Guilt, Shame, Regret. I've been thinking about these three things for a while now, and wondering how they're different, how each one works, and what the remedy is for each. And He does indeed have a remedy for each. I knew He would! I've been wanting to dig into what the Lord says about how each of these impacts us and how to move forward from them, because they all keep us in some kind of bondage. And we were made for freedom.
Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and
do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage. Galatians 5:1
And yet, guilt, shame and regret are so familiar to us, even as Christians
- so familiar in fact that we barely notice their presence. We notice them more in their absence, as
they are lifted from us, as we hand them over and He fills the spaces they
leave, with His forgiveness and dignity and grace.
I've already written here about shame and its presence and impact in my
life.
Guilt happens when we sin, when we miss the mark, through what we do or what we fail to do. And we're often guilty of things we can't even perceive as wrong. Our guilt has been paid for by the precious blood of Christ. We don't have to hang onto it, though we often do. Oh, that we would learn to keep short accounts with Him over our sin.
....for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace
through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented Christ as a sacrifice of
atonement, through the shedding of his blood – to be received by faith. Romans 3:23-25
But who can discern their own errors?
Forgive my hidden faults. Ps
19:12
If we're walking with the Lord, guilt comes with conviction, which is
specific to the sin, and leads us to ask for forgiveness and to receive it. That is His way forward.
For day and night your hand was heavy on me; my strength was sapped as in
the heat of summer. Then I acknowledged
my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to
the Lord.’ And you forgave the guilt of
my sin. Ps 32:4,5
Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Ps 139:23,24
But what about regret? It's
different to shame, different to guilt.
What is it and how do we deal with it in a Godly way?
These are a couple of definitions I found: to regret is to feel sad, repentant, or
disappointed over (something that one has done or failed to do), to feel sorry
about a situation, especially something sad or wrong or a mistake that you have
made.
Regret is about seeing the consequences of our decisions or mistakes. Sometimes we're simply disappointed that we've
fallen short of our own standards.
Sometimes we regret the impact our words or actions have had on our
reputation or dignity.
We don't have to live long to accumulate regrets. We do the wrong thing and we make decisions
and mistakes, but they often do much more than just damage our reputation. Oftentimes our sin, our decisions and
mistakes really hurt people - people entrusted to us, people close to us,
people we were supposed to love.
Sometimes our actions have long-lasting consequences that we can't undo,
can't fix, can't ignore. Regret often
weighs heavily on us.
What I really wanted to think through was how to move forward from regret,
because so many of us feel it and carry it, and get stuck under it. It paralyses us and we often carry it like a
martyr, thinking we deserve it or that we're doing Him a service. But He doesn't tell us to carry regret. I can't find that command in the Word.
He doesn't even tell us to say sorry.
He tells us to BE sorry, to repent and move forward. Repentance is His remedy for regret.
Now I rejoice, not that you were made sorry, but that your sorrow led to
repentance. For you were made sorry in a godly manner, that you might suffer
loss from us in nothing. For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to
salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death. For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What
diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation,
what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! In all things you
proved yourselves to be clear in this matter.
2 Cor 7:9-11
I want THAT kind of regret, that follows HIS way forward and doesn't get
stuck in a slow death - cut off from Him, thinking that the regret itself is
from Him, disappointed only because I've fallen short of my own standards.
Beyond regret and repentance is often the need for restitution and
reconciliation. The Lord tells us to
make restitution, where possible, and to put things right where we can.
‘Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember
that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in
front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer
your gift. Matt 5:23,24
But Zacchaeus stood up and said to the Lord, ‘Look, Lord! Here and now I
give half of my possessions to the poor, and if I have cheated anybody out of
anything, I will pay back four times the amount.’ Jesus said to him, ‘Today salvation has
come to this house, because this man, too, is a son of Abraham. For the Son of Man came to seek and to save
the lost.’ Luke 19:8-10
Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Carefully consider what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible on your part, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:17,18
And then there is redemption. Only He is able to redeem our brokenness, fill in the holes left by our sin, to make the rough places smooth, to bring life out of death, to put right things that we can't. I'm sure Joseph's brothers carried a lot of regret over their decision to sell Joseph to slave traders. But God. What they meant for evil, God meant for good.
In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace. Eph 1:7
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love
him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
Every valley shall be raised up, every mountain and hill made low; the
rough ground shall become level, the rugged places a plain. And the glory of the Lord will be
revealed... Isa 40:4,5
When I first started to put down thoughts about regret, on scraps of paper, it was just theory and that was only a few days ago. But now, faced with yet another long-term relational issue that has blown up just this week, I find that it is far from theory. Right now, I NEED to know what to do with regret. I suddenly find myself with regret from years’ worth of trying too hard to fix something that I had no real power to fix. I find that I am faced with so many regrets, and something so broken that I've finally, reluctantly, out of sheer exhaustion, handed to Him and admitted, to myself more than anyone, that 'I can't do this anymore'.
I found myself saying those words, words I never thought I'd let myself
say, to my dear friend and sister-in-law when she let me know what was
happening. And with that admission,
came a flood of 'failures', again, and memories so painful that driving to town
was once again difficult (note to self - keep tissues on the front seat of the
car!). So much pain from trying to be
something for people that HE never asked me to be - to appease them, to win
their favour, to 'love' them, or maybe to just avoid the fallout. The anger at the unfairness of their
demands, the damage they've done to each other, to my brothers, but also to me,
the weight of that burden that I've carried for so long, the potential anger
and rejection that will no doubt be voiced in the coming weeks, the pain of
their brokenness, and ours - it all came crashing in. Facing all of that, finally, was
hard. And I sure didn't see it coming. Just a random phone call, on an ordinary day,
that opened the floodgates of buried pain, yet again.
But, after that wave of pain settled, my default was regret. Regret that I haven't done more, haven't
been enough, haven't tried hard enough, haven't fixed it, haven't saved
them. I've fallen short of my own
standards and expectations, failed my own vows to stop them hurting themselves
and each other. So many of my regrets
are based on MY ability, or lack thereof, to do the impossible.
I'm so incredibly grateful that the Lord had gone ahead of me that day and
organised for me to spend time with a Godly friend, within an hour or so of the
phone call, because we just happened to have an appointment anyway.
In talking through the situation with her, I found myself voicing even more
regret that in trying to do the impossible, I probably made their situation
worse. Regret compounded is an even
heavier burden to carry. She was able
to show me that their demands and my expectations of myself were unreasonable. I can finally see that the weight of their
demands and my own vows and expectations, have created a slow, internal bleed
that needs to STOP. Once again, I feel so much like the woman haemorrhaging, who just needs to touch the hem of His garment.
So, where to from here? I need His
perspective on it and I need to let go of these regrets. I can just dismiss them as a package deal,
and say everything I've done is fine because I tried, because I did my
best. But no, I really need to
understand where I've failed HIM - and them.
I need to repent of those things, and receive His forgiveness and His
cleansing and healing. That is the way
forward. And that is the way of
redemption.
Blessed is the one whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are
covered. Blessed is the one whose sin
the Lord does not count against them and in whose spirit is no deceit. Ps 32:1-2
Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits - who forgives
all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life
from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies
your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. Ps 103:2-5
This is the package I need - forgiveness, healing, redemption, dignity,
compassion, desires met, renewal.
I also need to understand where my feeble attempts have been unloving and
unhelpful and to STOP doing that. As
someone pointed out to me - doing what they want isn't loving them. 'Doing what they need and what they'll
probably hate you for - that's what love looks like now.'
I can see how so much of what I've done or tried to do was driven by fear,
not love, not really, and certainly not done in His strength. And so much of what I've left undone, even
recently, has been driven by resentment and exhaustion. How on earth did I think I could love them
well when carrying such an untenable load?
Image courtesy of: God Verses Man: Question of today( What Is A Man?)
I'm praying that by letting go of the regrets, and repenting of the sins
I'm still trying to understand, that He will fill those empty spaces with the
grace that enables me to love them well.
And I'm praying that I'll be able to hide in His love when they can't
love in return. Finally facing that fallout
might actually be a gateway to freedom for me, and maybe even for them.
Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of
the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God,
in whom I trust.” Ps 91:1,2
I found this beautiful song, and it sums it up so well.
So if I fall and if I fail
I will trust Your mercy is
Greater than all of this
And if I bend and if I break
I'll trust the hands that hold me are
Greater than all my regrets
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