HEY, I'M DYING OVER HERE!

I'm writing for Five Minute Friday and this week's prompt word is LONGING.  

My poor citrus tree is longing for a drink.

I didn't notice how thirsty it was till yesterday.    We were away and the last two weeks have been very hot. Everything is drying off. 

This poor little tree is in my care and I didn't see how dry it was.    Its leaves are curling up which is never a good sign.    

I have watered down the back but it’s obviously missed out on getting what it needs.  

It reminds me of times in my life where I have been longing for some kind of attention, fellowship, connection, ministry, help, wisdom, encouragement, some kind of nurture.    Just to be seen and noticed, not just for my fruit (usefulness) but because I'm struggling.  

We can be longing and yet still not be seen, because we’re still producing fruit, still there, in the background, still part of the everyday structures in someone’s sphere of responsibility, and yet our dryness, our longing, can go unnoticed.    Sometimes we can be longing because we’re hiding behind usefulness, performance, stoicism, the mask of ‘I’m fine!’    Sometimes it’s because the ‘gardener’ is busy, distracted, tired, frustrated or just neglectful.  

This little tree sits at the back of my yard and is only just within reach of my rather sad hose, that is a pain in the neck to manage because it keeps breaking and coming off the tap.    So it’s hard to meet this tree’s needs.

But that doesn’t mean this longing little tree should be neglected.  

Why have I neglected it?   I’ve been surviving.  I’ve been distracted.   It’s been hotter than usual.    I just don’t go down that way much, though it’s not far from my clothesline.    But I noticed how dry it was because I stood in a different spot to normal.  

It leads me to realise that when we feel unseen, unnoticed, unheard, longing for some kind of connection from someone who ‘should’ notice us, because we’re in their sphere of responsibility, maybe we could pray that the Lord has them stand in a different spot, to get a fresh perspective on things, to realise, to see.  Maybe we need to just stop producing fruit, stop performing, stop striving, and just sit and wait for them to realise we’re quiet, we’re longing, we’re dry, we’re struggling.   Maybe we need to get honest enough to say, ‘Hey, I’m struggling over here!’   Sometimes that’s the correct response.   Sometimes we need to recognize the incapacity of the steward, and move on.  

This little tree can’t pick itself up and go find another person’s yard.   There have been many plants in my life that honestly should have done that!!  

This little tree doesn’t belong to me, but I need to be a good steward of its care.   It belongs to my landlord and it’s part of my agreed sphere of responsibility while I live in this house.   I’ve been trying to keep the lawn alive during this heat wave, but I have missed this poor little tree.  

I can relate to both the tree and the gardener in this scenario.  They both have responsibilities.   This poor tree is running out of oomph and I need to step up. 

If this little tree is me, my responsibility is to dig deep, yes, and be like the tree mentioned in Psalm 1.   I absolutely need to do that.  

He shall be like a tree
Planted by the rivers of water,
That brings forth its fruit in its season,
Whose leaf also shall not wither;
And whatever he does shall prosper.  Psalm 1:3 

A few years ago I would have left it at that, and put all the responsibility back onto me to solve this problem.     But if the Lord has placed me in a certain spiritual garden, then I need to recognize if my needs are consistently neglected and do something about it, rather than stoically ‘dying’ and becoming bitter and resentful.  

I need to sing out (my tree can’t do that) and I need to pray, and I need to come honestly to the gardener and say, yet again if necessary, or for the first time, ‘Hey, I’m dying over here!’   If that kind of admission is met with dismissal or judgement or abuse of power, then it’s time to find a new garden.   That’s something that everyone has to pray long and hard about, because it’s not something that should be done reactively or quickly or resentfully. 

The Lord desires that we are nourished, nurtured and are thriving, and then able to produce fruit, and not just surviving and certainly not slowly dying.   That was a revelation to me and gave me hope for the way forward. 

The Lord has directed me to these verses again and again over the last five years and they have given me a lot of hope when I thought I was ‘done’. 

The righteous shall flourish like a palm tree,
He shall grow like a cedar in Lebanon.

Those who are planted in the house of the Lord
Shall flourish in the courts of our God.

They shall still bear fruit in old age;
They shall be fresh and flourishing,

To declare that the Lord is upright;
He is my rock, and there is no unrighteousness in Him.   Psalm 92:12-15

I went looking for a song about growth and nurture in the context of being part of a church ‘garden’ or family, and this old one came up.  I grew up on Psalty and the words don’t lose their meaning because they’re decades old.   

May we be to those in our gardens what they need us to be, within the limits of our God-given responsibility, and may we have the courage to put our hands up and say, if necessary, ‘Hey, I’m dying over here!’.   

Welcome to the family,
We are glad that you have come
To share your life with us,
As we grow in love,
And may we always be to you
What God would have us be,
A family always there,
To be strong and to lean on.


May we learn to love each other
More with each new day,
May words of love be on our lips
In ev’ry thing we say.
May the Spirit melt our hearts,
And teach us how to pray,
That we might be a true family.

AN UNUSUAL WEEK

I’m writing for Five Minute Friday and this week’s prompt word is UNUSUAL. 

I’m coming at it a bit late because I’ve been away. 

I’ve been having an unusual week, actually.   

We’ve been on the coast for a long-awaited holiday.  

I’ve written four blog posts in the last week, not counting this one.  That’s rather unusual for me.  Most weeks, I’m struggling to write one.   

I left home with a heaviness that I’ve carried for many months.   I wish I could say it was an unusual heaviness – it wasn’t.   It’s been there for quite a while but a few things had compounded to make it unusually heavy.

There have been quite a few relationship issues with people in my close circle and honestly, most of them are unaware of how much I’ve been struggling on that one, or what with exactly.   I wasn’t sure myself.

There has been the ongoing legal battle, which got rather nasty just before Christmas, again, and was like another stab in the back.   Thankfully the battle itself is over and I can now move forward, financially.   Hopefully I can leave the emotional and spiritual baggage of that behind, but it’s never that simple, eh?   The financial stuff feels like the easy bit.  

And then my father passing away brought all sorts of stuff to the surface for me.  We weren’t close in the end, and that was his choice, but it was a catalyst for more processing.      

The Lord told me mid-January to get ready for a holiday, and to go in the last week of January, not to wait until February, which is when we usually go, because the accommodation is cheaper then.   It’s very unusual for me to plan a holiday in peak holiday season.  And honestly, I had no idea how we were going to afford it because we were down to our last week’s worth of rent. 

Everything shifted just two days before we were due to go, in the last available time slot that we had before we needed to be back here.   Everything fell into place at the last minute, in unusual ways. 

And so we went and I knew the Lord wanted me to get quiet with Him - a lot.   He wanted to shift and lighten that heaviness.   

When something is off, in relationships, all we can do is our part, and that’s what He started working on.  We can’t change someone else’s behaviour or their view of us.   We can change what we tolerate.   We can change our mindset.  We can learn what our expectations and frustrations are and what our part needs to be.  

Turns out, I had a lack mindset.   I grew up begging for scraps – scraps of time, money, effort, affection, clothes, etc.   While my marriage was financially more secure, the relationship was still one of begging for scraps of time and effort and affirmation.   But that was his childhood too.  You can’t give generously when you haven’t known generosity, just performance.  

You can’t give generously in any area of life when your own capacity is limited.  

Many of us have not known generosity in our key relationships.   We’ve known hardship, struggle, just getting by, just having enough, over functioning to receive anything.   Many of us have been taught and have taught that that is humility and holiness.  

But that’s not who God is.  That’s not the kind of relationship He wants with us.    That's not how He wants us to value ourselves. 

And this is not about the prosperity gospel.  This is about understanding the nature of God.  He is not a stingy God.   He is not a stingy Father.  It’s not about money.  It’s about a God who sees and a God who knows, and who is able and willing to give more than we can ask, think or imagine.  

Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us,  Ephesians 3:20

Is it unusual for us to live in that abundance?  I think for many of us it is, but it shouldn’t be.  

Just yesterday, my 13yo was reading this verse out loud to me from a mini-Bible she found on our travels.

But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.    Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.  Matt 6:33,34

Of course, before that key verse, that we’ve all heard and quoted, are many other verses of Jesus telling us about the Father’s intimate knowledge and love for us.  

Don’t worry about clothes.

Don’t worry about food.

Don’t strive after money.

Lay up treasures in heaven. 

But you, when you pray, go into your room, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly.  Matt 6:6

The Father longs for us to be in the secret place with Him, and He longs to fill every need, restore every lack, be the strength of our capacity, and to stretch it to accommodate others. 

So if we have had a lack in any area of our lives, we need to get back to the source – the Father.  

For many of us, that is unusual.   Instead, we’ve learned to fill those lacking spaces with stuff, money, food (very acceptable addiction in Christian circles), entertainment, work (an applauded addiction), substances, and so the list goes on.   Most of those things aren’t evil in themselves but they should never be our source. 

I said in a previous blog post that we need to come to Him broken. 

I think we also need to come empty.

We need to recognize our emptiness and our lack.   That’s where things start to shift for us.  Because then, He gets to fill it, not something else, not somebody else.  

I can honestly say I’ve come home considerably lighter than when I left.   And it’s not just because the financial burden has lifted for now.   

Recognizing lack is painful, but it is the starting place to receive from Him.    He has poured into those empty places, some of them long-standing empty places, and things are shifting.  

it's been an unusual week, but it's been a good one, and a reset we all desperately needed.  

 

This song is a powerful reminder that He is the source of our abundance in every area. 

There is healing in the power of the Lord Most High
There is courage in the shadow of His wings
There is peace unending over all my life
There is freedom that washes over me

I find all I need here in Your presence, Lord
I open up my soul and You fill me up with
All I need here in Your presence, Lord
Where blessings overflow
There's always abundantly more

There is rest in the goodness of the Lord my God
There is treasure in the kindness of my King
There is comfort in knowing Your unfailing love
My Provider, You set my spirit free

More than I could ask or seek, more than I could fathom
God, Your love for me is better than I imagined

 

 

 

WHAT AM I MISSING?

I've been writing every day this week. Not all of it is shareable.   

This is my writing spot for today. There are very few people around this morning. Most of the holiday makers have headed home. A few of the locals have come down for a dip.   

The Lord started speaking to me yesterday morning about another lack - the lack of a husband.  

Mmm

Some might say that I could hardly complain when I was the one who got out.  

But from what I've seen of married couples over the last five years, it's not Dave I'm missing or feeling the lack of. I've seen some healthy things that were lacking in my marriage even when we were together, that have made me realise how rich married life can be.   

From what I've seen in other marriages and what I've seen in Dave in the last few years, I've realised that he was both unwilling and incapable of being a husband with a healthy marriage. Oh he wanted to at times, but his want to always, always, always tripped up at the feet of his idols. And his brokenness means he's actually incapable of more. 

That could change if he allows the Lord to have his heart and heal it. That's no longer my responsibility. That was a responsibility I had to surrender and the Lord had to prise my fingers off that one.   

So, what am I lacking now? He wants to show me and I believe it's because, before we can bring our lack to the Lord, we need to recognise that we do indeed have a lack, even if we don't understand the depth and breadth of that lack.    I often measure the lack by what I'm missing, though I'm sure He sees it much more clearly.  

I'm missing a companion - someone to do daily life with, to discuss the mundane things of life with, to share the daily highs and lows with.   

I'm missing someone to share the workload with and to fix things that are broken, to solve the problems that come with running a household, to do the heavy lifting.  

I'm missing someone who actually pursues me and enjoys my company, and makes the effort to be with me, who doesn't find me too much.    

I'm missing someone who accepts me as is, without judgement and criticism and perfectionism, but always with the encouragement to aim higher.  

I'm missing someone who finds me beautiful, who is comfortable with me being female and dressing like one, who likes my hair and my shape and my style, who doesn't compare me to his mother or a pin up picture of some stranger in a bikini.   

I'm missing a partner to parent the girls with. There are some days, more than others, that I feel that lack keenly. I'm missing someone to share the parenting joys and burdens with, of all of my children. I'm missing someone to share the joys of grandparenting with.   

I'm missing a spiritual leader to cover and lead me and the girls. It's exhausting and often overwhelming when you have to do that alone. I'm missing someone to simply hold my hand and pray for me.  

I'm missing someone to make decisions with. I often struggle with the weight of responsibility for making decisions and living with the consequences.   

I'm missing someone to serve the Lord with, someone who wants what He wants and whose daily choices reflect that.

I'm missing someone who recognises my gifts and supports me in that, someone who sees what I have to offer and values that, and isn't threatened by it.   

I'm missing somewhere to belong, someone to come home to when everyone else goes home with their partner or to their partner.  I'm missing someone to simply hold me when I'm tired or in pain or lonely.  

I'm missing having a friend who lives with me - every day. I'm simply missing someone to talk to about anything and everything.   

I'm sure there's more. Each of these things holds a level of pain that's both historic and current. Perhaps that's why He is digging into it. I would quite happily leave it alone but I find myself reacting in current relationships because of this pain, and I have been praying that He would get to the bottom of that.   

One of the key passages and promises He gave me when He asked me to get out of that boat made me realise that He was asking to be my Husband in this next season of my life.   

The whole of Isaiah 54 is profound but I have picked out a few pieces that are relevant to this post.    

“Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed;

Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame;

For you will forget the shame of your youth,

And will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore.

For your Maker is your husband,

The Lord of hosts is His name;

And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel;

He is called the God of the whole earth.

For the Lord has called you

Like a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit,

Like a youthful wife when you were refused,”

Says your God. Isa 54:4-6

“O you afflicted one,

Tossed with tempest, and not comforted,

Behold, I will lay your stones with colorful gems,

And lay your foundations with sapphires.

I will make your pinnacles of rubies,

Your gates of crystal,

And all your walls of precious stones.

All your children shall be taught by the Lord,

And great shall be the peace of your children.

In righteousness you shall be established;

You shall be far from oppression, for you shall not fear..... Isa 54:12-14

No weapon formed against you shall prosper,

And every tongue which rises against you in judgment

You shall condemn.

This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord,

And their righteousness is from Me,”

Says the Lord. Isa 54:17

These are great and precious promises that I have to keep coming back to when I am struggling with the aloneness of my situation.   He has promised to heal, redeem and restore me.

So I will lean in even harder. His invitation in this new season is to discover Him more deeply.     As much as a human would be nice and convenient, His invitation is for more.  He is the One who delights in me and to whom I truly belong, the One who sees all and loves anyway.   

It's good to understand the lack because it allows me to come to Him like those who came looking for healing when He walked this earth - with an exposed need and an expectation for healing.   

Like I've said in a previous post, we need to come broken, not pretending or thinking we're fine, that we've got it all sorted.   

I'm listening to this song again. I come back to it often.   

This I know

At the whisper of Your name

There is peace I can't explain

I am fearless, I am safe

Here with You, here with You

Every promise that You speak

Every word is life to me

I am breathless, I'm in awe

Here with You, here with You

I'll wait until the stars come out

After all the storms have passed

A hope above the skies

Hope within Your everlasting Word

LACKING FOR NOTHING

 I was walking along the breakwall and sitting on the rocks this morning, listening to worship songs that declare God's strength and goodness and faithfulness.   

After nearly three years of a major legal struggle, I'm finally free to move forward.  

Four years ago, the Lord made it very clear, again, I was to 'get out of the boat' and walk on the water towards Him. It was so contrary to everything I had been taught or told for decades.  

He promised to be the One who would hold me up. 

Fear not, for I am with you;

Be not dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you,

Yes, I will help you,

I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ Isa 41:10

That was His promise to me and He has done exactly that. I have come to know this I AM that grabbed my arm every time I was sinking.   

......instantly He spoke to them, saying, Take courage! I Am! Stop being afraid! Matt 14:27

But back then I had to choose to step out. That boat was my financial and practical security, and I had no idea how to survive without it.  

All I had known since I was 17 was that boat.  

At 15 I had decided to get serious about following Jesus and be all in.  

At nearly 17, I met Dave, a Christian man and when I was 19, we married. I was very young, immature, naive and broken. Turns out, so was he.   

I was coming out of a dysfunctional and abusive family, and Dave was the one I looked to for everything.    

And while I was in love with him, and serious about our marriage, he was also my ticket out of a toxic situation.   

Expecting him to be my everything was a bad idea. That was too much weight to put on one person. But it's what we do instead of looking to the Lord. 

And we built a life together for over 30 years.  

He went through stages of walking closely with the Lord; other times not so much. 

Once we moved to the farm, which had been his ultimate goal, things started to shift from following the Lord closely.  

Many of his rumbling wounds came to the surface in full force. He started consistently making choices that damaged me, our relationship and our children.

We became the enemy, the point of frustration, the reason he wasn't hitting his goals as fast as he wanted.  

I lost my husband to that place. My girls lost their dad. The place itself is beautiful but it became the other woman in our relationship, and the idol. Idols demand so much and cause us to justify harmful choices.

He was committed to me and the children, and committed to his job because it paid the bills. He worked long hours and was committed to providing our basic needs. But his first love was the farm and it still is.  

He has consistently chosen it over us when given opportunities to choose differently. Eventually the Lord said 'enough'.   

There are times and seasons - often years - when God gives you the grace to stay. But for some, there comes a time when God gives you the faith to go. We have to discern the times and seasons.   

I went to the farm last weekend to gather up the rest of my things. I put the most precious things in my car and perhaps he'll bring the rest to me sometime.    

I was very aware that most of those things were bought with his wages and that's how he saw it. But I've learnt that the Lord doesn't measure contribution in just dollar terms. As it turns out, neither does Australian law. It recognises the contribution made by a stay-at-home wife, mother, housekeeper, and business partner.  

One of my previous visits to the farm, several years ago now, made me realise that the farm was the 'other woman'. That revelation was what made me realise that I was hearing the Lord correctly - it was time to get out.  

But she didn't just come before me - she came before his children and his heavenly Father. And that breaks my heart.   

Because he is missing out on so much.

And so are we.   

We are picking up the pieces but some days, my goodness, it's tough because my girls need a dad .   

But God! The Father is the source of all that we need and He provides our needs in various ways and sometimes He does that through His people.  

My challenge now is to lean in more closely, and not rely on myself, even if our financial situation has markedly improved.   

My other priority is to teach my girls to look first to Him and expect Him to be the Father they long for.   

So many people are now asking me 'what now?', including my teenage girls. I don't know.  

But I know that the God who has been stronger and more present than this breakwall isn't going anywhere and doesn't change.  

He knows our every need. He sees our every lack. He will show me what next. He is the good Father who leads and speaks and gives wisdom.   

I don't know what the future holds, but I know Who holds the future, and that is enough for today.    

I would have lost heart, unless I had believed

That I would see the goodness of the Lord

In the land of the living.

Wait on the Lord;

Be of good courage,

And He shall strengthen your heart;

Wait, I say, on the Lord! Psalm 27:13,14

As I wrote this post, this song was playing. I think it's very fitting.  

Look at the flowers in all of their beauty

I don't have to wonder, You know what You're doing

So why would I worry at all when You're faithful to supply?

Everything I need, everything I need

My Father has it, my Father has it

And every single time the Lord will provide

My Father has it, my Father has it

Look at the sparrow, lacking for nothing

No fear of tomorrow and what it will bring

If I have You, I have enough

Your love will satisfy

Everything I need, everything I need

My Father has it, my Father has it

MEN, SERIOUSLY!!

The lack He is pointing out to me and putting His finger on is the lack of healthy male input.   

Is that a thing?

Apparently it is.

In a culture that has spent decades trying to minimise the difference between males and females, God's word does the opposite.  

He made males to be sons, brothers, friends, husbands, fathers, grandfathers - in families and in His body, and in the community generally. Each of those male roles is very significant. The Word has a lot to say about each of those roles. It's just not stuck in one,  easy-to-find passage.   

His Word speaks of these roles directly and indirectly. We see them modelled throughout the story of the Bible, sometimes well and other times disastrously.   

We see the impact godly men have on their family and the following generations, on their communities and on their nations.   

We see the impact of evil men and insecure men and absent men and men misusing their power and strength.   

The significance of healthy male influence and input is spread throughout the story and it starts at the very beginning.  

He made them in His image - male and female. 

So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.  Genesis 1:27

Simple and yet profound.   

He made men to impact those around them - those in their closest relationships and those further out. 

Boys and young men and all men need healthy male input.  

Girls and young women and all women need healthy male input.  

Healthy male input early in our lives is designed to reflect the Father and lead us into close relationship with Him. He is the ultimate good Father. He is the measure of fatherly goodness in all its facets. Men are supposed to show us who He is - a good, good Father.   

A good father reflects value, sees, encourages, builds, protects, provides, affirms, provides structure and parameters, leads, guides, walks ahead, teaches, instructs, speaks the truth, trains, disciplines, holds his child accountable, loves his children, delights in his children. I'm sure there's more.   

These are the things my heavenly Father has been teaching me and restoring to me,  intentionally and intensely over the last five years. It's been going on all through my life really but I've been getting healed enough to see it, seek it and allow it.

That's who the Father is. That's how He works and longs to work.   

If we lack genuine, healthy male interaction, that lack affects us deeply. And we spend our lives hungering for it, though we can rarely recognise or name that hunger for what it is.  

How do you know you're hungering for something if you've rarely experienced it in healthy measure?

We must get to know Him and experience His presence and His reality in increasing fullness to really be whole, to fill that hunger.   

I've met quite a few people who are incredibly secure and stable because their earthly father was/is such an accurate reflection and representation of the Father's heart.    

Sadly, I've met many more who have grown up under a man who does not know or reflect the Father well at all.  

That's certainly been my reality.   

And this is the lack I believe the Lord is showing me this week in more clarity.   

We women need healthy, safe relationships with men, within the parameters set out in scripture for sons, brothers, friends, husbands, fathers, grandfathers, leaders and shepherds.  

Sometimes He asks us to be little girls, daughters, with Him, so that He can heal those parts that didn't get to grow well, those parts that were underdeveloped, misshapen, stunted, broken.   

Recently a friend said something I've heard many times from women, including myself. Men, seriously!!   

Yes, we seriously need them. Women need healthy, godly men - so do our children, families, communities, churches, governments and nations.     

While I was near the bay yesterday, I asked quite a few men if I could take their photo and told them it was for my blog. I don't know any of them. I told them I was writing a piece about the value of men in our society. Some of them said no very definitely; but most of them allowed it, even with some amusement.    

Men come in all shapes and sizes and we need them.   

And seriously, we need good men in our lives to be the sons, brothers, friends, fathers, grandfathers, mentors and leaders God designed them to be.   

But what do we do with the lack and the hunger we are left with when good men are seriously lacking in our lives?  

Seeing the problem makes you want to fix it, but you can't. Our hearts were created by Him and only He has the remedy.   

I've seen many people try to feed the hunger and numb the pain caused by the lack of healthy male input with addiction (even the culturally acceptable addictions), self-harm, harming others, striving, people pleasing, power plays, control, serving, ministry, etc. I've done much of that myself, well before I recognised the reason for it.   

None of that works, and so often it creates more pain and chaos in our lives and those we impact. And so it goes on for each generation until someone says 'enough'.  

What is the answer? This is a passage that He brings me back to regularly.  

I am the Lord your God,Who brought you out of the land of Egypt;Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it.

“But My people would not heed My voice,And Israel would have none of Me.

So I gave them over to their own stubborn heart,To walk in their own counsels.

“Oh, that My people would listen to Me,That Israel would walk in My ways!

Psalm 81:10,11

Our hearts are broken and only a good, good Father can heal them and fill the void, restore what's lacking and enable us to grow strong and secure.   

But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. 1 Peter 5:10

This man, Tim Kay, shares a short, rich insight into an often misquoted and misunderstood passage about our hearts. Tim explains that the Hebrew actually gives the meaning that our hearts are wounded and broken and only He knows them.  

“The heart is deceitful above all things,

And desperately wicked;

Who can know it?

 I, the Lord, search the heart.....

Jeremiah 17:9,10

But we have to bring our broken, hungry hearts to the Father - in humility, in trust, again and again.   

That's our part. He does the rest.   

You're a good, good Father

It's who You are, it's who You are, it's who You are

And I'm loved by You

It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am

Oh, and I've seen many searching for answers far and wide

But I know we're all searching for answers only You provide

'Cause You know just what we need before we say a word

MOVING ON FROM LACK

I'm sitting in one of my favourite spots.  

Back in the bay, watching the seagulls and pelicans, listening to the sounds of the tide coming in.

A while back, the Lord showed me that to really heal, and stop defaulting to anger and frustration, I needed to speak out my frustrations and pain - not to a person, just to Him. To actually say them out loud, with no one else around. I thought about going for long drives but that felt too claustrophobic.   

Here at the bay, I can get up early, before the girls wake up, walk along the breakwall, and the beach, and just speak. Nobody here knows me and I'm not likely to run into someone who wants to chat.   

So I'm going to do this every morning during our week here.   

This morning's verbalising has been enlightening and painful and liberating.  

There's so much that's been buried because there's been a lack of healthy processing and a lack of supportive relationship at the time that wounds were caused.  

I've processed a fair bit in the last few years, verbally, with a few people, but there's so much that I have just not said, for all sorts of reasons - self-protection and conditioning mostly.  

This holiday comes at the end of three years of a legal battle and the closure of a long season. The Lord knew we all needed it before I did, and I honestly couldn't see how we could afford it.  

But this week has seen a major shift in our circumstances , finally, and so it's time to move forward into the next season.   

But to move forward, it's necessary to let go of some long-held lack.  

Yes, lack. Lack can be something we hold onto because we're so used to it and we think it's humility.    

We hold onto it because we think it's what He wants for us.

We hold onto it because we don't truly know His heart.  

We hold onto it because it's been taught as humility and holiness.

We hold onto it because His truths have been filtered through our lived experience. 

We hold onto it because of shame, fear and guilt.  

It looks like He is going to deal with one key area of lack at a time.  

More on that tomorrow.   

The young lions lack and suffer hunger;

But those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing.  Psalm 34:10

WE HAVE TO COME BROKEN

I'm writing for Five Minute Friday and this week's prompt word is MEND. 

How do you mend a broken heart? 

You can’t.

I’ve done a lot of mending over the years, mostly men’s work clothes – men related to me and mending done in the setting of a small sewing business.  

It’s something I enjoyed doing more than altering women’s clothes, perhaps because of the challenge in it.

Men have a way of wrecking their clothes like no one else.

Their clothes are sometimes stained and smelly and in well-used condition.  

Occasionally, not very often, I would make the call that the garment was beyond repair, and it was time to invest in a new garment.   I remember on one occasion, the young man was not having it and asked for yet more patches on his well-loved shirt. 

When a garment was beyond repair, I would sometimes cut pieces off to be used for future repairs, but I have been known to throw the whole thing in the bin.

Sometimes I would have to unpick entire seams so I could get the garment onto my sewing machine and patch it properly. 

But now, I wish I knew how to mend broken hearts.   Only our good, good Father can do that. 

Only He has the know-how, the power, the understanding and the skilled gentleness for that.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.  Ps 147:3

The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit.  Ps 34:18 

And when He had opened the book, He found the place where it was written:

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me,
Because He has anointed Me
To preach the gospel to the poor;
He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted,
To proclaim liberty to the captives
And recovery of sight to the blind,
To set at liberty those who are oppressed;
To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord.”

Then He closed the book, and gave it back to the attendant and sat down. And the eyes of all who were in the synagogue were fixed on Him. And He began to say to them, “Today this Scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.”   Luke 4:17-21

Jesus came to heal people broken by the sin of others and those broken by their own sin.  

I have plenty of people in my life whose hearts are in varying degrees of brokenness, but the ones that impact me the most is seeing the brokenness in my teenage daughters.

Yesterday, my 13yo had a major meltdown.

It was over something fairly minor, but that minor thing ripped the lid off what has been bubbling away for a long time.

We talked a bit about it afterwards and have several times since.

Naming the emotions helps you understand why it’s rising so powerfully to the surface over something ‘silly’. 

Her heart is broken and mostly that manifests as anger and defensiveness.

Today she admitted being hurt and angry about the absence of a caring, consistent, protective, present and normal dad.

I think it’s the first time she’s admitted to herself that it really is bothering her.

That’s a win in itself. 

It hurts to admit your heart is broken.

Even harder to let the Father in to mend it.

That’s her next challenge.

That’s the challenge for everyone with a broken heart.

Recognise it, name it, own it - and then bring it.  

So many people recognise it, learn to name it and own it, but few bring it to the only One who can mend it.  

When we start following the Lord seriously, as she has been for the last year now, stuff starts to become obvious.  

When that happens, we can come to Him broken or we can come pretending we don’t have any problems (like the Pharisees).  

The ones who had a powerful encounter with Jesus are the ones who came broken and ready for change. 

We just need to come, broken and ready for Him to mend every part of us, as only He can do.  

 

Lord I come
Lord I thank You
For Your love
For this grace divine

Love and mercy undeserving
You gave it all
The greatest sacrifice

You were wounded for my sin
And You were bruised
For all my shame
You were broken for my healing
Only by the cross I’m saved

You’re the mender
Of the broken
To every outcast
A friend and comforter

I come boldly to Your presence
Lord I bow before Your throne
You’re my Healer
My Redeemer
You’re my hope
My life my all

You hear the cry of the broken