I'm writing for Five Minute Friday and this week's prompt word is ALREADY.
I wish I was done already.
I wish this healing journey was finished already.
Some fellow pilgrims tell me I'm done.
Others tell me, 'You're nearly there!'
Nearly where?!
Like, is there a finish line that's obvious to everyone else, that you don't know till you know?
It leaves you wondering just how far from that elusive finishing line you are.
Actually, it feels like the finish line keeps moving.
How do you know when you're done?
When you are done, will you know you're there? Is there some way of knowing that for sure?
Others say that you're never done, this side of heaven. That's disheartening on the one hand, but encouraging because you feel like they get it - your level of brokenness and the healing process required. And the pressure is off to be done already.
Each new layer He peels back reveals more brokenness and you let Him deal and heal and seal it up, and you experience His love in a deeper way. And you rejoice, for a while, with gratitude at the deeper knowing of that love. You also rejoice at your deeper ability to trust Him. That's worth the pain.
But then, there's more that was hiding under that last layer.
That last layer was hiding something you didn't see, couldn't possibly have seen, and here we go again!
I so want to be done already. I'm so over it. I mean, seriously, how many layers does an onion have?
But then, I wanted to be done three years ago. And two years ago. And one year ago.
I really am glad I've come this far because I wouldn't know Him like I do now. I thought I already did know Him. But not really.
And perhaps I don't really know Him that well now but at least now I CAN know Him, in increasing measure - without hiding from Him behind fear and guilt and shame.
Those things are already dealt with, for the most part.
But the trouble with the deeper layers, is that they hide the deeper wounds, the more painful wounds.
And the deeper levels require deeper levels of surrender and trust and repentance. It's a dying process that hurts, often times a great deal.
So, I want to be done already. But that would mean I have reached the end of knowing Him in a deeper way. I don't think that is possible this side of heaven. I don't want this healing process to last until I meet Him on the other side, or He comes back. But I'm starting to think it will.
We will never exhaust the depth of His love. We will never really be able to say, 'I'm already there' till we ARE there, in His presence, without the baggage and wounds and sinful defaults. I wish I was already there. But wishing won't change anything and I don't believe in wishing.
So, I'll just keep pressing in, following hard after Him, wrestling like Jacob at times, doing it afraid, but knowing that His footsteps (of suffering, surrender, pain, brokenness) are also my footsteps. He gets it. He is already there and He is my greatest cheer leader.
The Lord your God in your midst,
The Mighty One, will save;
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17
Righteousness will go before Him, and shall make His footsteps our pathway. Psalm 85:13
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake. Psalm 23:2,3
It's Heaven's perfect mystery
The King of Love has sent for me
And now You're singing over me
The Father's song
The Father's song
The Father's love
You sung it over me and for eternity
It's written on my heart
I relate to a lot of your post. Healing is complicated and I have definitely found it takes longer than I would ever have hoped. I think we're always going to have some level of brokenness while we live in this broken world, and I agree, that is hard, but we have an amazing hope for the future. And I'm grateful that, in the meantime, he is walking with us and guiding our journey. Visiting from FMF #5.
ReplyDeleteThanks Lesley. I'm very grateful He is walking with us, step by step, gradually healing what is broken. Thanks for stopping by.
DeleteThe finish line keeps vanishing
ReplyDeletein mists of far tomorrow
and that is just ravishing,
and I am drowned in sorrow
for I thought there was an end,
a place where I could rest
and to my own heartache tend,
but there's always one more test
of faith and hope and strength and grit
that gets me through this endless day,
but that is not the worst of it,
because I am supposed to say
that joy is there in every tear
that drips from beard into my beer.
So very true about the deeper layers. Visiting from FMF.
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by.
Deleteoh, how curious. To see deepening our faith as layers off an onion. I need to ponder this awhile. Thank you for the thinking exercise. visiting from FMF9
ReplyDeleteThanks, Annette. I'm glad I stretched your thinking ;) Thanks for stopping by.
DeleteLove "He gets it. He is already there and He is my greatest cheer leader." I don't think we ever get there on this side of eternity. My understanding is that after we get saved God works through His Word and the power of the Holy Spirit works in us (2 Corinthians 3:18, Romans 8:29) to gradually transform us from the inside out, and once we have worked through all the hurts and fears and everything else that needs healing and are conformed to the image of Jesus, that's when we finally reach the finish line and get promoted to our Heavenly home. Again, those are just my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteHappy Resurrection Sunday to you and your family.
I appreciate your thoughts, Sandra, as always. He's very much the Potter with the clay. This clay is trying to stay malleable. Thanks for stopping by.
DeleteThanks for the comment you left on my post about blame. It was helpful.
DeleteP.S. I also think of the verses about the potter and the clay, and that if we're still here it's because He's not done with us yet.
ReplyDelete