WHAT AM I MISSING?

I've been writing every day this week. Not all of it is shareable.   

This is my writing spot for today. There are very few people around this morning. Most of the holiday makers have headed home. A few of the locals have come down for a dip.   

The Lord started speaking to me yesterday morning about another lack - the lack of a husband.  

Mmm

Some might say that I could hardly complain when I was the one who got out.  

But from what I've seen of married couples over the last five years, it's not Dave I'm missing or feeling the lack of. I've seen some healthy things that were lacking in my marriage even when we were together, that have made me realise how rich married life can be.   

From what I've seen in other marriages and what I've seen in Dave in the last few years, I've realised that he was both unwilling and incapable of being a husband with a healthy marriage. Oh he wanted to at times, but his want to always, always, always tripped up at the feet of his idols. And his brokenness means he's actually incapable of more. 

That could change if he allows the Lord to have his heart and heal it. That's no longer my responsibility. That was a responsibility I had to surrender and the Lord had to prise my fingers off that one.   

So, what am I lacking now? He wants to show me and I believe it's because, before we can bring our lack to the Lord, we need to recognise that we do indeed have a lack, even if we don't understand the depth and breadth of that lack.    I often measure the lack by what I'm missing, though I'm sure He sees it much more clearly.  

I'm missing a companion - someone to do daily life with, to discuss the mundane things of life with, to share the daily highs and lows with.   

I'm missing someone to share the workload with and to fix things that are broken, to solve the problems that come with running a household, to do the heavy lifting.  

I'm missing someone who actually pursues me and enjoys my company, and makes the effort to be with me, who doesn't find me too much.    

I'm missing someone who accepts me as is, without judgement and criticism and perfectionism, but always with the encouragement to aim higher.  

I'm missing someone who finds me beautiful, who is comfortable with me being female and dressing like one, who likes my hair and my shape and my style, who doesn't compare me to his mother or a pin up picture of some stranger in a bikini.   

I'm missing a partner to parent the girls with. There are some days, more than others, that I feel that lack keenly. I'm missing someone to share the parenting joys and burdens with, of all of my children. I'm missing someone to share the joys of grandparenting with.   

I'm missing a spiritual leader to cover and lead me and the girls. It's exhausting and often overwhelming when you have to do that alone. I'm missing someone to simply hold my hand and pray for me.  

I'm missing someone to make decisions with. I often struggle with the weight of responsibility for making decisions and living with the consequences.   

I'm missing someone to serve the Lord with, someone who wants what He wants and whose daily choices reflect that.

I'm missing someone who recognises my gifts and supports me in that, someone who sees what I have to offer and values that, and isn't threatened by it.   

I'm missing somewhere to belong, someone to come home to when everyone else goes home with their partner or to their partner.  I'm missing someone to simply hold me when I'm tired or in pain or lonely.  

I'm missing having a friend who lives with me - every day. I'm simply missing someone to talk to about anything and everything.   

I'm sure there's more. Each of these things holds a level of pain that's both historic and current. Perhaps that's why He is digging into it. I would quite happily leave it alone but I find myself reacting in current relationships because of this pain, and I have been praying that He would get to the bottom of that.   

One of the key passages and promises He gave me when He asked me to get out of that boat made me realise that He was asking to be my Husband in this next season of my life.   

The whole of Isaiah 54 is profound but I have picked out a few pieces that are relevant to this post.    

“Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed;

Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame;

For you will forget the shame of your youth,

And will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore.

For your Maker is your husband,

The Lord of hosts is His name;

And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel;

He is called the God of the whole earth.

For the Lord has called you

Like a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit,

Like a youthful wife when you were refused,”

Says your God. Isa 54:4-6

“O you afflicted one,

Tossed with tempest, and not comforted,

Behold, I will lay your stones with colorful gems,

And lay your foundations with sapphires.

I will make your pinnacles of rubies,

Your gates of crystal,

And all your walls of precious stones.

All your children shall be taught by the Lord,

And great shall be the peace of your children.

In righteousness you shall be established;

You shall be far from oppression, for you shall not fear..... Isa 54:12-14

No weapon formed against you shall prosper,

And every tongue which rises against you in judgment

You shall condemn.

This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord,

And their righteousness is from Me,”

Says the Lord. Isa 54:17

These are great and precious promises that I have to keep coming back to when I am struggling with the aloneness of my situation.   He has promised to heal, redeem and restore me.

So I will lean in even harder. His invitation in this new season is to discover Him more deeply.     As much as a human would be nice and convenient, His invitation is for more.  He is the One who delights in me and to whom I truly belong, the One who sees all and loves anyway.   

It's good to understand the lack because it allows me to come to Him like those who came looking for healing when He walked this earth - with an exposed need and an expectation for healing.   

Like I've said in a previous post, we need to come broken, not pretending or thinking we're fine, that we've got it all sorted.   

I'm listening to this song again. I come back to it often.   

This I know

At the whisper of Your name

There is peace I can't explain

I am fearless, I am safe

Here with You, here with You

Every promise that You speak

Every word is life to me

I am breathless, I'm in awe

Here with You, here with You

I'll wait until the stars come out

After all the storms have passed

A hope above the skies

Hope within Your everlasting Word