You know, you can carry shame and not know it. It's very, very real, like the air you breathe. It becomes so much a part of your thinking, your demeanour, your identity, like skin-tight clothing, that you don't recognise what it is or how it works. It's your normal. You can't imagine being without it because you don't remember a time when you didn't feel IT and carry IT and 'know' these things about yourself.
At some point in your adult life, you realise that other people haven't experienced IT. You look at them, often with deep envy, and realise that they honestly have no idea what it's like to feel this weight all.the.time, to have shame play a huge part in the way they view themselves, the way they relate to others.
Shame affects the way you relate to everyone, including close friends. You always wonder what they're thinking, why they're being so nice to someone who's so dirty and broken, and when that's going to end, when they'll run out of 'nice', as many already have. Shame destroys trust, undermines relationships, steals identity, damages your children.
But your closest friends, the ones that can see past the facade, the glossy, acceptable stuff, the striving, the just-under-the-surface insecurities, the ones that push in there - they see and they love you anyway. These friends are like gold - rare, to be treasured. You keep expecting them to finally wake up and realise and disappear. But, they see the gold in you and they give you grace and speak truth. Sadly, that truth often bounces off the shame, but they speak it anyway, until you can receive it. And The Good Shepherd pursues you, relentlessly, until you will let Him have it and replace it with His hard-won dignity.
Shame can come on you because of what's done to you and spoken over you. Abuse always brings shame with it, always - because you're being used and devalued, instead of cherished. Shame can attach itself to a family, so it is something you're just born into. Shame is something you can pass on to your children, albeit unwittingly. Shame can attach itself to you when you engage in hidden, addictive or sinful behaviours. Shame can be something you absorb through trauma and never let go of.
But it doesn't have to stay that way, even if it's been that way all.your.life, as it has for me.
My shame wasn't from something I did, but something that was done to me, and spoken over me, repeatedly, for years, by a parent who should have embraced, and reflected love and acceptance. Instead I was repulsive to her, because of a skin condition I didn't understand and that she couldn't fix. Shame became my belief system, part of my identity, part of the very fabric of who I was.
I have not known life without it - until now. But God.....
He redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion... Ps 103:4
I recently shared my childhood experiences with some close friends in a time of prayer, this condition that caused me deep shame, from a very early age, throughout childhood and adolescence. Shame has been so familiar to me. Others saw it and sensed it, especially in my adolescence, and it became a place of vulnerability that left me open to bullying and intimidation. It was a huge part of my identity and 'leper' was not an uncommon word in my high school experience.
Speaking out the words about that time in my life, which lasted years, and was dotted by specific traumatic incidents, was one of the hardest things I've faced in this whole healing journey. Giving voice to those specific traumatic incidents, speaking out those images and feelings, was almost impossible because it felt like I would be cementing what I despised about myself. I felt like shame was going to finally take me under.
Sharing that with friends who might finally realise how dirty I was, was a huge, calculated risk. I nearly backed out several times. Instead, surprisingly, the power was taken from it. Yes, speaking out these things strips them of their hidden power, especially when those listening do NOT agree with your view of yourself as dirty and disgusting, words buried deep in my soul. Their unflinching acceptance of me began the healing. And the healing continued as the lies and the half-truths came to the surface and were skimmed off in prayer - powerful, healing prayer.
During that time of prayer, this passage was read out.
While Jesus was in one of the towns, a man came along who was covered with leprosy. When he saw Jesus, he fell with his face to the ground and begged him, “Lord, if you are willing, You can make me clean.” Jesus reached out His hand and touched the man. “I am willing,” He said. “Be clean!” And immediately the leprosy left him.
“I am willing,” “Be clean!”
Those words became life to me. Life and power that blew away that shame that I've carried for many, many years, since early childhood. It broke the power of something that was so strong and deep and debilitating. It was like Jesus was standing right there, speaking those words to me! Because He was, in the person of the Holy Spirit. As Paul read those words of truth out to me, I had a new truth - I was clean. For the first time since early childhood. Clean! I'd never known that. That shame was gone! Jesus had shown Himself willing, and able, to clean and to heal.
And now, finally, surprisingly, I am free to walk with dignity, like everyone else. It still blows my mind. I didn't know it was possible for ME to walk with dignity, instead of a contrived confidence. Perhaps thinking and walking as the beloved daughter, designed on that divine drawing board, might actually be possible as I walk forward from here.
Ps 3:3 But you, Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high.
I can walk with my head held high, not in arrogance or self-righteousness, but in His grace, with the confidence and dignity that He bestows.
Jesus came to restore our dignity. That's what He did on the cross, that unfair exchange.
I love the instead verses:
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendour. Isa 61:3
I want to be an oak of righteousness, for the display of His splendour, free of shame. So I will continue to hand over any remaining shame He shows me. Just this week, He lifted another load of shame that I had been hanging onto, because I thought it was justified. It wasn't, but even if it was, I'm not meant to carry that burden that was put on me over 20 years ago. Because what I hold onto, holds onto me, and I have had enough of it. Even shame that I deserve can be brought to Him.
So, I will approach that throne of grace and mercy with a real, God-given confidence, because He tells us not to slink to His throne, but to come, boldly, as we are. And I will keep handing over and receiving forgiveness, healing, mercy, and His dignity - beauty for ashes.
Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Heb 4:16
God did not design or desire for us to carry shame. These verses speak of dignity and honour.
Isa 61:7 Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance.
Ps 34:5 Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.
For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life you inherited from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or spot. 1 Peter 1:18,19
Each time I take communion, I am reminded that my shame is no match for His cleansing flow. And so I come, as I am. Jesus, just as I am, I come.
Oh how I need Your grace
More than my words can say
Jesus I come, Jesus I come
In all my weaknesses
You are my confidence
Jesus I come, Jesus I come
I will rise, stand redeemed
Heaven open over me
To Your name eternally
Endless glory I will bring (oh)
Oh what amazing love
"Gold in you" indeed. "Strength and dignity are her clothing." (Proverbs 31) xx
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