I'm writing for Five Minute Friday and this week's prompt word is BURY.
What happens when we bury emotions?
If we bury them instead of letting
them flow through, then they ferment within us.
When they ferment, they grow and
become distorted and affect our thinking, which then compounds into more emotions
and we explode or withdraw, and we damage others.
The psalm writers took their emotions to the Father.
Some excerpts from Psalm 73.
But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled;
My steps had nearly slipped.3 For I was envious of the boastful,
When I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
It was too painful for me—
17 Until I went into the sanctuary of God;
Then I understood their end.
And I was vexed in my mind.
22 I was so foolish and ignorant;
I was like a beast before You.
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
I have an elderly friend who says,
from her experience of decades of pastoring and just living, ‘most Christians
are emotionally constipated!’
Buried emotions turn into bitterness,
overwhelm, resentment, explosive anger, anxiety and depression.
Why do we bury emotions?
Because we haven’t had anyone to
contain them for us and so they become overwhelming.
Often as children we’ve expressed
big emotions and parents have made it unsafe for us to express them.
Why?
Because they see them as bad behaviour or because they can’t handle it
themselves.
Been there, done that. Been on both ends of that scenario - for years.
We learn that our emotions are
naughty or dangerous, so we bury them and we get good at burying them deep. And we develop coping mechanisms whenever
they try to rise up.
Then, we carry that into
adulthood.
And when life is hard, and we face
new challenges, we bury our emotions or we let them spill unchecked onto the
most vulnerable in our lives.
Perhaps we bury them in busyness or
addiction or entertainment or service or work.
Even as Christians, we’ve learnt to
bury them, to wrap different language around emotions and demonise them.
The Word says be anxious for
nothing, so you mustn’t be anxious or afraid – no, it says to bring your anxiety and fear
to Him and let Him give you perspective and peace.
The Word says don’t be angry, so you
mustn’t be angry or frustrated – no, it says do not sin in your anger and do not
let it turn into rage.
The Word says don’t be disappointed,
just have faith – no, David brought his disappointment to the Lord many, many
times, but always ended by looking up to Him for answers and perspective.
The Word says don’t be sad – no, it
says blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted, and we comfort with
the comfort we have received.
The Word says don’t be embarrassed
or vulnerable, hide your shame – no, it says to humble ourselves before Him, that
He is close to the broken-hearted, and is a lifter of our heads and restores our
dignity.
I have found this lady to be
extremely helpful in understanding how Christians have misunderstood emotions
and how to process them well. She is a
Christian therapist. Thoroughly recommended.
Our emotions are indicators, not
directors. If they direct, they
overtake.
But if we ignore them and bury them, they ferment
and become toxic, in one way or another.
I’ve been learning about the effects
of the stress hormone, cortisol, which typically hits hard around menopause and
causes all sorts of health issues. I
wonder if that’s because women spend so many years burying their emotions and
looking after everyone else’s.
So, how do we NOT bury our
emotions?
We have to learn to honour them and feel
them with someone safe. And honestly,
the safest person is the Father. That’s
what Jesus did.
During my healing journey, I’ve been
able to express deeply-buried emotions on a few occasions with a counsellor or
a friend, and that’s been really healing.
But mostly it’s been me and the
Father. And I’ve sometimes felt like I
would drown if I let them rise, but I haven’t.
If we don’t feel safe with Him, then
He will give us someone safe to be with, so we learn how to do that with Him. People aren’t always available, especially
when you’re single and there is no one at home for you.
So, these days, I’m learning that He
is always available, always safe, never tired.
I’m learning to be honest with myself about what I feel and not to bury
it. Being honest with yourself is one of
the hardest things to learn. I’m learning
to go to Him first with it, name the emotion, feel it, move through it.
Otherwise, I just get stuck again. And again and again. And it manifests as anger.
In two weeks time, we will bury my
Mum’s body.
She passed away two days ago after a
fairly quick decline.
Everyone is asking, ‘how are you,
how do you feel?’
I don’t know what I’m supposed to
feel but what I felt when she died was relief.
Is relief even an emotion?
Relief that she was no longer
physically unwell, especially watching her struggle to breathe in those last
few hours.
Relief that she had crossed over the
bridge – more on that another day.
Relief that she would finally really
know the love of her heavenly Father – and it would heal all her wounds.
But when I came home, I felt relief of
a different kind. But I felt relief from
the weight of the responsibility I have carried since I was pre-adolescent, to
care for her needs more than my own.
That’s just how it was.
But it still surprised me when I
found myself saying, at 3am, ‘now I can care about me’. Mmm.
Wow. That’s a whole other
story, and not a comfortable one. I’m
sure He will bring me back to that.
For now, I’m trying not to bury
whatever emotions are there when you lose someone so significant. When I bury key emotions, what often
manifests is anger and I don’t want to do that. I’ve always found anger so much more manageable
than other emotions. I guess it makes
you feel more in control.
I won’t miss Mum like someone does
who has been able to lean hard on their mum.
But I will miss her chats and her smile and her quirky ways. She was childlike in her understanding of so
many things.
When I put this photo up on the
local memories page on Facebook, to let people know that she had passed, so many
people commented that she was sweet and lovely and polite. She was all of that.
Under pressure, of course, and without a safe person at home to process with, other things came out - her buried emotions – and generally expressed as anxiety and anger. And that’s what happens in families, behind closed doors. Generations of people not knowing what to do with emotions other than to bury them or lash out. Generations of people being punished for having or expressing emotions instead of being given somewhere safe to have them, and someone safe to hold them.
So the cycle stops here. Later than I would like but later is better
than not at all.
He is our Redeemer. But He can’t redeem what we don’t present
Him.
Can we just at least acknowledge
that we have buried much?
We don’t have to understand it all to
present it. We don’t necessarily need
others to understand or validate or apologise for it, to be healed of it. They
can’t heal it. He can. And He waits.
But we do have to bring it and let
those things that are buried rise to the surface because He is safe enough to
have them and to hold them, and help us move through them and heal the wounds
that are opened up.
This song has had me in a puddle
more than once.
I
run to the Father
I fall into grace
I'm done with the hiding
No reason to wait
My heart needs a surgeon
My soul needs a friend
So I'll run to the Father
Again and again
And again and again
Oh, oh, oh
You
saw my condition
Had a plan from the start
Your Son for redemption
The price for my heart
And I don't have a context
For that kind of love
I don't understand
I can't comprehend
All I know is I need You
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