LIVING UNDER HIS SHADOW

I'm writing for FMF and this week's prompt word is SCARED.

The last few years have been a journey out of living scared, out of being paralysed and held back and held down by being scared.   

That word sums up my life really. The Lord has delivered me from a lot of fear, even fears I didn't recognise as fears.  

I sought the Lord, and He heard me and delivered me from all my fears.   Ps 34:4

About three years ago, the Lord showed me that I needed to get out of my long-term ‘marriage’. I put the word marriage inside those marks because I've come to realise since then just how far from the Lord's idea of godly marriage it was.   

It wasn't healthy but it was all I had known since leaving an abusive childhood home. Getting out has allowed me to see, albeit slowly, how unhealthy it was, but at the time, it was my normal.   

At the time, the Lord used the analogy of getting out of the boat, like Peter climbing out onto the waves when He realised that it was Jesus coming towards them.   

But the boat was now in the middle of the sea, tossed by the waves, for the wind was contrary.

Now in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went to them, walking on the sea.    And when the disciples saw Him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, “It is a ghost!” And they cried out for fear.

But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, “Be of good cheer! It is I; do not be afraid (SCARED).”

And Peter answered Him and said, “Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water.”

So He said, “Come.” And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus. 30 But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, “Lord, save me!”

And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him, and said to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased.    Matthew 14:24-32

Scared doesn't begin to describe how I felt once I realised that it was the Lord calling me out.   

It took a lot of realising because I had grown up in a culture (church culture) that taught that marriage is forever (actually it's not - marriage is for this earth, not for heaven). My culture also taught and modelled that you don't discuss what's going on behind closed doors, and you stay put regardless of the damage being done to one or both people, or the children.  The Lord had to undo some shaky teaching.  

My boat was comfortable and somewhat familiar, especially financially.

But it wasn't healthy and it wasn't a place to grow in Him, as a person, or even as a married couple. Choices had been made, for years, and were still being made, and those choices were causing ongoing damage.   

The Lord decided that it was time. And I was scared.

Actually, scared doesn't even go close to describing the fear I had of how I would do life alone - emotionally, financially, and single parenting.

And I wrestled with it for such a long time.

In the end, I did what Peter did.  

Lord, IF it’s You, make it clear.  Call me out of this ‘boat’ onto those unpredictable waves.

He made it clear and He keeps making it clear.  

It has not been easy.     And I have learnt a great deal about myself, about life, about what marriage actually is meant to be, about what went wrong, and that I can’t fix it on my own (tried that for a long time).  

Now, I don’t advocate for people to just jump ship when things are hard.   I don’t believe He encourages anyone to jump overboard every time they hit a storm. 

That’s not what was happening.  This wasn’t just a storm we were in - it was a boat anchored to unhealthy patterns and decisions.  There are times when we have to walk away from something that is taking us down.  

But what I’ve discovered in these last few years of being out and being scared a lot of the time, is that He meets us there, over and over and over.  We are not alone.  

I’ve learned a great deal about a lot of things, but what I have found is Him!!

He met me out on those waves.   I needed to make the choice to walk toward Him, and not stay in comfortable and familiar.   

In doing that, I have discovered the God who upholds me with His righteous right hand.  

Fear not, (do not be SCARED) for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’  Isa 41:10

I have discovered this Jesus, who still calms the storm, who is still Lord of the wind and the waves - the unpredictable and uncontrollable aspects of my life. 

But He said to them, “Why are you fearful, O you of little faith?” Then He arose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm.  So the men marvelled, saying, “Who can this be, that even the winds and the sea obey Him?”   Matt 8:26,27

Who can this be, that even the winds and the sea obey Him?   Indeed, who is this? 

I thought I knew Him, but I didn’t know Him well until I needed to really lean on Him.  I didn’t know Him well until He was all I had left.  I didn’t know Him well until He showed up during the night, many nights, when I was just plain SCARED of many things.  

When the weight of many responsibilities, your kids’ future and present, when you’re learning how to manage things you’ve not had to manage before, alone, you get SCARED. 

But He has been right there.   And I still get SCARED - often.  But that’s where He meets me, this Jesus who restores sight, enables the paralysed to walk, who teaches what’s really true and isn’t, whose truth sets me free when I actually lay hold of it, who breaks chains, who calls people into freedom and growth.  

When Jesus walked across those waves, He said, ‘It is I’.   He was saying, ‘The I AM is here’ 

And that is every reason in the world not to stay SCARED.   Because He is all in all, the all sufficient One, and has in Him everything we could need in any situation.

I was sitting in this park early one morning, with my journal and my Bible.   And I thought about the shadows.   That park is not far from my home and it’s beautiful, but at night it feels unsafe and perhaps there are people around at night who make it unsafe. 

But I thought about the shadows.   Sometimes we’re SCARED of the shadows and we don’t need to be.  We need to be careful for sure, but we can’t live our lives SCARED.   We need to stay under HIS shadow, and look at life from that vantage point, and that place of safety and shalom.  That’s the only answer for SCARED.  

He obviously knew that we would get SCARED – a lot.  There are hundreds of admonitions in His Word to re-focus on Him when that fear hits.     

He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High
Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress;
My God, in Him I will trust.”  Ps 91:1,2

The answer to being SCARED is not to hide from Him, but to hide with Him, in Him, under His shadow.   That’s when we really get to know who He is and what He wants for us. 

How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God! Therefore the children of men put their trust under the shadow of Your wings.  Psalm 36:7

Scared, oh, I thought I knew scared
But I'm so filled with fear
I can barely move

Doubt, I've had my share of doubt
But never more than right now
I'm wondering, where are You?

 

My rock, my shield, my firm foundation
I know I will not be shaken
You remind me
Where my help comes from

This is the truth I'm standing on
Even when all my strength is gone
You are faithful forever
And I know You'll never
Let me fall