IT WASN'T A WASTE OF TIME OR MONEY

I'm writing for Five Minute Friday and today's prompt word is WASTE. 

Sometimes you have to 'waste' money and time to invest in yourself.  

Sometimes when you waste time procrastinating and don't get on with what is on your plate, it's because you have mindsets that are disabling you.  

I knew there were mindsets disabling me and causing me to waste time and energy, but I just wasn't sure what they were.   

I knew I needed a break and a change of scenery.  I felt the Lord say to head to the ocean while the girls were away, so I did.

I drove four hours to get to the coast.  It's been a rather stressful few months of legal and financial gymnastics, finding a house and moving house.  On top of that, it's been weeks of  processing more buried trauma and generally feeling overwhelmed as we head into the new year of homeschooling and trying to get on my feet financially, and getting my business up and running again.   All of it felt too hard and I was paralysed by overwhelm on many fronts.    

It felt like a waste of money to go to the coast.   It's not a cheap exercise to drive four hours each way and pay for fuel, accommodation and meals.   On Sunday, someone at church found out I was heading to the coast and shoved some money into my bra to help cover costs.   Rather embarrassing, but she was determined.  And I was grateful.   

While I was sitting by the beach, it felt like wasted time because there was so much at home that needed doing.  

But I realised that if I'd spent my child-free week entirely at home, I would not be able to really get quiet and hear His perspective on what was troubling me and keeping me stuck.   

It's a waste of time trying to push forward from 'stuck' without His perspective and without His reset.    We end up tired, stressed, frustrated, angry, resentful, defeated and not actually moving forward, but rather going around in circles, usually downward circles.  

We need to literally get by quiet waters so He can get our attention and restore our soul.  

That's when we're able to move forward.    

He leads me beside the still waters.

He restores my soul;

He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.  Ps 23:3,4

I needed a reset.    And He was offering it.  

I was reminded, while I was sitting by the quiet waters of a sheltered bay, that His goodness is huge.   I read in a devotional that if God's goodness was only as big as the Pacific Ocean, it would be enough for us.   Here I was, sitting by the waters of that same ocean, listening to the constant waves, and I realised that God's goodness is constant and it's enough for all that I am facing.   But we often just don't get quiet enough to hear it, see it, feel it, receive it.    

Sitting on the beach in the bay feels safe.  It's sheltered, it's quiet, it's gentle.    

The next day, I went to see the open ocean.    I walked on the beach and felt the more powerful waves hitting the sand.   I didn't go too far out because the water was freezing and it was a very hot day to be out for too long.   

I was tempted to stay an extra day, but the Lord showed me that He had made His point.   It  wasn't a waste of time, effort and money to go there.   I needed to be reminded of His bigness and His power and His provision and His gentleness in all of it.  

On the drive home, He started to heal some trauma that I had shared with my pastor while I was at the coast.  It had been bubbling away for weeks but there just wasn't opportunity for either of us to talk much.   

It was buried trauma and major disappointment that was keeping me stuck in the mindset of 'don't waste your time trying again - there's no point, it won't work'.   It seems that years of disappointment can set you up for hopelessness and trying to push through that in your own strength just isn't enough.  You need that disappointment to be healed, lifted, reset, reframed in the light of His perspective.  

My pastor knew that I needed to go back to that place of major disappointment to move forward into the new season well.    She said I needed to have God reframe how I saw it, where He was in it, how He saw it, and be healed of the pain of that, to build faith for the new season I'm walking into.    I needed to know that He was there then so I can know He's here now and I'm not walking into more disappointment.  

The disappointment?   Losing 11 babies in a row between daughter number 3 and daughter number 4.  That pregnancy with daughter number 4 was fraught with fear and overwhelm.  I thought it was in the past, (she is nearly 15) but apparently not.   Those years of constant miscarriages, constant 'failure' on my part, constant disappointment with little support, constant grief, and having to bury all of that, had created some major mental strongholds that I just couldn't shake.   It had set me up for a mindset that I can't win, I can't succeed, and that I'm on my own to try and make this new season work.  

Well, He shook those mindsets.   On the drive home, He pulled back the layers for well over an hour and did a deep healing I can't even understand.    I sobbed and sighed for over 150km until it finally subsided.    I knew He had done something.   I knew something had shifted.    I no longer felt the need to numb the pain.   I no longer felt that overwhelm or ache or hopelessness or aloneness.   

How does He do it?  I don't know.  How do the waves of the ocean work?  I don't know.  

But I know it takes surrender.   It takes openness.   It takes setting aside time.   It takes expectation for Him to do something that we cannot.    None of that is a waste of time.   But we need to give it time, give Him time and sit and wait.   

And He does it, like He moves the waves.   

So, my trip away was not a waste of time or money or effort.   I came back different.   A friend said so last night.   'Your face is different, lighter, more relaxed.'   

So, I don't want to waste any more time expecting trouble, expecting failure or disappointment.   There are no guarantees this side of heaven that disappointment won't happen, but expecting it and being frozen by that negative expectation, that is a waste.  

But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up [close to God] as eagles [mount up to the sun]; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint or become tired.  Isa 40:31 AMP  

The Lord is my shepherd, there's nothing I need

You lead me to the safest places

You lead me to the safest places

To walk in the meadow and lie by the stream

You meet me in the quiet places

You meet me in the quiet places

Your goodness and Your mercy will follow me

All the days of my life

All the days of my life

And I'll dwell house for eternity

I'll be there by Your side

I'll be there by Your side