WILL WE PRESERVE, OR WILL WE LET HIM?

It's with some hesitancy that I write this blog post for Five Minute Friday, on the prompt word, PRESERVE.  But I am fuelled somewhat by anger and frustration.   

There is so much that could be written, or not, but in the light of yet another conversation with a woman in a long-term abusive marriage to a 'Christian' man, I'm resisting the urge to be quiet.    It would be easier.  It has been easier.   I have refrained from writing about the bleeding obvious, but it's time I used my writing voice to say what needs saying.    Perhaps it will help someone in a similar situation, or help someone who is hearing it to be more compassionate and to listen before giving black and white answers.   

So many, many Christians, when hearing a desperate plea for help or for prayer from an abused and confused wife (or husband), will tell you things like, 'pray harder, fast, love more, give more, do more, try harder, have more s**, be more available, be more humble, don't point fingers (you're a sinner too), keep forgiving (seventy times seven), deal with your own sin, it's your responsibility to fix it, etc, etc, etc.   These pat answers merely add to the burden of guilt, shame, fear and lies that abused partners already live under.   So many times, Christians don't recognise abuse or want to call it that.

I've had all of those things said to me,  by Christian counsellors and others, and seen it carelessly written so many times on social media pages.   And it makes me angry.   And honestly, sometimes anger is the correct response, if we use it wisely.      The more I have understood my own situation, and heard the stories of many others, the more I realise that anger about abuse is actually a godly response.

Actually, I've been surprised, again and again, at what the Lord has shown me from His Word about how He feels about oppression and verbal violence and abuse.   It's not been me trying to convince Him that it's bad, but rather Him showing me what was wrong and how much damage it's done and why He asked me to get out.  

Be merciful to me, O God, for man would swallow me up;  fighting all day he oppresses me.  Ps 56:1

All day they twist my words; all their thoughts are against me for evil.   Ps 56:5

The words of his mouth are wickedness and deceit; he has ceased to be wise and to do good.  Ps 36:3

Let not the foot of pride come against me, and let not the hand of the wicked drive me away.   Ps 36:11

Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.   Col 3:19

There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.    Prov 12:18

A man of wrath stirs up strife, and one given to anger causes much transgression.    Prov 29:22

A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.  Prov 15:4

A man's spirit will endure sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?   Prov 18:14

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.   Eph 4:29

And He continues to show me, even as I deal with triggers moving forward, how to reframe my thinking - thinking that has been damaged by being in the place of coercion, dysfunction, fear, and under an atmosphere of rejection and judgement that I lived with for years, decades actually.  

What has all of that to do with the prompt word, preserve?   I have found that too many Christians are more concerned with preserving a 'marriage' than they are about preserving the welfare of those in that 'marriage'.    I have been one of those Christians in the past.

I put the word 'marriage' inside apostrophes, because many Christian women, and some men, are not living in Biblical marriages but rather very dysfunctional, controlling relationships that are damaging in the most obscure and hard-to-define ways.   And while those things are hard for others to see and define, the Lord sees.  He is El Roi, the God who sees.    (Gen 16:13)

Oftentimes, though, as Christians we don't see what He sees and we work so hard to preserve something that we think we must protect, like the institution of marriage, and we ignore the needs of those within that institution.    How many times have Christians tried to protect 'marriage' because it's a Biblical principle, while at the same time, not truly understanding what the Lord meant by it?  How many times have Christians collectively tried to preserve the reputation of the church instead of listening to those who've been abused by members of it?   In Jesus' day, many of the religious leaders tried desperately to preserve their current system, and missed completely the One they were apparently waiting for.   They didn't know the Father and they didn't recognise His Son when He was standing in front of them.   They were quite happy for one man to die to preserve that system.

Then the chief priests and the Pharisees gathered a council and said, “What shall we do? For this Man works many signs.     If we let Him alone like this, everyone will believe in Him, and the Romans will come and take away both our place and nation.”  And one of them, Caiaphas, being high priest that year, said to them, “You know nothing at all,  nor do you consider that it is expedient for us that one man should die for the people, and not that the whole nation should perish.”   John 11:47-50

Have we done the same today because of our misunderstanding of what marriage is?  

Marriage is supposed to be two people, equal in value and status, loving and honouring each other, both mere mortals, equally sinful, equally in need of correction and equally in need of being served and loved and cherished. 

When two sinful people love the Lord and each other wholeheartedly, then the marriage is truly preserved and so are the people in it.   It becomes the place where both people can grow and flourish and be that reflection of Christ and His church that it's meant to be.    

Yesterday, I had a conversation with someone who said that marriage is 50/50 but it truly isn't.   Both partners have to be all in,100% each, because if we don't, then someone is carrying more than 100% of the load and that's damaging and unsustainable.

What is the answer when we hear of someone who's struggling in marriage?   The answer is to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry (about someone challenging our systems and beliefs).   

So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.   James 1:19

https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/tiny-people-repairing-vulnerable-broken-heart-heart-sensitive-person-breaking-after-failure-relationship-flat-vector-illustration-love-emotions-concept-banner-landing-web-page_23548212.htm#fromView=search&page=1&position=0&uuid=e53a05b4-e702-44b2-9373-99436e5c48bb

Will we let Him challenge our status quo, our understanding, our pre-conceived and well-guarded ideas and ideals so we can see what is under our nose?   Or will we stubbornly and arrogantly preserve those systems, structures, ideals, and secrets, even in the face of the suffering of those we could be helping? 

Will we let people share their reality, their truthful version of how it really is and listen without being defensive of 'marriage' or some other system?   Truth and mercy are the only way forward in any situation.   May we be people who want to hear the truth, however confronting and messy it is.    May we be people who give someone a safe place to share what's going on behind closed doors.   

He shall abide before God forever. Oh, prepare mercy and truth, which may preserve him!   Ps 61:7

Lie number one you're supposed to have it all together

And when they ask how you're doing

Just smile and tell them, "Never better"

Lie number 2 everybody's life is perfect except yours

So keep your messes and your wounds

And your secrets safe with you behind closed doors

Truth be told

The truth is rarely told, now

I say I'm fine, yeah I'm fine oh I'm fine, hey I'm fine but I'm not

I'm broken

And when it's out of control I say it's under control but it's not

And you know it

I don't know why it's so hard to admit it

When being honest is the only way to fix it

There's no failure, no fall

There's no sin you don't already know

So let the truth be told