SPARKS MIGHT FLY

When I saw the prompt word, SPARK, from Five Minute Friday, my mind immediately jumped to a song we used to sing when I was a teenager, one of the first I learned to play on the guitar. 

It only takes a spark

To get a fire going…………….     

I was tempted to write about how shared kindness can be a small spark in someone’s life that can grow into something warm and meaningful.  

But this morning, I woke up with a different train of thought and it’s relevant to something the Lord has dealt with me about over the last six months or so.

As iron sharpens iron,
So a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.  Prov 27:17

I’ve heard lots of theories about what this verse actually means, but this is what came to me this morning:   when iron sharpens iron, sparks might fly.

When we are in relationship, conflict is inevitable because we are going to disagree with someone eventually.    If we don’t, something is up.  

Even in marriage, where the two become one, they are still two people who bring different things to that relationship.  Male and female are inherently different, and how they live together harmoniously is something that boggles my mind.  But even there, they need to learn to work through differences of opinion and perspective and make changes and decisions together. 

As adults, we are NOT required to blindly go along with another adult.   Submission is not blind; neither is trust.  And they can’t be.    The only relationship, as adults, where blind trust and obedience is required of us is in our relationship with the Lord.   Children obey; adults submit and it must be informed, careful submission to be healthy.  

In every relationship, there will be times when we disagree.   We’re not required to agree with anyone 100% of the time.   No one has a monopoly on truth this side of heaven.   We all see things from our limited perspective and understanding, and we filter that through our lived experience. 

So, conflict is inevitable.   If we bury disagreement to avoid conflict, that isn’t a healthy relationship.  

Something I’ve realised a lot lately is that very few people know how to disagree with someone they care about in a healthy way.   So many of us have learnt to bury our own thoughts and perspective to keep the peace, avoid a strong reaction, avoid pain, avoid potential rejection or loss of relationship.  And we’ve had to because we had parents or other authority figures who were aggressive or even abusive if you disagreed with them or confronted them about something that was damaging.  

So, how do we disagree without causing harm?   Sparks will fly but how do we prevent a forest fire?   When we disagree with someone, and the decisions they’re making that affect us or those we care about, what is our response? 

From what I’ve seen in my life, and the lives of others, our response is hugely impacted by fear and driven by buried pain, and mental strongholds/lies.   Avoidance is definitely fear-driven.   Attack is also fear-driven, though it may not seem like it.  

That pain and buried emotion and the lies that drive them, are what can turn a small spark of friction into a raging fire that destroys connection and creates havoc, which is what the enemy loves.  

I’ve also seen people put up the walls and pretend everything is fine, or just walk away so they don’t have to feel that pain, or risk rejection.   

None of that is helpful in building and maintaining relationships or working through the issues to a real solution.

Of course, resolution requires both parties to listen and learn and want to sort it out.  If that’s not the case, then walking away is the only option, but it shouldn’t be the first.

Is there a healthier way?

Apparently there is, but it takes at least one person, preferably both, to be secure and mature enough to respond in a healthy way.   That’s what He has been teaching me and doing in me for most of this year.  It has not been a pleasant experience.

This year, I have come away from interactions with some people angry, hurt, confused, frustrated, offended, fed up and convinced they are 100% the problem.   But also, not able to speak to them in a healthy way about it.   It’s been very frustrating.  

So, I’ve pulled back, got quiet, stayed away, wrestled, ranted and raved to a few trusted friends, and tried to ignore the issues and just ‘be happy’.  It doesn’t work.   I just ended up in these negative loops, over and over and over again.   My mental health was suffering.   My physical health was suffering.

There was no resolution until I let Him deal with me and why I couldn’t work through relationship issues in a healthy way.   

Firstly, I needed to recognise that I was filtering what people were doing and not doing, saying and not saying, through old wounds.   That’s the truth of it.   Wounds from my childhood, from previous church relationships, from my dysfunctional marriage were all creating sparks.  That’s hard to accept when you’re busy being angry with the other person.   I’m currently working through the book, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, with a friend, and one of the main tenets of that book is that we have to stop ignoring our emotions or dismissing them as ‘bad’.   We have to own our emotions, and get honest about what we’re feeling, so we can deal with it properly and stop burying and re-burying the pain of past wounds every time we’re sparked by someone who has sharpened us in some way.  

So, I’ve been learning to do that.   Every time an interaction would make me angry or confused or even cynical, I would journal and say to the Lord, ‘What is my problem?!?!?’   And if I got quiet long enough, He would show me.   I did that for months.   It is not easy to let the Lord uncover the wounds that keep you sparking in relationships.    He has healed a lot and we’re not done, but I’m learning to run to Him with the pain instead of burying it or blaming.   My journal makes for rather interesting reading.  

Secondly, I had to face why I couldn’t disagree with someone in relationship or challenge behaviour that’s hurtful.

Back in July, we had a Healing Wounded Hearts day at our church, run by Peter and Katie Dunstan, who wrote the book of the same name.   Katie was asking us to have the Lord remind us of a time in the past that created a wound.   It wasn’t imagination, it wasn’t mystical, just real memories of real pain.   We had to write it down and ask the Lord why it bothered us.

I remembered back to a time when I was about 15, sitting on the front porch of our very old house, and writing a letter to my mother, who was inside, because I couldn’t talk to her, because of past aggression, physical and verbal.    So I pleaded with her, in the letter, could we just talk to each other so we could sort out why we weren’t getting along.   I can look back now and realise what else was going on for her (so much abuse and dysfunction and pain) but back then, I just wanted to sort out the conflict.   When she opened that letter, she absolutely did her block.    Tore it into little pieces, threw it around and came at me, again, ready to strike, held back only by remembering that Dad was around somewhere.  She was terrified of him.    I learnt that day that it wasn’t safe to bring up issues in a relationship in a rational conversation.  What I didn’t realise was how much that lie and stronghold would paralyse me for decades afterward.   Now I understood why bringing up an issue in a current relationship feels terrifying and pointless.   The Lord started the healing process on that day, and continued it for days afterward.

Thirdly, I had to recognise what kind of relationship I was in with the people that were causing sparks the most, and be grateful for what they could offer me in that, not constantly wanting more.   More would be nice, but everyone has their limits, for all sorts of reasons.   Something that victims of childhood abuse and neglect often do is expect perfect from the other person and get pretty mad when it’s not forthcoming.   Perfect isn’t possible this side of heaven.  Perfect is found only in Him, and we have to get good at going to Him for our needs first, otherwise we are going to be constantly hurt and disappointed.   We also need to recognise the kind of relationship we have with people and what we can reasonably expect.   We often want more than they are able to give, or even willing to give, or should have to give.  We have to be realistic about these things.   If they’re making promises and not keeping them, that needs sorting, but if it’s just because we’re asking them to fill a God-shaped hole, then the problem is ours.   When we have unhealed childhood wounds, no person can fill that hole or heal that wound and they honestly feel very drained if we’re expecting that from them.   We have to get honest with ourselves and with Him about our need, and get healed.   He’s more than ready to do that.  

There were other things that He showed me and dealt with but they can’t be shared in a blog post.  

Are there still problems – yes?   A lot of my pain was coming from old wounds, but some of it was actually because the other person was hurting me, albeit unintentionally.   Intentional or not, pain is real.    And I am praying about how and when to bring those issues up – gotta be God’s timing on that.   

But I am not doing loops in my head every day.  I am not constantly getting offended and fed up.   I am not constantly feeling raw and empty.    And when I do, I just go and ask Him what’s going on and ask Him to fill the holes.    I’m very grateful for the peace and the freedom in that.  

“God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”

Therefore, humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.   1 Peter 5:5-7

Trust in the Lord, and do good;
Dwell in the land, and feed on HIS faithfulness.
Delight yourself also in the Lord……………………   Ps 37:3,4

I am the Lord your God,
Who brought you out of the land of Egypt;
Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it.  Ps 81:10

 

Will we make room for the Lord to heal us and fill us?  

 

Here is where I lay it down
Every burden, every crown
This is my surrender
This is my surrender
Here is where I lay it down
Every lie and every doubt
This is my surrender

And I will make room for You
To do whatever You want to
To do whatever You want to
I will make room for You
To do whatever You want to
To do whatever You want to, oh