MOVING FORWARD

How do we move forward after loss?  

How do we look forward to the future when it looks so very different to what we thought, what we’d planned, what we had built our very lives around?

How do we form new connections, new relationships, new roles when the breakdown left us with so many questions and left us feeling so disoriented and cynical and questioning our discernment? 

How do we get excited about life again when we’ve experienced a lot of disappointment?

I don’t know, but I do know that He gives us a pathway.  He is the God of pathways.   That’s a theme that runs throughout Scripture, both in the stories of His people, and in His promises to us in Psalms and Proverbs. 

And I know the power of hope, because I’ve had to dig into it many times before now.

I’ve lost my church family, essentially, and it has left me feeling pretty unanchored, if that’s a word.  

The people I thought I would be doing life with are, for the most part, keeping their distance, because of various things that have happened over the last few months, though it’s been coming for a while, when I look back.   

And I’m now keeping my distance because things are unresolved that need to be resolved if there is going to be healthy connection.  

Those things seem unresolvable at the moment, maybe indefinitely, so I have to leave it alone, and stay away.    That’s a tough call, because there’s so much I want to resolve, and I can’t.  

I’ve been trying to get His perspective, and in my head sorting through all the what-ifs, and the various conversations and outcomes.  

In seeking clarity about the recent past, and a pathway for the future, the Lord has brought me back, again and again, to Psalm 16.   Just when I think I understand all there is to understand, He’ll take me back there again. 

Honestly, the Word of God seems like a bottomless well in its ability to provide more – more counsel, more hope, more comfort, more clarity on my current situation and His deep, deep grace for moving forward. 

So, I decided to write some things down that He has shown me from this psalm, recently and in times past.   It’s not exhaustive because there’s always more.   I’m taking it from the New King James version, because that’s what my Bible is.  

O Lord, You are the portion of my inheritance and my cup……

The Lord is ALL I need.   That doesn’t mean that He won’t put people in my life to be carriers of Him.  He absolutely does and has.    But some of those key people are no longer doing that, for all sorts of reasons.  

Sometimes, when people are used powerfully in our lives, we can get caught up in them – who they are, how they’ve helped us, who they think we should be or what they think we should be doing, their value system, their validation, their approval, etc.   

But the Lord Himself wants to be our cup – our resource, and our inheritance – everything we need.  He wants to be our first port of call, not our last.   I think sometimes, He needs to reduce the giants in our lives so we can truly see Him and know Him.  

 

You maintain my lot.  

I love that He cares enough to be my maintenance man!!   As a single person, and a single parent, I often feel the lack of a man in my life, our lives, to do the maintenance.   And yet, here is the Lord, maintaining my lot.  I’m sure there is a much deeper meaning in this sentence than the English reveals, and I don’t want to reduce Him to simply a maintenance man, but Him maintaining our lives is a good thing for me and shows His intricate care and concern over every aspect of our lives.

 

The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places………….

Boundaries!!  

People say that boundaries are not Biblical and yet they are also woven throughout Scripture.   Guard your heart, keep away from the fool, don’t sit with sinners or stand with mockers, shake the dust off your feet, don’t steal – these are all examples of Biblical boundaries.

We need boundaries to live healthy lives.   But we need to make sure they are Biblical boundaries, and done from a heart of grace, for others and ourselves, not from bitterness. 

Yes, I have a good inheritance.

I can know that the Lord has a good inheritance in mind for me, planned already, before any of this started, or finished.   None of this caught Him by surprise, even if it has left me shell-shocked by its intensity and suddenness.   God has a good plan and it’s not contingent on me belonging to a certain church or group of people.    Yes, He builds those things into our lives, but sometimes we lose sight of Him, even in that.   Sometimes, He has to remove that network to allow us to move into the next part of His plan.  

I will bless the Lord who has given me counsel; 

My heart also instructs me in the night seasons.

I’m leaning hard into His counsel at the moment, as I should always be doing, but have not always because I’ve leaned hard into the counsel of others.    It’s about Him first, and He wants to speak to us directly.   Does He have to remove people from our lives so we will actually listen to Him first, above the noise and the busyness? 

Is the night season a season of difficulty and loss?   Perhaps it is.  There has been plenty of loss for me personally, and I have definitely found Him to be present in those seasons of loss over the last few years.  

I have set the Lord always before me;

Because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved.

I have been feeling very moved and unsettled since this whole thing went down but He doesn’t change and He hasn’t moved.    Once again, it’s time to refocus on Him, to set Him always before me, intentionally, to look beyond the people who were ‘big’ in my life, and see Him.   See Him in the good that they did me (and there was plenty of that), see Him in being asked to speak up about what was wrong, see His perspective on what actually happened once I did, not how things appeared – from either side.  

When we see things the way He sees them, we can get our eyes off the human aspect and realise there’s more to it than just ‘them’.   If we can hate the sin, not the sinner, it frees us from taking everything so personally, and allows us to see the sin in our own lives, not just in what they did to us. 

 

Therefore my heart is glad….

Therefore – therefores are so pivotal in the Word.   We have to look at what comes before the therefore.   Because of all that He has done and is doing, the seen and unseen, I can be glad moving forward.  I can get excited again, even when my heart is heavy with many unanswered questions, and a sense of loss and injustice.  

Sometimes, we have to choose to look forward with gladness, and stop looking back.   There is definitely a time to think through what’s happened, but there is also a time to stop doing that, leave all the mess in His hands, and ask Him for the forward plan.   That doesn’t mean we forget the people or the lessons, but we look forward with gladness to what He will do, even before we can see it in real terms.   Sometimes, it feels like betrayal and dismissal of all that’s been important to us, to move forward without certain people, but it’s so necessary in our healing, and in our walk with Him.  

 

and my glory rejoices…………

My glory?   Who I really am, all that He has put in me - for Him, from Him, to others.  

We each contain and hopefully reflect and give out a portion of who He is – His glory.   No one person can contain all of Him.  Not a chance!!   But each of us can contain a small part of who He is, a small part of that glory.  We are made in the image of the Father, and we reflect Him – sometimes well, sometimes poorly.  

I know that when we are free from the constraints of other people’s opinions, validation, rejection, shaping, value systems, false authority, etc, then we can be who HE created us to be.  Not in bitterness or anger or defiance, but in a confident knowing of who we are in Him, and what He has for us to be and do. 

We have to see beyond the giants to who He is, so we are not acting like grasshoppers in our own eyes, and we can move into our inheritance.     

True humility is taking up our God-given space – not being more nor less than who He has designed and equipped and redeemed us to be.   And we can do that with joy, even in the midst of hard.  

Sometimes He will remove people, and remove us from people, so we are free to do that. 

My flesh also will rest in hope.

For You will not leave my soul in Sheol,
Nor will You allow Your Holy One to see corruption.

I don’t really understand this verse, other than in the context of eternal redemption, won by Jesus, but I suspect He is going to show me more about how this relates to physical wellness. 

You will show me the path of life……

He has a definite path for each of us.   It’s a path of life and abundance and wellness and freedom – in Him.    When we’ve been on a journey with others, walking the same path, it can be pretty gut-wrenching to then get to a fork in the road and realise we have to walk a different path, especially when that separation comes suddenly or with rejection, slander, injustice, etc.  

But to really thrive in Him and in our purpose, we have to walk the path He has for us.   That requires surrender - of all what we thought life would look like - which is rarely easy.

But that path is the place where we really get to know Him.   Like Much Afraid in Hinds Feet on High Places, we learn who He really is, and we become who we are meant to be. 

 

In Your presence is fullness of joy;
At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

It’s in Him that we find the fullness of that joy that life can bring – knowing Him, and living in all that lights us up, gives us purpose, warms our hearts, allows us to give and receive.  

He has so much for us, but it requires so much of us.   We simply cannot walk our own path and expect a fulfilled life.   And yet when we do surrender, as hard as that is, we find that there really are pleasures at His right hand.   They may not look like what we thought we should or would have, but they are what we need. 

 

And back to verse 1!! 

Preserve me, O God, for in You I put my trust.

It’s back to that place of choosing trust, when nothing is making sense, when everything hurts, and we can’t see what’s ahead.    We really can rely on the One who has been faithful thus far, even in the mystery of unanswered questions and unresolved issues.  

I love this song from John Drolet, After the Storm.

It’s based on one of the key life verses the Lord gave me about four years ago, heading into a storm.   This side of that storm, and having been through some others since, I can say with certainty that He is faithful and true, and that gives me the faith and courage for moving forward, stronger, wiser and better, not bitter.  

Like these beautiful gum trees who've been through some storms, and therefore have some fallen timber that I can burn, the Lord can strengthen us to stand and have something to offer people because of our storms.     

 

But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.   1 Peter 5:10

I’ve stumbled, I’ve wept

But You still called my name

Through suffering and silence

Your promise remained

Now I rise with the dawn

In the light of Your grace

What the enemy broke

You’re starting to replace

After the storm, You restore

Make me strong forevermore

You call me to glory, You lift me again

By the power of Christ, I stand in the end

Firm and unshaken, faithful and true

You are the God who sees me through

 

 

FALLING SHORT

I'm writing for  Five Minute Friday and this week's prompt word is SHORT. 

Don’t prove your worth - protect it.  I read that today and it really spoke to me.  

I’ve spent my life trying to prove my worth and wanting others to affirm it – in words or actions.  

And I’ve spent my life falling short of the standards of others, even those close to me, and even my own standards. 

What I’ve realised in recent times, and had it confirmed again today, is that we can spend our lives aiming to reach up to someone else’s standards of perfect, lovable, worthy, adequate - and we can spend our lives consistently falling short.  

We can spend our lives striving to reach our own standard of perfect, lovable, worthy, adequate, and consistently fall short of that standard too.

We’re not called to do that.  

We’re often taught to do it, conditioned to do it, rewarded for doing it, but we’re not called to do it. 

We’re called to be His – from Him, to Him, for Him, with Him.    

For of Him and through Him and to Him are all things, to whom be glory forever. Amen.  Rom 11:36

My worth is innate, inherent, decided, as someone made in the image of God, and redeemed by the blood of Jesus. 

My worth is not decided by any human, including myself. 

I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvellous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well.  Ps 139:14

But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.  Luke 12:7

But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvellous light….. 1 Peter 2:9

So, am I living to achieve worth and prove it, or am I living to protect it and honour the One who decided it?

So many of us who’ve grown up in church have been taught and conditioned to be perfect and to strive for perfection, but in doing so, we’ve missed the mark, and we’ve fallen short of His desire for us. 

What’s His desire for us?   It’s wholeheartedness, being all in, for Him, to Him, from Him, with Him - not aiming for some standard that falls short of that.   It’s excellence, not perfection.  

Jesus said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’   Matt 22:37

For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.  Eph 2:10

It’s in being all that we could be, designed to be, with all excellence, that gives glory to Him.  

When we settle for someone else’s standards, or even our own, we fall short of what He has for us.   He wants us to work from rest, not work for rest.  

I’ve spent my life trying to earn my rest, when in fact, rest is a gift, not a reward.   

We can rest in His finished work on the cross that has affirmed our worth.  

We can rest in Him being enough and that His load fits us perfectly.   

We can rest in the rhythms of grace He gives us, even as we work. 

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”   Matt 11:28-30 (MSG)

Anything else has us striving, stressed, worn out and still falling short. 

Like Martha, we can be productive, exhausted and resentful with all our striving and working and trying, and miss the very One in front of us, who is waiting for us to sit at His feet. 

Can we rest at His feet, like Mary, and be satisfied with His standard for us – a life fully given over to Him - or will we keep falling short of that much higher calling, in all our striving, and miss Him?

https://www.freebibleimages.org/illustrations/gnpi-065-mary-martha/

His standard for us is to be fully alive and to live abundantly.

I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.  John 10:10

His standard for us is a whole-hearted life, fully given over, fully surrendered.

His standard for us is to be all in, worshipping Him, delighting in Him, satisfied by Him – not stuff, not success, not money, not productivity, not others.

You will show me the path of life;
In Your presence is fullness of joy;
At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.  Ps 16:11

Are we living up to His standards, or are we falling short of His by aiming for our own or someone else’s?

 

When I need to remind myself that it's all about Him, I come back to this song.   

You are worthy of it all
You are worthy of it all
For from You are all things
And to You are all things
You deserve the glory

 

WE ONLY EVER SEE IN PART

I'm writing for Five Minute Friday, and this week's prompt word is PART.   

After nearly two months of quiet, it seems to be time to write again.   

We only ever see in part.  

There’s no way we can see every aspect of a situation, even if we want to and try to.

And it’s hard to see how we have played our part in the breakdown of a relationship or contributed to an implosion.

Years ago, the Lord corrected me when I said to someone, ‘There’s two sides to every story’. 

He said to me then, and reminded me again recently, that there are actually three sides.

There’s yours.

There’s mine.

And then there’s His.

He doesn’t see just your part or my part.   He sees all of it at the same time.  

He sees and deeply understands every part of the equation, every part of each person’s motives and actions and reactions.   He sees how each person played a part in the breakdown of the relationship.

He also sees when someone won’t own their part in it, but rather decides to cover it, hide it, wrap it in spiritual language, or cover for someone else who won’t own their part.

If everyone owns their part, then it’s possible to move forward, work through the issues, albeit painfully, and restore relationship, oftentimes stronger than before.

But when both sides can’t/won’t do that, then it falls on one person to wear the blame in the story, try harder, carry the weight of the pretence, to enable dysfunction to keep the peace.

There was a part of me that wanted to just leave well enough alone, to just sit quietly in the pews, to turn up when necessary, do my part, play my role and quietly retreat home each time, and stay away from most activities to reduce exposure and angst.    I asked Him if I could just stay quiet, to stay comfortable, to leave them to it most of the time, to keep the ‘peace’.   

But He had shown me things, put me in a place where I could hear and see what was happening, close up.   Something was very wrong and He was asking me to speak up.  I knew it would come at a cost, I just didn’t realise how much.  

That’s the part that was the hardest – risking the loss of approval and potentially relationship to speak up.  

He had spent over 12 months strengthening me to have the courage and clarity to speak up and risk my place, my friendships, my ministry.  All of that and more. 

And I did.  Not particularly graciously at times, but on several occasions, in different ways.

Little did I know that friendships would cease overnight, that I would be accused of various things to deflect from what I had exposed, that demands would be made that were impossible to heed and made it impossible to stay, and that all communication would cease. 

That is still creating shock waves for me, like the smashing of a stained-glass window.    All was not as it seemed.  

https://jp.pinterest.com/pin/355362226823304812/

I’ll own my part in it.   I wasn’t always gracious. I was angry and frustrated, for my sake, but also for those who’d been hurt and didn’t have the voice or the strength to speak.   I wasn’t wrong about what I could see.  

I didn’t address tensions earlier, but when I did, it was dismissed, deflected or buried.

I didn’t speak up enough, early enough, out of fear, loyalty, wanting to stay comfortable, wanting to protect my reputation.  

I can own my part, but I can’t wear the burden of everyone else’s part in the breakdown.   That’s not mine to carry.   

I’ll keep carrying what He shows me - my part - to the cross, and deal with it.   That’s my part to do. 

I acknowledged my sin to You.

And my iniquity i have not hidden. 

i said, 'I will confess my transgressions to the Lord.'

and You forgave the iniquity of my sin.   Ps 32:5

But for the sake of truth and righteousness I can’t own the parts that are not mine.   That doesn’t honour Him, doesn’t allow for forward movement, doesn’t allow for growth or change, doesn’t allow for mercy.     

Mercy requires truth, in all of its messiness.  

Yes, all of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility, for

“God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”

Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.   1 Peter 5:5-7

  

God has spoken once,
Twice I have heard this:
That power belongs to God.
Also to You, O Lord, belongs mercy;
For You render to each one according to his work.  Ps 62:11,12

 

In the meantime, I’m finding this lady’s perspective and support group helpful. 

https://www.instagram.com/thepearlperspective/

This song seems appropriate.    

How many times can one heart break?
It was never supposed to be this way
Look in the mirror, but you find someone you never thought you'd be

Oh, but I can still recognize
The one I love in your tear-stained eyes
I know you might not see him now, so lift your eyes to me

When you see broken beyond repair
I see healing beyond belief
When you see too far gone
I see one step away from home

When you see nothing but damaged goods
I see something good in the making
I'm not finished yet
When you see wounded, I see mended

 

 

 

A TIME TO KEEP SILENCE AND A TIME TO SPEAK

I'm writing for Five Minute Friday and this week's prompt word is TIMING.

Timing is everything!

We’ve all heard that.   It’s not quite everything but it sure is important. 

The Bible says that there is a time for everything, and that’s always helpful to remember when you’re waiting on something to change.  

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to gain, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
A time of war, and a time of peace.     Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

 

I’m always amazed at God’s timing on things, even the little things.

I’m amazed at how He orchestrates events, appointments, ‘random’ interactions with ease, things that seem unconnected and yet work together to bring clarity, create solutions, provide resources, solidify connections, add meaning, heal wounds. 

I stayed in my hometown last night to visit my daughter and grandson, and catch up with a friend.   He said to me last night, “Visit the cemetery in the morning and drive past the old house”. 

I so did not see that coming!!  

So, this morning I took the opportunity to visit my parents’ joint grave.   They died about 12 weeks apart, my Dad in December and Mum in February.

It’s the first time I’ve been to their grave since Mum’s funeral and I went alone. 

I stood there and got really honest about where I was at with it all.  

No tears, no anger, just an overarching sadness at how things were for them as people, but also for us as a family.

I found myself saying out loud, but not particularly loudly,  “I’m grateful for what you gave me and did me for me, but…..

I’m also grateful to no longer be carrying the weight of your problems, responsibilities, abuse, and dysfunction.”  

As I went to walk away, the Lord quietly said to me, “You also carried the weight of their secrecy and you covered their immaturity.  You overextended yourself to cover it, because they never owned it for themselves.  

You covered their dishonesty with themselves and about themselves.    You made endless allowances and second guessed yourself because they denied the reality of their choices and the consequences.  You struggled under the weight of their neglect and their choices and their refusal to own it.”

Wow!!  I hadn’t realised how much I had normalised all of that.     

He showed me my patterns of covering up and second guessing myself, learning to dismiss what I could see so as not to cause backlash, learning to cover up secrets and compensate for destructive behaviour, learning to be quiet. 

My parents died in their dysfunction.  There was a time, in their younger years, before dementia and old age, when they could have faced it, owned it, got healed, made amends.

But they didn’t. 

My heavenly Father is a good God and He gives us many opportunities to hear truth and respond to it, to let Him touch us and heal us and reform us, so we can move forward.

“God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”

Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.  1 Peter 5:5,6

We all have that choice.   I challenged my parents at different times.   They didn’t listen.  

The timing of all that is interesting because I’m now in a situation where two people that I love dearly need to correct their ways, and stop hurting themselves and those under them.  

I have been dismissing my concerns, covering for them, second guessing my responses, ignoring red flags, keeping quiet to keep the ‘peace’. 

But I can’t keep doing it.  

It matters that they hear my perspective and get the opportunity to respond.

It matters for them.

It matters for me, even though I’m good at dismissing what I need.

It matters for those under them.

The Lord has been giving them warnings, prophetic pictures, and conversations, but nobody is listening.

People are pulling back or leaving, and they are blaming immaturity, hardness of heart and a lack of gratitude.  

They need to see their own part in it, and own it.   

My heart is breaking; people are hurting.

But His heart is breaking for His children, those who need a good covering, who need honesty, transparency, nurture and a safe place to be.  

The righteous shall flourish like a palm tree,
He shall grow like a cedar in Lebanon.
Those who are planted in the house of the Lord
Shall flourish in the courts of our God.  Psalm 92:12,13

This was my home when I was a teenager, but it wasn’t safe, it wasn’t cared for, and it wasn’t a place to flourish.  We were all surviving.    And one by one, we all left because it was simply not a good place to be.  

This is the same house now.   The new owners have taken ownership of it all – the good and the bad.   It’s tidier, cleaner, much more functional and generally safer.  

The new owners have cleaned up a lot of mess, and got rid of what was not serving the house or its inhabitants. 

We all get these opportunities to be renovated. 

We cannot ignore the mess, the dysfunction, the warnings.  

And His timing is crucial because one day the warnings run out, the grace period runs out. 

God’s love is unconditional but His grace is not. 

………..because your heart was tender, and you humbled yourself before God when you heard His words against this place and against its inhabitants, and you humbled yourself before Me, and you tore your clothes and wept before Me, I also have heard you,” says the Lord.   2 Chronicles 34:27

Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.
Better to be of a humble spirit with the lowly,
Than to divide the spoil with the proud.  Prov 16:18,19

…………but grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.    John 1:17

His grace needs to land on truth and humility.   

Humility is owning what it is and how it is and asking for His help to move toward wholeness.  

For He is our God,
And we are the people of His pasture,
And the sheep of His hand.

Today (timing), if you will hear His voice:

“Do not harden your hearts……………… 

You meet me in the mire
You meet me in the mud
You meet me when I'm broken and I'm giving up
I give You all my weakness and You raise me up
Oh, God of my restoration