POLITE DISHONESTY

When I saw the Five Minute Friday prompt word, POLITE, one phrase was running through my head:  

POLITE DISHONESTY

It’s rife in the church, in families, even Christian families.

Partly because we’re taught to be nice and polite.      

But Jesus wasn’t nice.  And He wasn’t polite.

He was genuinely kind.   He was gracious.   He was truthful.   He was honest.

He didn’t agree with things verbally that he disagreed with internally.

He didn’t go along with something to get along with someone. 

He asked questions that made people look at the truth behind behaviour and performance.

He was prepared to disappoint people to stay true to His identity and His Father’s purposes.

He offered grace, but always with the truth being spoken.   

Then Jesus said to those Jews who believed Him, “If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed.   And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”  John 8:31,32 

Jesus didn’t try to keep the peace.

He didn’t tell us to keep the peace.

He told us to be peacemakers, not peace keepers.

So many of us have learnt and decided to keep the peace by politely agreeing with the disagreeable, even when we know it’s wrong. 

A quote that helped me immensely a few years ago is this:   If you avoid conflict to keep the peace, you start a war inside yourself. 

And so many of us do just that.  

Our polite dishonesty has created internal conflict, and external tension, and it certainly isn’t real peace.  

Polite dishonesty is not truthful.  And it doesn’t allow grace to operate, because grace cannot rest on lies.  

Polite dishonesty is based on lies.  

If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.   1 John 1:8

For grace to be activated, truth has to be the starting point.

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.  1 John 1:9 

but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head – Christ……  Eph 4:15

Walking in real fellowship requires honesty – about ourselves to start with.   Honesty with Him.  And with each other.   That’s where growth happens.   And it’s often messy and uncomfortable and painful. 

But there’s grace for that.  

Mercy and truth have met together;
Righteousness and peace have kissed.  Ps 85:10 

Let not mercy and truth forsake you;
Bind them around your neck,
Write them on the tablet of your heart,

And so find favour and high esteem
In the sight of God and man.  Prov 3:3,4 

I’ve seen so much of this polite dishonesty in my own life, in the lives of family, friends, and acquaintances, Christian and otherwise.   In fact, I find non-Christians are often more honest about things because they’re not constrained by the notion of being ‘nice’. 

Polite dishonesty frustrates me because I can see how much damage it does, and how much it limits the growth of healthy relationships.

We don’t deal with what’s bugging us or hurting us in relationships.   So we withdraw, become distant, give up, give in, become apathetic, get cranky and resentful and touchy.   Sometimes we even keep performing to make it seem everything is fine, or because we don’t want to upset things or make people uncomfortable (or ourselves).  

When someone asks us, ‘Have I upset you, why are you distant, why are you cranky, are you okay with this decision or that outcome?  We say, ‘Nope, nope, it’s all good, I’m fine’   

When inwardly you’re not fine.   You’re not fine at all.  

And while you won’t address the problem with the person in question, you’re happy to whinge about it elsewhere.   Guilty as charged.

So, why do we do it?   How did we get so good at polite dishonesty?

Because we’re scared of them. 

Because we’re scared of losing someone.   

Because we don’t know what we believe.

Because we don’t want to appear difficult or touchy or divisive.    

Because we don’t want to change, or address our own issues.  

Because we value our reputation over honesty.

Because we don’t know what’s actually true, only what we’ve been told.

Because when something feels off, we have been conditioned to over function, blame ourselves, bury frustration, shrink our voice, adapt – again and again. 

Because of cultural training and obligation, and a skewed sense of responsibility. 

Because we’re not honest with ourselves, let alone anyone else. 

Because we don’t know who we are and what He has called us to.

Because we consider it too much to obey Him above keeping others happy. 

Because we overestimate someone’s authority in our lives and underestimate His.  

Fear of man is a snare

The fear of man brings a snare,
But whoever trusts in the Lord shall be safe.    Prov 29:25

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.   2 Tim 1:7

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom,
And the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.  Prov 9:10

So what’s the answer?

Years ago, I was speaking to a young pastor about an issue in his church, which I had become privy to, from the sidelines, because someone was whinging to me.    There was considerable tension between two members of his congregation, and there seemed to be one trouble-maker and one passive, ‘nice’ person who was at her wits end. 

The young pastor reminded me of the passages that speak to this:

Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.  But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.   Matt 18:15,16

So watch yourselves. If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them.”  Luke 17:13

We need to go to someone who has harmed us, and caused us pain, and let them know.   And if they are willing to change, we can keep walking with them as a brother or sister.   If not, then we need to step back and realise that the connection is broken or is fairly shallow, and maybe they’re happy with that and we can live with that.   It’s good to accept the reality of someone’s capacity in a relationship and recognize the difference between expectation and reality.  

That’s okay if it’s someone you don’t see much or it’s a casual, occasional relationship.   It’s absolutely not okay if you’re in a covenant relationship with that person or they expect a deeper walk with you. 

And when we go to someone, we need to be ready and willing to hear their perspective on it and repent of where we have harmed them.    

Of course, we don't need to thrash out every annoyance in a relationship.    A lot needs to be let slide, but patterns of negative behaviour need addressing, not burying so they can fester. 

Real fellowship requires honesty.  If we want deep connection, then we need to be honest, not polite.   Walking in the light requires honesty and it requires repentance that leads to change, not just saying sorry.  

This is the message which we have heard from Him and declare to you, that God is light and in Him is no darkness at all.    If we say that we have fellowship with Him, and walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth.    But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin.  1 John 1:5-7

Polite dishonesty is walking in the darkness.  

If words are not matching actions, then it’s time to get honest.   If our words (everything is fine) are not matching our actions (distant, cool, withdrawn, faking it) then something is off.   

And fellowship dies - slowly, but surely. 

And being polite when something is off is dishonest.  

We don’t need to analyse and scrutinize every aspect of our relationships and go digging for problems.   But we need to watch our speech – both the public, polite stuff and the private whinging. 

Preaching to myself here!  

Of course, nothing in our relationships is going to work if we’re not honest with ourselves and the Lord first.

That has to be our starting point. 

I love David Benner’s book, The Gift of Being Yourself, where he talks about the need to be honest with yourself first – then you can be honest with Him and then others. 

Are we willing to be peace makers, not peace keepers?   Are we willing to have the tough conversations so that we can be honest and transparent with each other, to take risks, to be vulnerable, to strengthen connections, instead of keeping a safe distance?

Are we willing to be pure in heart, or do we want to keep hiding and telling little lies in the name of being polite?  

Blessed are the pure in heart,
For they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
For they shall be called sons of God.   Matt 5:8.9

 

I’ve shared this song before.   I think it speaks well to this issues.  

Let the truth be told!

 

 

"I'm fine, yeah, I'm fine, oh, I'm fine, hey, I'm fine"
But I'm not, I'm broken
And when it's out of control, I say "It's under control"
But it's not and You know it
I don't know why it's so hard to admit it
When being honest is the only way to fix it
There's no failure, no fall
There's no sin You don't already know
So let the truth be told