I find the week between Christmas and New Year bizarre, like living in a no man's land. You're exhausted from the lead up to Christmas, end-of-year activities, a year of school work and related activities, and you have eaten far too much festive food to feel good. You're looking back at all you've failed to do, forgotten to do, neglected to conquer, and a messy desk and chaotic house in the mix.
You're also dealing with the after-effects of spending more intense time with family and all the dynamics that go with that. This last week I've spent almost daily time with my elderly mother because she's been in our local hospital after breaking her hip. That was a different kind of exhausting on top of everything else, and once again, triggered some memories and realisations that I'd rather not look at. You think you're okay until you're faced head-on with it again. That added to the 'failures' list I had in my head.
There's also something about heading into a new year that I find overwhelming. I've been feeling overwhelmed and exhausted after this last year, and not wanting another year like it. And 1st January isn't here yet. I really wanted this in-between week to last and not have to start a new year. It's good to be free of certain responsibilities that are my reality the rest of the year, but I was not looking forward to next year with any kind of enthusiasm.
That's because I was looking at everything I have to do, to be, to change, to overcome, to move, to fix, to work at. And that is overwhelming. God never asks us to look at it all, nor to think WE have to do it all at once.
But I'm used to it being ME that has to work hard, alone, at things - being a dutiful daughter to dysfunctional and ailing parents, relationship fixing, child-raising, reaching out to hurting people, displacing loneliness for me and my younger girls, educating my girls, running a household so that everyone is thriving and everything is functional. It all takes its toll and it's exhausting to think of another year like that.
And this last year (or two) has been tough in a lot of ways. Not because anything dreadful has happened. It hasn't. But lots of dreadful things that happened years ago, right back to when I was very young, were unearthed, exposed, remembered and relived. Not because I was digging, but because HE was. The heart surgery has been intense and exhausting, but I am now physically, emotionally and spiritually much healthier than I've ever been.
I've come through all that digging healed in many ways, ways I didn't know were possible. I still have a way to go, physically, to be really well, but it's nice to have more energy and oomph, and that the excess weight is slowly shifting.
So, why the reluctance to step into a new year?
Because I was looking at MY strength and MY capacity. Because I'm so used to having to. Not because God has been unavailable, but because I'm used to relying on me. I've only recently learned how to let Him meet deep soul needs instead of filling them with other 'good' things. Part of my reluctance to move into the new year is because I know me and I know how inept I am at doing everything I need/want to do, at keeping all the plates spinning and everyone 'happy' and how many times I fall exhausted into bed at night feeling like I've failed at something that day, that week, this year.
Once again, eyes on me.
So, yesterday, I read this on Facebook, on a page that I often follow.
And it really jolted me out of that negativity, and gave me a way to look forward to this coming year. It reminded me where my eyes need to be looking. Thanks Susan.
It's all about intimacy, and therein lies the secret to thriving and living well. I don't have to work harder at getting it all right. I have to push into Him and HE will do the strengthening and empowering and leading and guiding and teaching and correcting. MY responsibility is to push in to Him, to spend daily quiet time, being still and hearing His words - that's MY choice. And I CAN do that. My responsibility is to elevate Him above myself and above others, to fear Him, not myself or others or circumstances. Not to be afraid of Him, but to put Him in His rightful place in my life. And to obey Him and His leading. In doing that, daily, consistently, I can make other good choices, but the empowering, the grace, the wisdom, comes from Elohim, Mighty God. I can walk the paths of righteousness He has for me, and go from strength to strength.
Blessed is the man whose strength is in You,
Whose heart is set on pilgrimage.
As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a spring;
The rain also covers it with pools.
They go from strength to strength;
Each one appears before God in Zion. Ps 84:5-7
One of my favourite verses to discover this last year has been this one:
But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. 1 Peter 5:10
I've seen Him do that this year, in spite of me, so why would He stop now? Duh!
The key is to continually come back to that place of intimacy, like a child - still, quiet, settled, expecting, snuggled, dwelling - daily.
This has been my phone screensaver for months, because I need to remember that every.single.morning, I need to bring my soul back to Him for healing, for refreshment, for filling, for guidance.
When you've lived through childhood abuse, you have to fight your way to that place of quiet surrender - fight against yourself and your own resistance, against your fear and your learned independence. Perhaps that's why I'm so exhausted because this year has been a fight. But He's been fighting even harder than me, for that intimacy, and He's won, because He's stronger than me, more determined than me, more persistent and powerful than my resistance.
He draws us with cords of lovingkindness, pursues us with goodness and mercy until He wins. He waits and works and He wins, because that's who He is. He doesn't force or overpower, and His strength matches His gentleness, but He IS persistent, like the relentless waves on the shore.
Recently, I found two figurines at a local op-shop (thrift shop) and I brought them home and put them in a prominent place in my bedroom. They speak very much of the last two years, but I sense that He has much more to say through them.
What I love about them is the intensity on the face of both the sculptor and the potter. It's that gaze, that intensity, that attention to detail that is both disconcerting and comforting. It reminds me of this verse that speaks of God's eyes on those who fear Him - revere Him, know Who He is, get to know Him.
Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him,
On those who hope in His mercy. Ps 33:18
So, if His eye is on me, then my eyes need to be on Him, looking to Him, focused on Him. That's where transformation happens - and tiredness lifts. I don't need strength for a year; I only need strength for today. The year will fall into place, as it does, if I keep my eyes on Him.
They looked to Him and were radiant, And their faces were not ashamed. Ps 34:5
For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matt 6:32-34
Trust in the Lord, and do good;
Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Ps 37:3
Once again, I am reminded of what He often says to me, when I'm distracted by stuff, mess, work, goals, social media, relational tensions, failures - eyes up and eyes front.
If I get the one thing right, eyes on Him, then everything else will be all right.
One thing I have desired of the LORD,
that will I seek;
that I may dwell (abide) in the house of the LORD
all.the.days of my life,
to behold the beauty of the LORD
and to inquire in His temple. Ps 27:4
From that place of child-like stillness and focus, I can move forward, one step in front of the other, as Mandisa says.
I, I'm gonna press on, press on
One step in front of the other
No looking back, no looking back
So what do I fear
God, You are with me
Guiding my steps today
Through the mountains, valleys, sun and rain
Lord, lead the way, lead the way
I will follow, I will press on
Even when the walk feels long
Your hands hold me together
Your love is with me forever
Through the broken, through the victory
I will praise You through it all
And run hard 'til the race is done
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