Friday, 17 June 2016

Did You Lose Something?

'Did you lose something?', someone asked, as I had my head in the fridge. 
Yes, actually I did.  
But, that statement reminded me of something else I did lose, something much more important than what I was looking for in the fridge, and something I chose to lose, because of the choice I was offered.
It wasn't much of a choice, but I finally had to make it, after many years of 'playing the game' the way we always had, the way I thought was normal, the way he had dictated, the way I thought it was okay for him to ask.
I had to choose between my father and my mother, knowing that I would lose a great deal, and indeed I did.
I did lose - his approval, his agreement, his presence in our home, my reputation at his  hands with both of my brothers and their families and his associates in the small town I grew up in - in other words, his 'love'.  
I chose to lose all that, because he had made me choose - between him and my mother. 
If I wanted to stay in an amiable relationship with him, I had to agree with him, I had to side with him in their arguments, I had to decide against Mum in major decisions that affect her life and health, I had to be party to his schemes, I had to be silent as he profaned my Father's name, as he undermined my husband's authority and our Christian values, I had to be silent while he constantly and insidiously  ridiculed and demeaned my mother in front of others.  
So, one day I had to choose to lose,  and I said as much - 'don't make me choose, Dad'.   It was like a red flag to a bull - he pushed me to that edge, thinking I would back down, like I always had before.  
But not this time.   This time, I chose to lose all that he offered, and my mother finally was able to recognise that she was worth something.   Something let go -  a stronghold that has governed my childhood family since we were old enough to choose between him and her. 
But in the losing, I was free to love  my mother sacrificially. 
And in the losing, I have found a love for him that isn't dependent on his love for me, or being able to admire him, or agree with him, or be able to depend on him in any way.
And I hope and pray that one day, when he's done 'playing the game', he will realise WHY I did choose to lose -  that he will see Mum's worth, and his own, that it isn't dependent on getting his own way.
And I hope and pray that one day he will recognise what Jesus chose to lose on his behalf - a great deal, in life and in death.  
And it makes me pray even harder for a man I love but for the time being have chosen to 'lose'. 
And it makes me realise that Jesus loses people He so wants desperately to keep, but that it is their choice.    
Matthew 16:26   And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? Is anything worth more than your soul?
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  1. Wow. I so loved this. What a profound story. I pray that many will read your words and have the courage to do the same in their lives. Great job!

  2. Thanks so much, June. It certainly takes courage, but God is so honoured when we make good, but hard choices.