CARVED AND CHISELLED

“I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free”  Michelangelo

So much carving and chiselling and shaping - and pain.   Man, this last couple of weeks have been rough.  

I wonder how the angel felt while it was being carved from a slab of marble.    Of course, the angel didn't have a mind or emotions to deal with, which sounds blissful.   

Image courtesy of:   http://careerfuel.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/michelangelo.jpg

“The sculpture is already complete within the marble block, before I start my work. It is already there, I just have to chisel away the superfluous material.”  Also Michelangelo

I said I would write a part 2 to my post called 'Where Did She Go?' and hopefully answer the question, "Who are you, Kath?"     This is part 2 but I suspect there's a part 3, which is going to take longer to understand and write about.    

But in the meantime, I wanted to share what I DO understand, thus far, and the process to get to the angel in the marble, the sculpture that He put there to start with.  

"Who are you, Kath?"   I'm still not sure.   What I AM seeing is who I'm NOT, by a slow unravelling and sculpting that is both painful and precise.   It's a very vulnerable and disorienting place to be, this stripping away when there doesn't seem to be much decent  left.    I want so badly to just go and hide under my rock until He's done.   Relationships feel even harder when you're this disoriented.  Insecurities scream at you.   Nothing feels right or safe.

So, I'm trying to lean on Him, into Him, into His truths.    It's hard to do that when everything is shaking.   But the truths are there for the taking and for the leaning into.    So many times lately, they're leaping off the pages, from passages I've read a hundred times.   How did I miss that truth and this one, and then another?    

With everything that He chisels away, He replaces it with a new truth, a new understanding, a new strength, something much more solid than what was there.     So much of what I've leant on has been lies and half truths, all under a covering of shame.  Hence the shaking and the sculpting.

A few weeks back, while on the phone to a friend on a particularly rough day, she shared with me the picture that God gave her of a caterpillar in a cocoon, waiting to burst forth as a beautiful butterfly.  So, I went home and started doing some research.   

Metamorphosis is the process of a caterpillar turning into a butterfly.  That process is not for the faint-hearted.   If you want to read about it, you can find some helpful information here.

What goes on in that dark little place that we so glibly refer to as a cocoon is neither pretty nor pleasant.   The caterpillar essentially turns into soup!   And that's pretty much how this process is feeling.  This cocoon is feeling pretty dark and soupy and unstable just at the moment.   

In my researching, I discovered this very interesting correlation between metamorphosis and the Biblical concept of transformation.  

The Greek word metamorphoo in the New Testament, (which is where we get the English word metamorphosis, a rather unique process in the natural world), is translated transformation, and used only four times.   

Basically, metamorphoo = transformation.  

Two times the word metamorphoo is used when referring to Jesus being transfigured on the mountain.   

These are the other two times:

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.   Romans 12:2

But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord.   2 Cor 3:18 

So, the process of transformation, that we are called to, essentially equals the process of a caterpillar becoming a butterfly.   That sounds sweet and lovely.  It isn't.  Suffice to say that the caterpillar has to eat itself in the cocoon so that there's room to grow wings and whatever else it needs to be a butterfly.  It needs to digest the very structures that kept it crawling around on the ground.    Ouch!

What I'm discovering in this process of metamorphoo is a dying to so many things that were/are a huge part of me -my self image, my false identity, my coping mechanisms.    Honestly, I don't mind that those things are dying and some are already dead and no longer just buried alive.   I'm incredibly grateful for the freedom that is coming.   I very much mind the process, though.   

But transformation is what He's after.  Not behaviour modification.  Not pretense.  Not perfectionism.  Not self-improvement.    What He asks for is a holy surrender that leads to real change.  Inner change.  Hidden change.  Painful change.   Permanent change.  Liberating change.   

I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service.  Rom 12:1

Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts, And in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom.  Ps 51:6

For this commandment is a lamp, this teaching is a light, and the reproofs of discipline are the way to life.   Prov 6:23

So, we have to grab hold of each thing, each lie and shame and regret and stronghold that keeps us crawling around on the ground, and release it to Him so He can grow new truths that will enable us to soar.    Gotta die to that stuff like the caterpillar, eh?   Ouch!  This dying is painful.   

The lifting of the shame is liberating and I'm grateful.   When all you feel is the weight of the shame, often referred to in the Word as despair or condemnation, you can't be free.   I'm not meant to carry that and yet so many of us do and think it's from Him.

But He doesn't condemn - He convicts.  (Rom 8:1, Heb 4:12)

He doesn't humiliate - He brings low and then He exalts.   (1 Sam 2:7)

He doesn't push us down - He lifts our head and crowns us with love and compassion.  (Ps 103:4)

But something else is becoming obvious as well.   This blanket of shame that I have lived under all my life, has hidden MY sin from my eyes.      So, when He lifts that shame off, the light gets in and  I'm able to see MY part in those significant life events and traumas and relationships, MY part that compounded the problem.   That's really challenging because it's easier to blame it all on a someone or a something.  

In the middle of a painful unpacking, it's hard to admit (to yourself) that you added to it or even caused some of it.    But I can't move forward if I don't acknowledge ALL of it.   And I so badly want to move forward and be done with this valley.    As always, in His faithfulness and justice, He provides a way out and the promise is here:   

If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.  1 John 1:8,9

Those I love, I rebuke and discipline. Therefore be earnest and repent. Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in and dine with him, and he with Me.  Rev 3:19,20 

Repentance is a gift.   It leads to renewal and refreshment.    We avoid it, we cringe at it, we don't often talk about it or hear sermons about it, but it's the only way forward from being stuck in patterns of thinking and behaviour, and stuck in cycles of guilt, fear, shame and regret.   It really is the only way forward. 

In our small group study recently, we realised that God doesn't talk much about regret.    He doesn't ask us to say sorry; He asks us to BE sorry - to repent.  He calls us to turn around, go in a different direction, be transformed and renewed, to receive mercy (for sin) and grace (power to live right).  

I want to be in that place of dining with Him that's mentioned in those verses.    I've known His discipline (the carving and the shaking) and His rebuke (specific conviction) and that place of intimacy is opening up more and more.    Like any relationship, it's built on trust and honesty, not on hiding.    I don't want to deceive myself or try and deceive Him.    In reality, I'm the only one believing the lies.  He knows the truth.   When His light shines on something, I can withdraw and justify, or I can stand and face it - face Him.   

When I seek His face, He is my light and He is my mirror.   I see my reflection in His face, all of it.  And it's not all pretty.  The rebukes sting.   But in that same face, I also find the compassion of a Father who knows I am dust and isn't surprised by any of it.   

Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice!   Have mercy also upon me, and answer me.

When You said, “Seek My face,”  My heart said to You, “Your face, Lord, I WILL seek.”  Ps 27:7,8

As always, a song to offer as a prayer.   

Here I am, I am ready to receive, everything You want in me, there is more....

Oh that You would find my faith an open door...