Have you ever packed your SUV, car, van or station wagon for a long trip and had to push hard to get the back door shut? I mean, you know it's more than you need, but hey, you never know what you'll need, right?
There's so much stuff shoved in there, all of it essential, but your vehicle knows it's there. Of course, if you've had sufficient time to prepare for the trip, and pack, then all the stuff is in nice, tidy packages - in boxes, bags, suitcases, etc.
And now you've carefully packed all those packages in their nooks and crannies in your vehicle and you're set to go. But don't anyone dare ask for whatever is stuffed away there, in the back, before you get to your destination, cause it ain't happening. That door is staying shut. And I mean it! No one opens the back door!
But, it's so full that it starts oozing it's way into the back seat, hitting your passengers on the head every time you hit a bump, or take a corner too fast. And there are plenty of unforeseen bumps and bends on this trip. But, they'll just have to put up with it till we get there. Numb them with food and technology and they won't notice the pain. Or will they?
But what if someone really, really needs something that's buried under all your carefully stacked packages? It can't possibly be the stuff that's easy to see or reach, despite your best-laid plans. Will you relent and open the dreaded door, knowing it just won't go back in the same? Do I have to? Sigh.
Well that's what I did last week, without realising what would be unleashed. It wasn't my car door. But it was a door of sorts and now there's stuff spilling out everywhere. And it just won't go back in, regardless of how hard I try. I had it all nicely tucked away in neat little packages, having sorted it all in my head and analysed it, understood its impact and put it comfortably back in, all the time thinking I needed all of it.
But I don't. I've been carting this stuff around for years, way too long. I think it's weighing me down, as you would expect a large load to do. I didn't really notice that to be honest till someone suggested an alternative way to be. You know, you can read a verse a thousand times, and then one day, someone will apply it for you in a different context and bam - it's like a light goes on. Matt 11:28-29
I don't want to unpack it, not properly. I wanted it to stay inside the neat little packages my mind had organised. I haven't ever actually looked really closely at what's inside. I just would like it to stay packed away, with the door slammed shut.
But it's too late now because the door is open. And the packages have started breaking open and spilling stinky goo everywhere.
It's horrible. He didn't tell me the door would fly open if I did what He suggested. But then I didn't ask, nor think to ask, what would happen when I agreed to relinquish the deep-rooted anger that has been my coping mechanism all this time.
What the heck? I knew they were there - all the memories, but they weren't fresh and raw like this. I didn't know there was raw pain under the scab that was anger, nor how quickly and easily it would start spilling out, in semi-liquid form, so that I can't even pick it up and repackage it.
How could I know? It's been down there a long time and I've managed it with anger a long time.
What a mess! A painful, horrible mess.
Why didn't He at least give me a clue that it would leak like this?
Why didn't He tell me how painful it was - is?
Because I couldn't deal with it before now?
Because He loves me.
The powerful words of this song ring out today.
I run to the Father
I fall into grace
I'm done with the hiding
No reason to wait
My heart needs a surgeon
My soul needs a friend
So I'll run to the Father
Again and again
And again and again
What to do? I guess the choice is simple enough.
Simple, yes.
Easy, not on your life! Hard, so hard.
Wait for and confidently expect the Lord;
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for and confidently expect the Lord. Ps 27:14, AMP
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