Recently the Christian community was rocked by the passing of Beni Johnson, who lost her long battle with cancer. So many people were praying for her, so many people were sure she'd be okay.
Just a few days later, her husband Bill Johnson preached a powerful message about believing in the goodness of God, even in the midst of loss and devastation and huge disappointment, and not understanding why.
I've listened to his message more than once and found it to be so profound and moving and inspiring.
I've written down a few of his thoughts and have been pondering them. I've put minute markers on the ones I've shared below.
Something that really jumped out for me is this line about peace and understanding.
....... that is giving up my right to understand. He gives the peace that passes understanding, which means that I have to give up my right to understand, to enjoy the peace that He has purposed to give me (from 8.47 onwards)
In the midst of heartache and loss and disappointment, do we demand to understand why before we keep believing that God is good?
How much do we trade peace for the 'need' for answers?
How much do we trade peace for the 'right' to answers?
................and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Phil 4:7
I hadn't thought about this verse in relation to grief, but truly, some things are beyond our understanding, and perhaps peace is a far greater gift than knowledge or understanding. Like Bill says, an explanation won't change it. What we actually need is His peace, to enfold and envelope us.
Most of the time, when we experience loss or whatever, answers won't fix the problem. Presence will. (15.40 onwards)
We need to just rest in His presence when there are no answers that make sense, this side of heaven. And there are so many things we simply do not know and can not understand, this side of heaven. Only He does, and only He is truly good and we can trust Him.
I remember wrestling with this many years ago, after a miscarriage. I was devastated and angry and confused. I wanted answers. I wanted a different outcome. Bill says, through tears, that the disappointment is huge, and it was for me too. I spent weeks demanding answers, doubting that God could still be good if He allowed such things to happen.
Doubting God's goodness, demanding answers, being angry - it all felt so justified and reasonable. But it was a very dark place to be. And in demanding answers and shutting God out, I was depriving myself of the comfort He was offering. After wrestling for several weeks, one of my mentors challenged me about which way I was going to grieve - with God or without Him. I had to settle, once and for all, whether God's goodness was based on my circumstances or the truths found in His Word. And making that choice was life-changing for me, and created an anchor for me in other storms.
Another thing that Bill says that jumped out for me:
I've seen too much of His kindness to think anything other than He is absolutely good, always, always good (from 1.35 onwards)
I too have experienced so much of God's goodness and kindness, in ways that are hard to explain. I don't just believe He's good - I know He is. And when I doubt it, because of what's going on around me and in me, I dig into my past experiences of His goodness. I remind myself of His faithfulness to me over many years and in many ways.
And I said, “This is my anguish; but I will remember the years of the right hand of the Most High.” I will remember the works of the Lord; surely I will remember Your wonders of old. I will also meditate on all Your work, and talk of Your deeds. Ps 77:10-12
Bill says in his message that there are two ways to mourn, two outcomes of mourning - to move into God's presence and receive comfort or to move into disbelief, judging and critiquing God. I've done the second, albeit briefly, and it is not a good place to park yourself.
Mourning is healthy and Biblical and we need to mourn well. He promises to comfort those who mourn.
Blessed are those who mourn, For they shall be comforted. Matt 5:4
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation............ 2 Cor 1:3-4
But grief can lead us to despair. And if we think we have to understand everything to grieve well, we've missed the point and we've missed the grace on offer. Acceptance is hard and it feels so powerless, but really, we are powerless. What better place to be powerless than in the presence of the One who is all powerful and knows everything.
“Blessed are You, Lord God of Israel, our Father, forever and ever.
Yours, O Lord, is the greatness,
The power and the glory,
The victory and the majesty; 1 Chron 29:10,11
Something Bill also talks about is how to be childlike, and to be content with some mystery.
And there are some aspects of the kingdom you can only find through childlike trust. You can try as hard as you want, be as smart as you can be, but you can only get it through childlike trust. And to do that, you have to have mystery. (from 13.22)
......... and the inability to live with mystery is your resistance to childlikeness. (from 2.47 onwards)
We don't need to know it all. We want to, partly, I believe, to protect ourselves from future pain and nasty surprises. But we need to be childlike with God. Not childish and immature, but childlike in our trust of Him and His higher ways and understanding and purposes. We need to let Him hold us in our suffering and our pain, and entrust to Him our unanswered questions.
“For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord.
“For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts. Isa 55:8.9
And that's where we find that peace we so desperately need, that shalom, that wholeness and rest.
I know that He entrusts Himself to those who will embrace mystery, live as a child, be a true worshipper................ (from 39.50)
You will keep him in perfect peace,
Whose mind is stayed on You,
Because he trusts in You.
Trust in the Lord forever,
For in Yah, the Lord, is everlasting strength. Isa 26:3,4
There's so much more to Bill's message that I want to explore but what I wanted to share was the choice we have: receiving peace and comfort from the Comforter, like a trusting child, OR demanding answers as if we were on the same level as our Creator and could possibly understand all that there is to know.
I've tried it both ways and I know where I'd rather be.
The backslider in heart will always judge God by what He didn't do, but those who run with tenderness for Who He is will always define Him by what He has said, by what He's promised, by what He's done.... (from 1.04 onwards)
For thus says the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel: “In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and confidence shall be your strength.” But you would not.. Isa 30:15
I don't want to be amongst those who would not be quiet and restful before Him.
Lord, my heart is not haughty, nor my eyes lofty.
Neither do I concern myself with great matters,
Nor with things too profound for me.
Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul,
Like a weaned child with his mother;
Like a weaned child is my soul within me. Ps 131:1-2
One of my favourite songs, when life is tough -Just Be Held, by Casting Crowns
You'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You'll know I always have and I always will
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
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