ACCUMULATED DISAPPOINTMENT

I'm writing for Five Minute Friday, for last week's word prompt which is ACCUMULATE.

What happens when we accumulate disappointments and don’t process them properly?

They compound and become resentment.  

What happens when resentment festers and grows in the dark places?  

It turns into a root of bitterness that has the potential to harm many.

Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled…   Heb 12:14,15

How do we NOT accumulate disappointment?   Because disappointment is part of life this side of heaven.   It just is.    If we’re in relationship, we’re going to be disappointed, because someone isn’t meeting our expectations (spoken or unspoken) OR because someone is not willing or mostly just genuinely unable to do what they promised they would do, even if they want to.  

So, if we’re going to inevitably be disappointed in relationships, how do we process those disappointments, so they don’t grow into resentment and bitterness and cynicism?

Or do we just bury them?   I believe so many of us bury disappointments because processing them and being honest about them is not something we learnt to do, nor is it something we’ve been allowed to do.  Bringing up disappointments has led to rejection, aggression, blame, defensiveness, denial, dismissal in many previous, long-term, significant relationships that I’ve been in. 

I’ve discovered lately that I have accumulated some disappointments in current relationships (that was a confronting revelation).   And I’ve buried them because being honest about them or talking about them feels altogether too hard and would risk misunderstanding and potentially rejection. 

I’ve also learnt that the Lord is not disappointed with us when we’re disappointed.   He is actually okay with that.   He wants us to acknowledge when we are genuinely hurt – as opposed to offended because we feel entitled to certain things.   It’s important to know the difference. 

So many times, genuine hurt and disappointment is passed off as ‘offence’ when really it’s because Christians don’t want to own their part in people walking away, leaving, or keeping a safe distance.   

I’ve seen a lot of Christians branded as immature because they are ‘offended’ by something that was actually hurtful.    And I’ve seen immature Christians refusing to own their reaction as offense because they were triggered or confronted and won’t look within to see what’s going on, just wanting to point the finger in the opposite direction.  

I’ve been on both ends of that scenario and wrestled and wrestled with whether it’s offense or real pain.    Offense is easy to accumulate too, and it compounds – quickly.   I said to a friend recently, ‘You know how when you’re already ticked off with someone, every little thing they do makes you cranky?’-  yeah, been there done that way too many times.   It’s so easy to misread someone’s actions and words and misjudge their motives when our disappointment and offense have accumulated into a large pile of stinky crap.   We can find ourselves sitting smugly on that large, accumulated pile, throwing rocks of judgement at the person, behind a polite smile of course.     

https://www.vecteezy.com/photo/55966495-a-man-sitting-on-top-of-a-pile-of-rubble

So, what do we do with that accumulated disappointment, when it’s actually coming from real pain?

The Lord told me recently to write it all down, to get really honest about it, journal it, name it, own it.   That was an interesting exercise.   Not a comfortable one.    That’s when you see what’s in your own heart and why it has festered into resentment.      

I discovered that most of those disappointments can and should simply be understood within the context of normal, human frailty because people have limits and we need to be careful what we expect.      

Some of it, however, needs to be addressed for the relationship to go beyond just survival and surface-level politeness.   That’s the hard part, because then you need to have some difficult conversations.   And that requires emotional strength, clarity, honesty, vulnerability and a certain amount of risk.

That’s hard when in previous relationships that kind of honesty was met with aggression in many forms, or denial and dismissal.   Been on both ends of that scenario as well.  

This is something I learned from the words of Danny Silk over the last week that I found extremely helpful.   

The most important thing in any conversation is connection. 

Not winning.

Not proving your point.

Not getting the last word.

If we lose connection, we lose the reason for talking.

So, even when it’s hard, my first goal is to protect the relationship while we work through the problem.

Instead of telling you what I think you did wrong, I’ll tell you what it feels like to be me.

My feelings can’t be argued with. 

You can listen and respond – or choose not to.

But either way, I’ve stayed true to my heart without putting you on trial.

 

Can we be that honest in our conversations?   I suspect most of us find that very difficult, but it’s so necessary for relationships to grow.

How much of our fellowship is kept at shallow levels because we aren’t willing to have the hard conversations and be transparent with each other – to live in the light?  

It brings me back to what we find in 1 John 1 about living in the light.  

This is the message which we have heard from Him and declare to you, that God is light and in Him is no darkness at all.    If we say that we have fellowship with Him, and walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth.  1 John 1:6,7

Therefore, putting away lying, “Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbour,” for we are members of one another.   “Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath,  nor give place to the devil.   Eph 4:25-27

So many times, I see Christians being politely dishonest with each other when really we need to be truthful, motivated by genuine love.   That dishonesty just leads to so much confusion and disconnection and buried anger, but it’s because we don’t know our own hearts, don’t know how to express what we need, don’t know how to have the hard conversations, don’t know how to set boundaries in our relationships.   When that anger leaks out in snipey remarks or erupts in full-blown meltdowns, the other person is blindsided.     We need to have the hard conversations.  

First things first though.  We must work through our own accumulated hurts, with the Lord, so we don’t dump on the other person.   We need to come to Him for mercy and grace, and let Him heal those wounds, and we need to ask for clarity about our own motives, our frustrations, our expectations.  

For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin.   Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.   Heb 4:15,16

When we take our accumulated crap to Him first, and get cleaned up, then we can move forward in relationships. 

Let’s not be dump trucks with each other.   But let’s not dismiss the other person’s pain just because it’s not nicely packaged up and it comes out messy and smelly.     

 

 

Heknows
He knows
Every hurt and every sting
He has walked the suffering
He knows
He knows
Let your burdens come undone
Lift your eyes up to the One
Who knows
He knows

We may faint and we may sink
Feel the pain and near the brink
But the dark begins to shrink
When you find the One who knows