"What's wrong with me?" I had a friend ask me that recently.
I've asked the Lord the same question, about me.
I told my friend that there was nothing wrong with her, to make her feel better, but it's not true of her, nor of me. It's certainly not the answer the Lord gave ME when I asked Him about myself.
In fact, He told me, in small part, what IS wrong with me. It wasn't done in a demeaning or condemning way. It was said to bring me freedom.
If we can sense that something is wrong, even if we don't see it clearly, or know what to do about it, then we can at least acknowledge our need for His help.
Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Ps 139:23,24
Sometimes, oftentimes, when someone asks that question, 'What's wrong with me?', it comes from a place of despair because change seems impossible. Or it can come from a victim mindset, where changes feels too difficult to contemplate.
When we sense that we are broken or dysfunctional in core places, in our innermost being, it's disheartening and we want to give up. It's a pit mentality and I've been there too often.
But I've been there often enough to recognise what it is and that I don't want to stay there, because I've tasted freedom. I don't want to stay stuck in that mentality any longer than I have to.
If we've spent years trying to figure out how to relate to people in healthy ways, and have found ourselves failing, yet again, it feels hopeless, like being stuck in the Slough of Despond in Pilgrim's Progress.
Sometimes, that sense that something is wrong, makes us isolate ourselves.
Other times, it makes us defensive and touchy, unteachable and hard to correct.
We feel shame when we see or sense our brokenness, that we have less than, are less than, those who are apparently well and whole.
I've done both - isolated myself or been defensive. These are choices that I've made on different occasions, when I get that sense that something is in fact wrong with me, and that others can see it.
And I'm there again, faced with that choice, because once again, He's showing me that something is indeed wrong with me. I could easily withdraw but I've learnt not to hang onto the shame of being less than perfect. I could be defensive when a friend points it out, and protect those wounds and insecurities and push people away. It's a choice I keep being given.
Those of us who have these deep wounds, often through no fault of our own, have learnt to hide them, to wrap them in coping mechanisms, to mask them with our plastic Sunday smiles, to cover them with Christian platitudes. But God sees what no one else does. He is El Roi, the God who sees.
Then she called the name of the Lord who spoke to her, You-Are-the-God-Who-Sees (El Roi); for she said, “Have I also here seen Him who sees me?” Gen 16:13
My choice here is offering that gaping, festering, painful wound to the Father who sees me, to look at and heal.
Trouble is, it's a deep wound and it hurts like crazy, even though I don't understand what it is exactly. I'm weary of the process of healing and I hate pain. And honestly, I hate lining up for more heart surgery.
The Scripture is full of the invitation to come to Him.
I love these verses from Isa 55 that were part of Sunday's sermon about Sure Mercy, articulated so beautifully and powerfully by Tope, one of the gentle giants in our church.
“Ho! Everyone who thirsts,
Come to the waters;
And you who have no money,
Come, buy and eat.
Yes, come, buy wine and milk
Without money and without price.
Why do you spend money for what is not bread,
And your wages for what does not satisfy?
Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good,
And let your soul delight itself in abundance.
Incline your ear, and come to Me.
Hear, and your soul shall live;
And I will make an everlasting covenant with you -
The sure mercies of David. Isa 55:1-3
His invitation is to anyone to come, without money and without price. It's not cheap - Jesus paid a heavy price. But it is free. Come to Me is the invitation. His mercies are sure and certain. Why do we spend money on what does not satisfy, to cope with the pain of our wounds. Why not come?
Tope also mentioned these verses:
For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Heb 4:15,16
When we have something seriously wrong in our souls, we're tempted to pretend or hide, or stay away in shame. But Jesus gets it. He understands. He invites us to come boldly, to receive that mercy and grace to help in time of need. Recognising that something is wrong with me qualifies as a time of need. Moses, another of our gentle giants, encourages us again and again, to ask God to meet us at our point of need and let Him do the rest.
I love the story of the woman who washed his feet with her hair. It says she was a woman of ill-repute. It was so courageous of her to come. I wonder how long she wrestled with that decision. Unlike many people that encountered Jesus along the way, she made a definite decision to seek Him out, to come to Him. And she was so overwhelmed in His presence that she wept and made a 'fool' of herself. She spared no expense, and He honoured and validated her. She did come and He received her, willingly. We need to do the same. It's that simple. She left His presence forgiven and set free and we can do the same.
https://www.freebibleimages.org/illustrations/jesus-simon/
Then He said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you. Go in peace.” Luke 7:50
Something that is perhaps even harder to do is to come to a mature friend and ask that question, ask them what they can see, and trust they love us enough to answer it well, trust that they will not give us an easy answer. I pray that I can be that kind of friend.
Open rebuke is better than love carefully concealed. Faithful are the wounds of a friend... Prov 27:5,6
What's wrong with me? Plenty, but He is the lifter of my head. He is my Healer. He is the strength of my heart. All of that makes a real difference as I lean into Him for this next round of surgery.
I love the words of this song. Like the woman who fell at His feet, I will come and having come to meet Him at my point of need, I will rise and stand redeemed because that's who He is - my Redeemer - the One who paid the price I could not pay to restore me to that wholeness, that Shalom, that I long for.
Oh how I need Your grace
More than my words can say
Jesus I come, Jesus I come
In all my weaknesses
You are my confidence
Jesus I come, Jesus I come
I will rise, stand redeemed
Heaven open over me
To Your name eternally
Endless glory I will bring (oh)
Oh what amazing love
We need Your cleansing flood
Jesus I come, Jesus I come
In every broken place
You are my righteousness
Jesus I come, Jesus I come
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