cubby house out of branches and sticks and bark?   Not one of those nice, tidy, prefabricated structures you put up in a back yard, but something you build out in the bush when you're exploring and camping out.  

https://www.briar-hill-ps.vic.edu.au/cubbies.html

I built one with my older brother, Pete, when we were 14 and 12 - long time ago.   It was in someone's back paddock, where our Dad used to go shooting.   We spent hours building it, perfecting it, gathering supplies, making it weather-proof.   Our plan was to live in it, because  we were going to run away from home.    

Home was not a healthy place to be and escaping seemed like the logical thing to do.    So we picked a day (first Saturday of the school holidays) and we took off, before anyone was up and about, and started walking.   We hadn't thought too well about how long it was going to take to walk the 15km to get there.   It didn't take too long for us to realise that the police were out looking for us.   We'd left a note but my mother thought we'd been kidnapped.   Pete chickened out and we ended up hiding in the backyard for a bit, then taking off again, till the police finally found us wandering.    

Pete got a thrashing from Dad, as often happened, and I got let off, but I paid for it later, from Mum, when Dad wasn't looking.   

We wanted to hide.   I remember reading a book a few years ago now, called 'Hiding From Love'.  It's a powerful book, part novel, part counselling book, about how many of us hide hide in relationships because of a difficult and toxic family life.   The trouble with hiding, is that we end up hiding from the One person who can help us - the Father. 

Over the last couple of weeks, I've been wrestling with fear, huge fear, and just asking the Lord to show me what it is and why and how and what to do about it?  Lots of questions, lots of wrestling.    I've been working through grief and that brought to the surface this fear and I couldn't see how the two were connected.  

On Monday morning, the Lord told me to spend the week fasting from certain things and to pray about it.  He also told me to send out a call to various sisters in the Lord to pray for this stronghold of fear to break, because it was deeply-rooted and had been there a long time.    I really couldn't see it clearly but I felt it well enough.  Fear is paralysing, stops us doing the things we should do and even want to do.   

So, the Lord showed me this picture.  He speaks to me in pictures often, then explains them, gradually, over time.    I saw this cubby-house-like structure, built into the floor of a room.   It was roughly made, out of odds and ends, had different layers to it, was almost coffin-like in its shape and size, but had no lid.   It was like a hidey hole inside a cupboard that had no doors.   

So, I asked Him for an explanation.   And He took me backwards through a doorway of pain, as Joyce Meyer calls it, so that He could heal something that has been broken for a very long time - trust.   

When I was 12, Mum 'snapped', after months of struggling with grief and marital tension, and no doubt many other things.   I asked for help with something and she yelled and raged and swore, and I cried.   Well, that made her even angrier and she beat me and wouldn't stop until I stopped crying.  I ended up backed into a corner, on the floor, with my hands over my face, begging her to stop, but she wouldn't stop until I got quiet.    When I finally gave up making any noise, she was satisfied and she walked away, and we never spoke of it, even to this day.  I made a silent vow that day to not cry and I didn't.  It's only been in the last eighteen months, that that has changed somewhat.   

I didn't realise until just a few years ago, that it had impacted me deeply.    I remembered it at a conscious level, but had buried the pain of that.  I've written about it, talked about it, but God decided I needed to go back to that this week, because that's the reason I can't cry with others, and I need to.  More on that another day. 

So, He showed me that I built this mindset, this safety mechanism, this hidey hole, when I was 12, and would retreat there whenever I got a chance.   

When I was 14, we moved into my father's childhood home, and our toxic situation went from bad to worse.   For some reason, being in that house ramped up my father's narcissism and it exacerbated my mother's isolation (we moved out of town).    I split my time between propping Mum up so she didn't have breakdowns, and retreating to my room.    It became my refuge, and I would retreat there with food and books.   

Trouble is, once Mum moved out of their bedroom, Dad turned to me for his sexual 'needs'.    So my bedroom was no longer a safe place to be either.   In fact, it was very unsafe.   And Mum was not a refuge for me.   She'd certainly made it very clear, more than once, that I could not lean on her in any way.    One day, she walked up the hallway and stood outside my bedroom door, and could hear what was happening, and walked away.    I knew then that I was on my own.   

And I think I added a few more layers to that mental structure that day.

I did eventually manage to stop the abuse by locking Dad out of my bedroom.   After that, it was constant verbal abuse, cruel and unrelenting, towards me and Mum, and physical abuse for the boys.  Pete left that year, couldn't take it any more, had given up trying to stop them from hurting each other.    And my younger brother was my responsibility, so super Kath kicked in.  I felt Pete's departure deeply.  Even more alone now.    Add another layer to the structure, the hidey hole, the safe place.   

Perhaps that's why the picture He gave me had several layers and odd shapes about it.   

After that, Dad only ever came back into my bedroom once before I left home.  I'd got hurt by my boyfriend (now husband), something he'd said or done, and Dad saw that I was upset, saw my vulnerability and came to comfort me.  I fell for that, briefly, but then this safety mechanism kicked in, because I knew that I couldn't open that door again, couldn't trust myself to be close to him again, so I asked him to leave.    Add another few layers to this structure, this mindset, that it's not safe to cry, not safe to be vulnerable, not safe to be held, not safe to be anything other than strong and stoic and 'fine'!  

Fast forward many years, to a time when I was in my office at the farm house.  It was my safe place, and I would often retreat in there, do some paperwork but also play word games on the computer.    Things were difficult in our marriage and with other family dynamics and I would retreat when I could.  

The Lord said to me one day, while I was playing a word game, 

What are you doing?

I'm hiding.  This is my safe place, when no one else is in here. 

I know.    Why are you hiding? 

Because I need to be alone to feel safe.

Mind if I join you in your hiding place?   

I suppose not.   

Good.   

And we've been doing that ever since.   

Trouble is, hiding places are also incredibly lonely places.    Hiding behind 'I'm fine', 'everything is okay', 'I'm strong', 'I can manage, thanks' is great until it isn't.   Many times, I come down with a crashing thud once I've been super Kath for a while, in whatever capacity that is - daughter, wife, parent, teacher, helper, friend, mentor, Sunday school helper, retreat leader, etc, etc, etc.    Because I'm not good at being vulnerable, even with the Lord, or leaning on others, I eventually crash.   And it's a lonely place.    

So, this week, the challenge was to let go of MY hiding place and walk into His - and stay there.   I really thought I had this sorted.  Like, I thought I was in a much better place with Him, and honestly, I am compared to years ago, or even months ago.  

But, He showed me that all this time, while He's appreciated being welcome in MY hiding place, it's time for me to let it go, to surrender it, to walk out of it, to let Him dismantle it, and walk instead into HIS hiding place, the secret place.   And the choice is mine, it always is, because that's how He works.  He is a gentleman - strong but gentle.   

I realise now that when He showed up as gentle and strong during worship a while back, He didn't actually touch me, didn't push or shove or intimidate because He wanted it to be MY choice.   

I got this from my friend Jane, after I sent out the call for people to please pray.  

'As you put your hand on that handle, stand still, quiet, take a slow breath, look into His eyes, turn the handle and enter His secret place, confident He is for you and will carry you through this next section of the road.'

And so I have, in words, given Him that structure, that mindset, my safety mechanism, my hiding place, because I know from my journey so far, that He is good and kind and can be trusted.  I don't feel it yet, but I've experienced His goodness and kindness, and I'll trust Him until I do feel safe, more than the pain that caused me to hide.  Right now, I am feeling incredibly 'unsafe', and it's just as disorienting and frightening as surrendering that blanket of shame He asked for a couple of months back.  

So, here I am, in His secret place and I don't like it particularly, not yet anyway.    I'm sure I will grow to love it and appreciate it and Him in new ways.   From here on, He needs to be my new cubby house - my refuge and my fortress.  

He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High

Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress;

My God, in Him I will trust.”   Ps 91:1,2

In the wrestling yesterday, I had my Spotify list playing and this song came on. 

Good timing, Lord!!  

I'm putting all the lyrics here, because they're all worth reading.  

Your Spirit is a gentleman

Standing at my hidden doors within

Where You wait for me to let You in

So You can set me free

Your Spirit is a wrecking ball

Tearing through my rebel walls

And one by one, I watch them fall

'Til You are all I see

Oh, You're the life in me

Oh, You're the air I breathe

Oh, You're the change in me

You're the change in me

Your Spirit is a whispering

When all the lies are deafening

You speak to the very heart of me

And fear cannot remain

Your Spirit is the light ahead

Calling me into the depths

And daring me to take a step

And let You lead the way

Oh, You're the life in me

Oh, You're the air I breathe

Oh, You're the change in me

You're the change in me

Your Spirit is a holy flame

Burning all the old away

Here I am, Lord, have Your way

'Til all that's left is You

All that's left is You

Oh, You're the life in me

Oh, You're the air I breathe

Oh, You're the change in me

You're the change in me

Your Spirit is my constant friend

You're with me to the very end

I'll never be alone again

You're the change in me