I don't know if you've ever driven on a muddy, slippery road. It's a challenging experience and not one I willingly line up for. You have to drive in the ruts or end up slipping off and potentially staying stuck in the table drain until someone pulls you out. You have to gain enough momentum to keep you moving, but not too much, or you're slipping off sideways.
Recently, I felt myself slipping. Only I wasn't driving. I was trying to stay on this journey that God has had me on for months now. This journey of healing and being whole.
And I felt myself slipping into a rather dark place. Some might call it PTSD. Others might call it depression. For others, maybe it's just a pit of grief and sadness and disappointment and despair.
I somehow knew I was going to end up here, but I couldn't stop the slide and now I'm bogged and I need some help to get out. Now that I'm down in the table drain, I recognise it as an all-too-familiar place. I've been here before, sometimes for years.
Maybe that's why it was too easy to slip back here. Because it's familiar and normal, and it was so very hard to stay on track. I thought I was done in this table drain, but no. I was going okay, too. I had momentum, it was all moving forward okay. I felt stronger, safer, less alone, more aware.
How did I get here again? How? I had to revisit, literally, a place where some of my PTSD started and was never resolved. I didn't by choice, but rather by obligation. And this time I recognised, for the first time in raw detail, that I didn't imagine it (the trauma), didn't make it up, didn't overstate it, that it's real and it's affected me deeply - emotionally, spiritually, mentally and even physically.
Because it's never been resolved, and therefore there's no guaranteed way of preventing it from happening again, given the same circumstances, it was all too easy to slip. Ancient history is different. You KNOW you won't have to go back there. I don't go into that childhood bedroom in that childhood house now, because I don't need to. One day, I'll need to sort through my parents' stuff but it won't be the same and I won't be alone or powerless.
But this trauma, this is different. I can't predict if this trauma will happen again or to what level.
Being in that physical place again, I hit overwhelm. By day four, it was all too hard. I remembered too much. I felt it all over again, still with no way of resolving any of it. Just pretending I was okay. Pretending it didn't happen. Pretending it didn't matter, that because we've moved on, that it was over. Pretending that my pain isn't real. The pretense wasn't working for me any more. I had to get out and retreat to a safer space.
It's not over, not really. I've buried the pain alive - because I had to. And now that I've revisited that place, it's all fresh and raw and very much alive, only it's not buried so deep.
I've revisited the place before and not felt it to this level. Perhaps that means it's time. Perhaps because it won't stay down, it's time to face the pain and stop making excuses for it.
So, here I am, in this dark, stuck place. Perhaps what I learn here, in the table drain, for as long as it takes, means I won't find myself back here again.
I hope so. I hate it here. I was enjoying the road to freedom.
What I have found though, is that HE is here, in the table drain. He was on the road too, but He's here. He is a very present help in times of trouble. There's no condemnation for having slipped off. He hasn't gone on without me. He's sitting here, with grace and mercy for the taking.
O Lord, You have searched me and known me. You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off. You comprehend my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways. Ps 139:1-3
You have hedged me behind and before, and laid Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is high, I cannot attain it. Ps 139:5-6
Even there Your hand shall lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me. If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,” even the night shall be light about me; Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You, but the night shines as the day; The darkness and the light are both alike to You. Ps 139:10-12
So, I've put my hand up and said, 'Help!! I can't get out of here. I can't do this alone.' I'm in a dark place. I'm stuck and I can't figure out how to move up and out and get back on the road. Even that admission is progress, I suppose.
He's provided some amazing Godly men and women to pray, give wise counsel, encouragement and affirmation - again.
But, apart from providing help in His saints, He's given me truths and strategies. Perhaps they will be like the timber pieces that people often put under their wheels to get out of the bog, one piece at a time, until the vehicle is high enough out of the slop to get traction.
He could miraculously stick me back on the road, and perhaps He will, but I suspect I will learn more if He shows me HOW to get back on. Like methodically finding timber and placing it in the right places, I need to be intentional about replacing lies with truth, because as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he. (Prov 23:7). Perhaps I'll be stronger for the struggle.
So, even while I was still in that physical place, before I slipped off the road (because He knew I would), He gave me this Psalm and said, 'You'll need the truths herein.' These truths and these declarations are my pieces of timber.
From Psalm 34:
1-2. I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul shall make its boast in the Lord; the humble shall hear of it and be glad.
I WILL bless the Lord, praise the Lord, continually. I WILL remember and boast that He is strong and good and kind and able. I WILL not speak of the trouble more than the One who is here in the trouble.
3. Oh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name together.
I WILL remind myself and others of how big God is, and how strong and able He is. I WILL lift up His name - Jehovah Jireh (my provider), Jehovah Raphe (my healer), Redeemer, Father, Emmanuel (God with us)......
4. I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.
I WILL seek Him and cry out to Him, and I WILL expose my fears, and know that He has heard me. I WILL name those fears and replace them with faith and truth, even if I feel no different.
5 They looked to Him and were radiant, and their faces were not ashamed.
I WILL look to Him, look at Him, use Him as my mirror, not someone else. I WILL surrender the shame I feel, the lies, the half-truths and I WILL lift my head.
6 This poor man cried out, and the Lord heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles.
I WILL recognise my poverty, and I WILL humbly cry out because I can't save myself. I WILL expect to be helped and wait on Him, instead of digging myself a deeper hole.
7 The angel of the Lord encamps all around those who fear Him, and delivers them.
I WILL remind myself, again, that HE is here, encamped with me, around me, behind and before, because I have sought Him and feared His name above the situation. I WILL wait for His deliverance.
8 Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who trusts in Him!
I WILL taste and see that He is good, and He is Lord over this. I've tasted it before and I WILL taste it again, here in this place. And I WILL be blessed because I am trusting Him for deliverance.
9 Oh, fear the Lord, you His saints! There is no want to those who fear Him.
I WILL fear Him above all else, because I am His. I WILL lack nothing because I fear Him, the Lord, the good Shepherd, who is here, in the thick of this battle, in the presence of my enemies.
10 The young lions lack and suffer hunger; but those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing.
I WILL not lack because I WILL seek until His provision is found. In faith, I WILL ask and keep on asking, seek and keep on seeking, knock and keep on knocking until I lack no good thing.
11. Come, you children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the Lord.
I WILL be like a child, dependent on Him, not arrogant or proud or self-sufficient. I WILL learn those lessons on the fear of the Lord, in this very place.
12-14. Who is the man who desires life, and loves many days, that he may see good? Keep your tongue from evil, and your lips from speaking deceit. Depart from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.
I want life, and good days ahead, so I WILL keep my tongue from speaking judgement and lies - about myself and others. I WILL depart from those things that have dragged me down here - judgement, unforgiveness, resentment, ignorance, wilfulness and more besides. I WILL do good to others, and seek peace and pursue peace.
15 The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and His ears are open to their cry.
I WILL hang onto the truth that His eyes are always on me and His ears are always open and I WILL cry out - in pain, in honesty, in worship, and eventually, in victory.
While I was in that physical place that was the catalyst for this table drain, He took me outside and showed me the stars. He reminded me that He made every single one of them, called them forth by name, and He calls ME forth by name.
But now, thus says the Lord, who created you, O Jacob, and He who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are Mine.
When you pass through the waters, I WILL be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour.... Isa 43:1-3
Yes, I'm in a dark place right now, but there is no dark place beyond His reach, beyond His eyes or His ears, or beyond His presence.
So..................
I know that
I'm not just hopin', I'm not just wishin'
I know I'm prayin' to a God who listens
I know He hears me, I know He's livin'
Yes, I am prayin' to a God who listens
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