A TIME TO KEEP SILENCE AND A TIME TO SPEAK

I'm writing for Five Minute Friday and this week's prompt word is TIMING.

Timing is everything!

We’ve all heard that.   It’s not quite everything but it sure is important. 

The Bible says that there is a time for everything, and that’s always helpful to remember when you’re waiting on something to change.  

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to gain, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
A time of war, and a time of peace.     Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

 

I’m always amazed at God’s timing on things, even the little things.

I’m amazed at how He orchestrates events, appointments, ‘random’ interactions with ease, things that seem unconnected and yet work together to bring clarity, create solutions, provide resources, solidify connections, add meaning, heal wounds. 

I stayed in my hometown last night to visit my daughter and grandson, and catch up with a friend.   He said to me last night, “Visit the cemetery in the morning and drive past the old house”. 

I so did not see that coming!!  

So, this morning I took the opportunity to visit my parents’ joint grave.   They died about 12 weeks apart, my Dad in December and Mum in February.

It’s the first time I’ve been to their grave since Mum’s funeral and I went alone. 

I stood there and got really honest about where I was at with it all.  

No tears, no anger, just an overarching sadness at how things were for them as people, but also for us as a family.

I found myself saying out loud, but not particularly loudly,  “I’m grateful for what you gave me and did me for me, but…..

I’m also grateful to no longer be carrying the weight of your problems, responsibilities, abuse, and dysfunction.”  

As I went to walk away, the Lord quietly said to me, “You also carried the weight of their secrecy and you covered their immaturity.  You overextended yourself to cover it, because they never owned it for themselves.  

You covered their dishonesty with themselves and about themselves.    You made endless allowances and second guessed yourself because they denied the reality of their choices and the consequences.  You struggled under the weight of their neglect and their choices and their refusal to own it.”

Wow!!  I hadn’t realised how much I had normalised all of that.     

He showed me my patterns of covering up and second guessing myself, learning to dismiss what I could see so as not to cause backlash, learning to cover up secrets and compensate for destructive behaviour, learning to be quiet. 

My parents died in their dysfunction.  There was a time, in their younger years, before dementia and old age, when they could have faced it, owned it, got healed, made amends.

But they didn’t. 

My heavenly Father is a good God and He gives us many opportunities to hear truth and respond to it, to let Him touch us and heal us and reform us, so we can move forward.

“God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”

Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.  1 Peter 5:5,6

We all have that choice.   I challenged my parents at different times.   They didn’t listen.  

The timing of all that is interesting because I’m now in a situation where two people that I love dearly need to correct their ways, and stop hurting themselves and those under them.  

I have been dismissing my concerns, covering for them, second guessing my responses, ignoring red flags, keeping quiet to keep the ‘peace’. 

But I can’t keep doing it.  

It matters that they hear my perspective and get the opportunity to respond.

It matters for them.

It matters for me, even though I’m good at dismissing what I need.

It matters for those under them.

The Lord has been giving them warnings, prophetic pictures, and conversations, but nobody is listening.

People are pulling back or leaving, and they are blaming immaturity, hardness of heart and a lack of gratitude.  

They need to see their own part in it, and own it.   

My heart is breaking; people are hurting.

But His heart is breaking for His children, those who need a good covering, who need honesty, transparency, nurture and a safe place to be.  

The righteous shall flourish like a palm tree,
He shall grow like a cedar in Lebanon.
Those who are planted in the house of the Lord
Shall flourish in the courts of our God.  Psalm 92:12,13

This was my home when I was a teenager, but it wasn’t safe, it wasn’t cared for, and it wasn’t a place to flourish.  We were all surviving.    And one by one, we all left because it was simply not a good place to be.  

This is the same house now.   The new owners have taken ownership of it all – the good and the bad.   It’s tidier, cleaner, much more functional and generally safer.  

The new owners have cleaned up a lot of mess, and got rid of what was not serving the house or its inhabitants. 

We all get these opportunities to be renovated. 

We cannot ignore the mess, the dysfunction, the warnings.  

And His timing is crucial because one day the warnings run out, the grace period runs out. 

God’s love is unconditional but His grace is not. 

………..because your heart was tender, and you humbled yourself before God when you heard His words against this place and against its inhabitants, and you humbled yourself before Me, and you tore your clothes and wept before Me, I also have heard you,” says the Lord.   2 Chronicles 34:27

Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.
Better to be of a humble spirit with the lowly,
Than to divide the spoil with the proud.  Prov 16:18,19

…………but grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.    John 1:17

His grace needs to land on truth and humility.   

Humility is owning what it is and how it is and asking for His help to move toward wholeness.  

For He is our God,
And we are the people of His pasture,
And the sheep of His hand.

Today (timing), if you will hear His voice:

“Do not harden your hearts……………… 

You meet me in the mire
You meet me in the mud
You meet me when I'm broken and I'm giving up
I give You all my weakness and You raise me up
Oh, God of my restoration

POLITE DISHONESTY

When I saw the Five Minute Friday prompt word, POLITE, one phrase was running through my head:  

POLITE DISHONESTY

It’s rife in the church, in families, even Christian families.

Partly because we’re taught to be nice and polite.      

But Jesus wasn’t nice.  And He wasn’t polite.

He was genuinely kind.   He was gracious.   He was truthful.   He was honest.

He didn’t agree with things verbally that he disagreed with internally.

He didn’t go along with something to get along with someone. 

He asked questions that made people look at the truth behind behaviour and performance.

He was prepared to disappoint people to stay true to His identity and His Father’s purposes.

He offered grace, but always with the truth being spoken.   

Then Jesus said to those Jews who believed Him, “If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed.   And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”  John 8:31,32 

Jesus didn’t try to keep the peace.

He didn’t tell us to keep the peace.

He told us to be peacemakers, not peace keepers.

So many of us have learnt and decided to keep the peace by politely agreeing with the disagreeable, even when we know it’s wrong. 

A quote that helped me immensely a few years ago is this:   If you avoid conflict to keep the peace, you start a war inside yourself. 

And so many of us do just that.  

Our polite dishonesty has created internal conflict, and external tension, and it certainly isn’t real peace.  

Polite dishonesty is not truthful.  And it doesn’t allow grace to operate, because grace cannot rest on lies.  

Polite dishonesty is based on lies.  

If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.   1 John 1:8

For grace to be activated, truth has to be the starting point.

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.  1 John 1:9 

but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head – Christ……  Eph 4:15

Walking in real fellowship requires honesty – about ourselves to start with.   Honesty with Him.  And with each other.   That’s where growth happens.   And it’s often messy and uncomfortable and painful. 

But there’s grace for that.  

Mercy and truth have met together;
Righteousness and peace have kissed.  Ps 85:10 

Let not mercy and truth forsake you;
Bind them around your neck,
Write them on the tablet of your heart,

And so find favour and high esteem
In the sight of God and man.  Prov 3:3,4 

I’ve seen so much of this polite dishonesty in my own life, in the lives of family, friends, and acquaintances, Christian and otherwise.   In fact, I find non-Christians are often more honest about things because they’re not constrained by the notion of being ‘nice’. 

Polite dishonesty frustrates me because I can see how much damage it does, and how much it limits the growth of healthy relationships.

We don’t deal with what’s bugging us or hurting us in relationships.   So we withdraw, become distant, give up, give in, become apathetic, get cranky and resentful and touchy.   Sometimes we even keep performing to make it seem everything is fine, or because we don’t want to upset things or make people uncomfortable (or ourselves).  

When someone asks us, ‘Have I upset you, why are you distant, why are you cranky, are you okay with this decision or that outcome?  We say, ‘Nope, nope, it’s all good, I’m fine’   

When inwardly you’re not fine.   You’re not fine at all.  

And while you won’t address the problem with the person in question, you’re happy to whinge about it elsewhere.   Guilty as charged.

So, why do we do it?   How did we get so good at polite dishonesty?

Because we’re scared of them. 

Because we’re scared of losing someone.   

Because we don’t know what we believe.

Because we don’t want to appear difficult or touchy or divisive.    

Because we don’t want to change, or address our own issues.  

Because we value our reputation over honesty.

Because we don’t know what’s actually true, only what we’ve been told.

Because when something feels off, we have been conditioned to over function, blame ourselves, bury frustration, shrink our voice, adapt – again and again. 

Because of cultural training and obligation, and a skewed sense of responsibility. 

Because we’re not honest with ourselves, let alone anyone else. 

Because we don’t know who we are and what He has called us to.

Because we consider it too much to obey Him above keeping others happy. 

Because we overestimate someone’s authority in our lives and underestimate His.  

Fear of man is a snare

The fear of man brings a snare,
But whoever trusts in the Lord shall be safe.    Prov 29:25

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.   2 Tim 1:7

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom,
And the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.  Prov 9:10

So what’s the answer?

Years ago, I was speaking to a young pastor about an issue in his church, which I had become privy to, from the sidelines, because someone was whinging to me.    There was considerable tension between two members of his congregation, and there seemed to be one trouble-maker and one passive, ‘nice’ person who was at her wits end. 

The young pastor reminded me of the passages that speak to this:

Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.  But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.   Matt 18:15,16

So watch yourselves. If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them.”  Luke 17:13

We need to go to someone who has harmed us, and caused us pain, and let them know.   And if they are willing to change, we can keep walking with them as a brother or sister.   If not, then we need to step back and realise that the connection is broken or is fairly shallow, and maybe they’re happy with that and we can live with that.   It’s good to accept the reality of someone’s capacity in a relationship and recognize the difference between expectation and reality.  

That’s okay if it’s someone you don’t see much or it’s a casual, occasional relationship.   It’s absolutely not okay if you’re in a covenant relationship with that person or they expect a deeper walk with you. 

And when we go to someone, we need to be ready and willing to hear their perspective on it and repent of where we have harmed them.    

Of course, we don't need to thrash out every annoyance in a relationship.    A lot needs to be let slide, but patterns of negative behaviour need addressing, not burying so they can fester. 

Real fellowship requires honesty.  If we want deep connection, then we need to be honest, not polite.   Walking in the light requires honesty and it requires repentance that leads to change, not just saying sorry.  

This is the message which we have heard from Him and declare to you, that God is light and in Him is no darkness at all.    If we say that we have fellowship with Him, and walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth.    But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin.  1 John 1:5-7

Polite dishonesty is walking in the darkness.  

If words are not matching actions, then it’s time to get honest.   If our words (everything is fine) are not matching our actions (distant, cool, withdrawn, faking it) then something is off.   

And fellowship dies - slowly, but surely. 

And being polite when something is off is dishonest.  

We don’t need to analyse and scrutinize every aspect of our relationships and go digging for problems.   But we need to watch our speech – both the public, polite stuff and the private whinging. 

Preaching to myself here!  

Of course, nothing in our relationships is going to work if we’re not honest with ourselves and the Lord first.

That has to be our starting point. 

I love David Benner’s book, The Gift of Being Yourself, where he talks about the need to be honest with yourself first – then you can be honest with Him and then others. 

Are we willing to be peace makers, not peace keepers?   Are we willing to have the tough conversations so that we can be honest and transparent with each other, to take risks, to be vulnerable, to strengthen connections, instead of keeping a safe distance?

Are we willing to be pure in heart, or do we want to keep hiding and telling little lies in the name of being polite?  

Blessed are the pure in heart,
For they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
For they shall be called sons of God.   Matt 5:8.9

 

I’ve shared this song before.   I think it speaks well to this issues.  

Let the truth be told!

 

 

"I'm fine, yeah, I'm fine, oh, I'm fine, hey, I'm fine"
But I'm not, I'm broken
And when it's out of control, I say "It's under control"
But it's not and You know it
I don't know why it's so hard to admit it
When being honest is the only way to fix it
There's no failure, no fall
There's no sin You don't already know
So let the truth be told

WE HAVE ALL BURIED MUCH

I'm writing for Five Minute Friday and this week's prompt word is BURY. 

What happens when we bury emotions?

If we bury them instead of letting them flow through, then they ferment within us.

When they ferment, they grow and become distorted and affect our thinking, which then compounds into more emotions and we explode or withdraw, and we damage others.

The psalm writers took their emotions to the Father.   

Some excerpts from Psalm 73. 

But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled;

My steps had nearly slipped.
3 For I was envious of the boastful,
When I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

When I thought how to understand this,
It was too painful for me—
17 Until I went into the sanctuary of God;
Then I understood their end.

Thus my heart was grieved,
And I was vexed in my mind.
22 I was so foolish and ignorant;
I was like a beast before You.

My flesh and my heart fail;
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

I have an elderly friend who says, from her experience of decades of pastoring and just living, ‘most Christians are emotionally constipated!’  

Buried emotions turn into bitterness, overwhelm, resentment, explosive anger, anxiety and depression.

Why do we bury emotions?

Because we haven’t had anyone to contain them for us and so they become overwhelming. 

Often as children we’ve expressed big emotions and parents have made it unsafe for us to express them. 

Why?  Because they see them as bad behaviour or because they can’t handle it themselves.  

Been there, done that.    Been on both ends of that scenario - for years.

We learn that our emotions are naughty or dangerous, so we bury them and we get good at burying them deep.   And we develop coping mechanisms whenever they try to rise up.

Then, we carry that into adulthood.  

And when life is hard, and we face new challenges, we bury our emotions or we let them spill unchecked onto the most vulnerable in our lives.

Perhaps we bury them in busyness or addiction or entertainment or service or work. 

Even as Christians, we’ve learnt to bury them, to wrap different language around emotions and demonise them.

The Word says be anxious for nothing, so you mustn’t be anxious or afraid  – no, it says to bring your anxiety and fear to Him and let Him give you perspective and peace.

The Word says don’t be angry, so you mustn’t be angry or frustrated – no, it says do not sin in your anger and do not let it turn into rage.

The Word says don’t be disappointed, just have faith – no, David brought his disappointment to the Lord many, many times, but always ended by looking up to Him for answers and perspective. 

The Word says don’t be sad – no, it says blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted, and we comfort with the comfort we have received.

The Word says don’t be embarrassed or vulnerable, hide your shame – no, it says to humble ourselves before Him, that He is close to the broken-hearted, and is a lifter of our heads and restores our dignity. 

I have found this lady to be extremely helpful in understanding how Christians have misunderstood emotions and how to process them well.  She is a Christian therapist.  Thoroughly recommended. 

Our emotions are indicators, not directors.   If they direct, they overtake. 

But if we ignore them and bury them, they ferment and become toxic, in one way or another. 

I’ve been learning about the effects of the stress hormone, cortisol, which typically hits hard around menopause and causes all sorts of health issues.  I wonder if that’s because women spend so many years burying their emotions and looking after everyone else’s.  

So, how do we NOT bury our emotions?  

We have to learn to honour them and feel them with someone safe.   And honestly, the safest person is the Father.   That’s what Jesus did. 

During my healing journey, I’ve been able to express deeply-buried emotions on a few occasions with a counsellor or a friend, and that’s been really healing. 

But mostly it’s been me and the Father.  And I’ve sometimes felt like I would drown if I let them rise, but I haven’t.

If we don’t feel safe with Him, then He will give us someone safe to be with, so we learn how to do that with Him.    People aren’t always available, especially when you’re single and there is no one at home for you.

So, these days, I’m learning that He is always available, always safe, never tired.   I’m learning to be honest with myself about what I feel and not to bury it.  Being honest with yourself is one of the hardest things to learn.   I’m learning to go to Him first with it, name the emotion, feel it, move through it.  

Otherwise, I just get stuck again.   And again and again.   And it manifests as anger. 

In two weeks time, we will bury my Mum’s body.  

She passed away two days ago after a fairly quick decline.   

Everyone is asking, ‘how are you, how do you feel?’ 

I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel but what I felt when she died was relief.  

Is relief even an emotion?  

Relief that she was no longer physically unwell, especially watching her struggle to breathe in those last few hours.

Relief that she had crossed over the bridge – more on that another day.

Relief that she would finally really know the love of her heavenly Father – and it would heal all her wounds. 

But when I came home, I felt relief of a different kind.  But I felt relief from the weight of the responsibility I have carried since I was pre-adolescent, to care for her needs more than my own.   That’s just how it was. 

But it still surprised me when I found myself saying, at 3am, ‘now I can care about me’.   Mmm.  Wow.    That’s a whole other story, and not a comfortable one.   I’m sure He will bring me back to that.  

For now, I’m trying not to bury whatever emotions are there when you lose someone so significant.  When I bury key emotions, what often manifests is anger and I don’t want to do that.   I’ve always found anger so much more manageable than other emotions.   I guess it makes you feel more in control. 

I won’t miss Mum like someone does who has been able to lean hard on their mum.    But I will miss her chats and her smile and her quirky ways.   She was childlike in her understanding of so many things.  

When I put this photo up on the local memories page on Facebook, to let people know that she had passed, so many people commented that she was sweet and lovely and polite.   She was all of that. 

Under pressure, of course, and without a safe person at home to process with, other things came out - her buried emotions – and generally expressed as anxiety and anger.   And that’s what happens in families, behind closed doors.   Generations of people not knowing what to do with emotions other than to bury them or lash out.  Generations of people being punished for having or expressing emotions instead of being given somewhere safe to have them, and someone safe to hold them.  

So the cycle stops here.   Later than I would like but later is better than not at all.  

He is our Redeemer.   But He can’t redeem what we don’t present Him.  

Can we just at least acknowledge that we have buried much?  

We don’t have to understand it all to present it.  We don’t necessarily need others to understand or validate or apologise for it, to be healed of it.    They can’t heal it.  He can.   And He waits. 

But we do have to bring it and let those things that are buried rise to the surface because He is safe enough to have them and to hold them, and help us move through them and heal the wounds that are opened up. 

This song has had me in a puddle more than once. 

I run to the Father
I fall into grace
I'm done with the hiding
No reason to wait
My heart needs a surgeon
My soul needs a friend
So I'll run to the Father
Again and again
And again and again
Oh, oh, oh

You saw my condition
Had a plan from the start
Your Son for redemption
The price for my heart
And I don't have a context
For that kind of love
I don't understand
I can't comprehend
All I know is I need You