I was walking along the breakwall and sitting on the rocks this morning, listening to worship songs that declare God's strength and goodness and faithfulness.
After nearly three years of a major legal struggle, I'm finally free to move forward.
Four years ago, the Lord made it very clear, again, I was to 'get out of the boat' and walk on the water towards Him. It was so contrary to everything I had been taught or told for decades.
He promised to be the One who would hold me up.
Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ Isa 41:10
That was His promise to me and He has done exactly that. I have come to know this I AM that grabbed my arm every time I was sinking.
......instantly He spoke to them, saying, Take courage! I Am! Stop being afraid! Matt 14:27
But back then I had to choose to step out. That boat was my financial and practical security, and I had no idea how to survive without it.
All I had known since I was 17 was that boat.
At 15 I had decided to get serious about following Jesus and be all in.
At nearly 17, I met Dave, a Christian man and when I was 19, we married. I was very young, immature, naive and broken. Turns out, so was he.
I was coming out of a dysfunctional and abusive family, and Dave was the one I looked to for everything.
And while I was in love with him, and serious about our marriage, he was also my ticket out of a toxic situation.
Expecting him to be my everything was a bad idea. That was too much weight to put on one person. But it's what we do instead of looking to the Lord.
And we built a life together for over 30 years.
He went through stages of walking closely with the Lord; other times not so much.
Once we moved to the farm, which had been his ultimate goal, things started to shift from following the Lord closely.
Many of his rumbling wounds came to the surface in full force. He started consistently making choices that damaged me, our relationship and our children.
We became the enemy, the point of frustration, the reason he wasn't hitting his goals as fast as he wanted.
I lost my husband to that place. My girls lost their dad. The place itself is beautiful but it became the other woman in our relationship, and the idol. Idols demand so much and cause us to justify harmful choices.
He was committed to me and the children, and committed to his job because it paid the bills. He worked long hours and was committed to providing our basic needs. But his first love was the farm and it still is.
He has consistently chosen it over us when given opportunities to choose differently. Eventually the Lord said 'enough'.
There are times and seasons - often years - when God gives you the grace to stay. But for some, there comes a time when God gives you the faith to go. We have to discern the times and seasons.
I went to the farm last weekend to gather up the rest of my things. I put the most precious things in my car and perhaps he'll bring the rest to me sometime.
I was very aware that most of those things were bought with his wages and that's how he saw it. But I've learnt that the Lord doesn't measure contribution in just dollar terms. As it turns out, neither does Australian law. It recognises the contribution made by a stay-at-home wife, mother, housekeeper, and business partner.
One of my previous visits to the farm, several years ago now, made me realise that the farm was the 'other woman'. That revelation was what made me realise that I was hearing the Lord correctly - it was time to get out.
But she didn't just come before me - she came before his children and his heavenly Father. And that breaks my heart.
Because he is missing out on so much.
And so are we.
We are picking up the pieces but some days, my goodness, it's tough because my girls need a dad .
But God! The Father is the source of all that we need and He provides our needs in various ways and sometimes He does that through His people.
My challenge now is to lean in more closely, and not rely on myself, even if our financial situation has markedly improved.
My other priority is to teach my girls to look first to Him and expect Him to be the Father they long for.
So many people are now asking me 'what now?', including my teenage girls. I don't know.
But I know that the God who has been stronger and more present than this breakwall isn't going anywhere and doesn't change.
He knows our every need. He sees our every lack. He will show me what next. He is the good Father who leads and speaks and gives wisdom.
I don't know what the future holds, but I know Who holds the future, and that is enough for today.
I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.
Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord! Psalm 27:13,14
As I wrote this post, this song was playing. I think it's very fitting.
Look at the flowers in all of their beauty
I don't have to wonder, You know what You're doing
So why would I worry at all when You're faithful to supply?
Everything I need, everything I need
My Father has it, my Father has it
And every single time the Lord will provide
My Father has it, my Father has it
Look at the sparrow, lacking for nothing
No fear of tomorrow and what it will bring
If I have You, I have enough
Your love will satisfy
Everything I need, everything I need
My Father has it, my Father has it
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